TITLE: Murder in Mind

AUTHOR: Demon Faith

PAIRING: Carson/Rodney

TIMELINE: Mid Season 2, mention of Season 1 events

RATING: PG-13

WARNINGS: Major angst, disturbing images

SUMMARY: “I had a nightmare.” An incident off-world leads to a far more deadly situation within Atlantis, and Carson’s fighting against himself.

WORD COUNT: 8,011

DISCLAIMER: Stargate Atlantis is not mine. But TPTB seem to be doing alright. Unlike with The Other Show, but we don’t talk about that.

NOTES: Written for the Insane Carson Appreciation Ficathon for wliberation. Xe asked for:

Pairing: Carson/Rodney
What I want to see in my story: first time or pre-slash, nightmares and/or insomnia, slight fluff (I promise it’s in there somewhere!), waves

I am rusty! Very rusty. Hope it all goes well. *fingers crossed*

“McKay thinks it’s medical. We really need you, doc.”

Carson nodded seriously, trying not to notice an anxious Rodney hovering behind Sheppard. He could almost feel his eyes pleading ‘Don’t come, please, stay away’. Yet he couldn’t leave them like this; he had a duty.

“On my way, Colonel.”

~

Rodney’s face hardened and John was almost afraid the man would strike him.

“Oh, great move, Sheppard. One more lamb for the slaughter!”

That drew the attention of their Ulaxian captors, and John pulled Rodney away from the MALP and into a corner.

“Keep your voice down, McKay. Genetics and medical stuff isn’t exactly your strong point and they’re getting impatient. While they’re keeping Ronon and Teyla away from us, I won’t risk an escape attempt. You and Beckett have to figure this thing out.”

He knew he was making sense but Rodney seemed unwilling to listen. He was shifting nervously and eying the piece of equipment with a scowl.

“He shouldn’t be involved in this,” he said in a low, unreadable tone. John blinked.

“Yeah, well, I should be drinking beer in front of a game, but here we are. Listen, Rodney, I wouldn’t bring him here unless it was absolutely necessary.”

Rodney met his eyes then and John was shocked at the very real fear there.

“I hope we don’t regret this,” he said bleakly, and turned back to the machine.

They continued to wait.

~

Carson was met at the Gate by armed guards, who rifled through his pack and searched all his pockets. They were in the middle of a city, the stark architecture instantly reminding him of the Genii, and with the overcast indigo sky, he could hardly believe he was above ground. He was escorted down the main street and the Ulaxians pointed and laughed; some even threw what resembled crumpled orange pine cones. What had transpired here? Why were they all so angry?

They approached a building on a large square, which held an imposing statue that captured Carson’s attention. A young woman sheltered two small children, as a tall, caricatured figure held a gun to her head. The wide, maniacal grin on the man’s face terrified him and the Ancient inscription – ‘For them we overcame’ – told him nothing comforting. He did not dare ask what any of it meant as he was unceremoniously pushed into an entrance hall. There were wall hangings with more of the same – women and children in peril, militarised figures of brutality – but in the centre stood a figure of a man, dressed as a farmer and holding a spade with a determined expression upon his face. The letters simply spelt ‘Ulax’.

Pushed past all these images of destruction, Carson was led to a dimly-lit shaft and motioned down it. He barely fitted through the hole with his pack but he fought down feelings of claustrophobia, wondering how Rodney was handling this. The underground chamber was musty and the air was stale – it was obviously rarely opened. He was forced through a series of mechanised doors until he reached the room they had seen on the MALP; obviously there was another entrance.

“Carson!”

Rodney rose, but was blocked by a guard. Carson was restrained by his escort and he forced himself to relax, showing no threat.

“You will not converse. Any attempt at communication will be severely punished”

Rodney was pushed back to the floor and Carson released. He forced his eyes away from Rodney’s concerned face and walked over to the machine which dominated the room. It was uglier than most Ancient devices, which tended toward elegance and clean lines of form; this was dark and hulking, with pieces mismatched and badly sealed compartments. Carson was wary of touching it, because it seemed largely experimental and he hated touching things he didn’t understand. He circled it slowly and saw a hand-shaped depression that was probably the activation point. He stared at it.

“Even the other one made it light up,” one of the guards muttered, and his companion found the comment hilarious. Carson frowned and reached out, struggling to concentrate. The machine began to hum and lights flickered on all over device. A beep drew his attention to a screen, which held a series of Ancient numbers. It appeared nothing like a conventional Ancient console, which had a certain pattern to it that they had grown accustomed to in Atlantis. This was crude and basic; he touched at the first number.

A trace appeared – brainwaves. Carson frowned at it but could only recognise what appeared to be high levels of activity that made no sense. It was possible that it was Ancient, and that the higher levels just reflected their advanced brains. Then again, anything was possible, and he was no closer to determining the function of the device.

He noticed a marker at the bottom, which read ‘Poor’. He flicked through to the next record and the next, continuing for about ten before he reached a ‘Limited’. He continued to pass through ‘Fair’ and ‘Potential’ entries before reaching one marked ‘Excellent.’ This trace was different from the first he had seen, as the line was more defined, with sharp rises and falls before terminating abruptly. A flashing symbol appeared and Carson tapped it uneasily – ‘Test’.

There was a sharp crack and Carson backed off, watching it warily. With a shudder, the machine swung open, revealing a humanoid-shaped mould. There were murmurs of approval from the watching guards and he could sense Rodney’s watchful attention. On first glance, it appeared close to a Wraith “storage chamber” but he could see no evidence of the organic material they used in their technology. Cautiously stepping forward, he peered into it, looking for any writings or consoles.

Abruptly, thin metallic tendrils leapt from the chamber and embedded in his body. He cried out as he was dragged in, hearing Rodney call his name as the chamber closed.

~

“Carson!”

They rose as one and Rodney shot forward as John shouted, “Get him out of there!”

The guards were in disarray, sending runners for help, as Rodney began searching for something, anything to open it again. There was a timer running down – to what he could not know – and there seemed no way to stop it. He pushed at the screen in vain, but all it told him was ‘Wait’.

Rodney could not wait, couldn’t even breathe. Carson’s in there. We brought him here and he’s, he’s…

“I can’t do anything, it won’t open!” he called frantically, trying to press more buttons but it just beeped monotonously – Wait – Wait – Wait – Wait –

With a soft hiss and a distinct click, the door swung open. His heart stopped.

Carson was held there, eyes wide and staring, unmoving. A single beep and the cruel metal withdrew; he fell forward just a Rodney reached for him. Cradled in his arms, he was cold, deathly pale but Rodney’s urgent fingers felt a thready pulse and slowly, slowly, his eyes fell closed.

“We need to leave now,” Rodney said loudly, looking to John and then the guards, as he curled his fingers in Carson’s clammy shirt.

A group of senior officers hurried in and stared at the scene. “What has transpired?”

“It did something, Gervil sir,” piped up one man. “The doctor was trapped inside and now he is ill.”

“So, the device still functions? That is something,” he man said, sounding vaguely pleased and ignoring the Atlanteans.

“Are you in charge here?” John said sharply and the officer turned to him with a look of disdain.

“I am Gervil Monkta, yes. What do you want?”

“He’s dying!” Rodney shouted. “We want to leave!”

“There’s nothing more we can do for you,” John said firmly. “Let us go, you have what you wanted.”

“But we still don’t know everything!” the Gervil said, smirking. “It may be more valuable than we thought. You will make it work again.”

“I don’t know what he did! And he can’t tell you, can he? Let us go!” Rodney was ignored but he would not cease fighting; Carson was totally limp in his arms.

“If you don’t let us leave, you may kill the only person who knows anything about this thing,” John said, voice struggling to remain even. “Perhaps, if he recovers, we may be able to reach some agreement but your detainment of my team has failed to gain you anything. Release us all and we may decide to help you. The longer you keep us, the less chance you have.”

The Gervil seemed unused to receiving instruction but he refused to be flustered. “I will consider it for a while.”

Suddenly, Carson began to thrash wildly and Rodney was forced to release him, receiving a blow to the face and another to his chest which knocked him backwards. When he looked up, Carson was on his feet, staring at the room with unseeing eyes. In an instance, he rushed the Gervil and knocked him flying, his hands around his neck.

In the ensuing melee, Carson was somehow detached from Monkta and, with a seizure-like spasm, fell to the floor. Rodney, nursing his aching jaw and fighting for breath, crawled to him and regarded the wide, staring eyes which once more drifted shut.

“Get them out! Get them all out!” Monkta gasped, and strong arms seized him up as he saw Carson slung over a man’s shoulder and hurried out.

They were force-marched to the Gate, reunited with Teyla and Ronon, then left to dial. The guards retreated, making signs above their heads as their faces twisted in fear. Rodney sat with Carson sprawled across him, before Ronon lifted the doctor and John half-carried Rodney through the Gate.

“It’ll be alright,” he muttered to him and Rodney laughed hollowly.

“Don’t lie,” was his only reply.

~

“It’s broken,” Carol said worriedly, but Rodney was ignoring her. Elizabeth looked between him and Carson with equal concern.

“What happened?” she said softly and it was John who turned to her, pained and angry.

“Their thing worked. He was trapped inside, he fell out, he tried to kill their officer. That’s all we know.”

“His brainwaves are completely erratic,” added Carol, moving away from Rodney and tapping on the monitor. Elizabeth watched as the trace spiked and sunk – then, without warning, there were two patterns at once. Carson tensed on the bed.

“That hasn’t happened before,” Carol said, puzzled voice rising to panic. Carson started thrashing in his restraints.

“But that has…” John started warily, as Carson’s eyes flew open, staring madly. Immediately, Rodney was by his side, tentatively reaching for Carson’s cheek. For a moment, the second trace intensified and then it died away; Carson relaxed.

“What did you do?” Elizabeth said to Rodney, but he looked at her with equal confusion.

“I think we need to see that machine,” Carol opined, looking to each person in the room.

“I don’t want to go back there without three teams,” John said strongly. “I don’t know what’s going on there but they hate us. I’m going to debrief Teyla and Ronon, see if they learned anything. If we have to go back, I want to be ready.”

“Agreed,” Elizabeth said, trying to restrain her disquiet. There was something unbearably wrong in seeing Carson in one of his own beds, quiet and still; though the thrashing and staring was even more alarming. Rodney’s silence wasn’t helping and she could see it unnerved John as much as her.

“I’ll report back in an hour,” John said, before leaving quickly. Elizabeth just nodded to herself before drifting away, Carol’s voice the only sound above the creaking of restraints.

~

He snapped into wakefulness in an instant, aware of everything and nothing all at once. He was in an infirmary bed. He had been on Ulax. Time was missing.

“Carson? Can you hear me?”

“Yes, Carol. I’m here.”

“Oh, thank God,” she muttered and checked the monitor. He glanced across and frowned to see brainwaves. How long had he been sleeping?

“Carol, love? What’s the matter? Has something happened?”

She hesitated and a small wave of panic swept through him. “Carol?”

“What do you remember?” she said evenly, sitting beside his bed. He thought carefully.

“There was trouble off-world. The Colonel wanted some assistance, I prodded at his machine…did something happen then?”

A grey cloud settled on his memory. He had a hazy recollection of Rodney calling for him but nothing more. Odd.

“The machine opened?” Blank. “It pulled you in?” Grey. “You’ve…been unconscious ever since.” Nothing.

“I can’t recall, love. Though…” he pondered. “I had a nightmare.”

She leaned forward, suddenly keen to listen. “A nightmare?”

With a sudden cold feeling creeping in, he realised he was laid flat. And restrained. What was going on?

“Carol…” he said, panic in his voice. She stood quickly, glancing again at the monitor.

“I’ll get Kate. Don’t worry,” she said quickly, flashing a terrified smile and fleeing from his presence. Oh, what could have happened? What have I done?

A figure moved into his line of vision and he realised it was Rodney even as he took in the bandages carefully keeping his jaw in place.

“Rodney,” he breathed, “did I do that?”

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Rodney placed his hand over Carson’s, fingers rubbing over skin bruised by the cuffs. His eyes regarded him softly, with care; he was not afraid of him.

“I’m scared, Rodney,” he said quietly, tears coming to his eyes. Rodney looked down, before reaching out to gently brush them away. A small smile came to his lips, and Carson smiled tearfully back.

Carol reappeared, with Kate Heightmeyer at her heals, also wearing an anxious expression. “Carson, you’re awake. Carol says…you had a nightmare?”

“Yes, yes, a nightmare. But…what is this about? What’s going on?” Carson was impatient now, frustration eating away at him. Rodney squeezed his hand.

Kate and Carol looked at each other and Rodney glared in their direction. For the first time since their meeting, Carson wished Rodney would talk.

The two women appeared to come to some agreement and Carol left, drawing the cubicle closed behind her. Kate sat down in the chair.

“Dr McKay, please,” she said, indicating the door.

Carson held on. “He stays.”

Kate looked over at Rodney, then nodded slowly. “Very well. Tell me about this nightmare.”

He paused, drawing the threads together in his mind. “I’m in a village.”

Half a village. They’re leaving nothing untouched; soon it will all be gone. It hurts him to see it like this.

“The Wraith are attacking.”

The Darts keep making passes, over and over again. People are disappearing all around him. He wants to die, but the beams don’t touch him.

“I don’t…I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Some houses are still burning. His was first, that’s what took his family. He can see them all – Lyra, Malin, Koraz, screaming for their mother. But their mother isn’t there. He has her.

“My family are dead. I’m…looking for someone?”

Suddenly, he sees him. He’s wearing the robes of an Elder, but he’s a traitor. He’s the one that caused this, that brought them here. He’s standing there and he has her! He has Basarb!

“There’s a man. He has…my wife. She’s my wife.”

He marches towards him, numb, empty. Laughing, he pushes her – Basarb! – into a beam. She’s gone.

“He…he kills her.”

There is no choice. He charges at him, arms outstretched. He isn’t laughing now.

“I…I’m choking him!”

He struggles wildly, but he cannot escape. Soon, he struggles no more.

“He’s dead.”

The infirmary was silent. Kate was looking down at her notebook and Rodney was studying their entwined hands. Carson…didn’t understand.

Kate looked up.

“Carson, whilst you were…dreaming, your body reacted as if it…were real. You tried to strangle an Ulaxian officer.”

He felt suddenly cold. His wounds throbbed and he began to lose sensation in his fingertips. The world started to recede, but he was startlingly aware of a hand in his, a thumb swept across his cheek. The world returned.

“Carson?”

“Still here. Just.”

What was going on? He had been stuck in some kind of machine, he’d had a dream and now…now what? Everything was wrong – he knew he was failing to react properly, wasn’t frightened, wasn’t concerned. He was strangely blank.

“Is something wrong?”

“Kate…I don’t care. I’m not feeling…anything at all, really. Just…emptiness.”

Slowly, though, he felt feeling return to his extremities and a bubble of fear welled up; he cried with relief.

“Better, better,” he muttered to himself and felt Rodney’s tentative fingers in his hair. Kate excused herself and Rodney was left alone with a potential murderer.

What was he going to do?

“I’m lost, Rodney. I could…I could kill you!”

He could tell by the sudden tension in Rodney’s movements that he desperately wanted to say something, but the bandages restricted him and he just curled his fingers tighter into Carson’s hair. It was oddly comforting.

“They’re nightmares. Nightmares. If I…if I stay awake, maybe I can fight it. Until you’ve worked something out.”

Rodney twisted his lips, thinking. Then he made a motion with his hands, waving them by his ears, before making glasses with his fingers. Carson smiled.

“Carol, love?”

She appeared slowly, trying to disguise her eavesdropping.

“Can you fetch Radek Zelenka for me? And a pen and paper for Rodney. I think they have to work something out.”

~

“Gervil Monkta, we believe that what happened to you was a direct result of the technology. We would like to examine it, which is what I believe you wanted in the first place.”

The man on the MALP screen was rubbing his bruised neck self-consciously as he glanced at someone off-camera. Slowly, he nodded.

“Your team can have access to the device, as long as they agree to be…supervised by our guards and share all information.”

Elizabeth paused to indicate thoughtfulness; her decision was already made.

“Agreed. Though any attempt to harm a member of my team will be considered an act of war. Understood?”

The man’s eyes hardened for a moment but he nodded curtly before ending the transmission.

She watched the team assemble downstairs, Rodney helping Radek pack but dressed down, obviously apart from all the scientists and soldiers posing as scientists. John came over to him and signalled to his bandages; Rodney shrugged. John wandered away to talk to the military. Radek touched at his arm for a moment and Rodney smiled grimly, before moving away. Radek signalled his readiness to leave.

“Good luck!” she called down and their empty smiles echoed in her mind long after the Gate closed.

~

Carson sat in the middle of his quarters, a mixture of stimulants surging through his veins and the lights glaring down on him. Sleep was impossible. Or so he hoped.

He had tried not to dwell on the dream – every time he did, his vision greyed a little and he lost all feeling, emotional and physical. It took a while but after a few minutes, the gnawing terror returned and the faint anger, anger that the Ancients could betray him like this. He looked up to them, advanced as they were and skilled, and though that had faded after the nanovirus attack, he still held them in high regard. To think that the people who had created the Stargates, built Atlantis could do this sickened him.

The door chime warbled and Carson got up to open the door, not trusting his mind to control anything right now. Rodney stood there, a long metallic centipede curving across his jaw.

“Found it in the Archive,” he offered weakly. Carson simply nodded and stood aside for him, every cell in his body screaming for him to stop, let Rodney leave, it wasn’t safe. He ignored them.

“How…how are you feeling?”

“Well, I’m not feeling the urge to kill you, so that must be good, right?”

“Uh…yes, Carson, very good.”

They stood awkwardly in the centre of the brightness, squinting at each other, waiting. Nothing happened. Rodney cleared his throat.

“Zelenka and Sheppard have gone to take a look. They’ll figure it out.”

Rodney had never sounded so uncertain. Carson restrained a surge of panic.

“You’re not going with them?” He bit out. Rodney wasn’t fooled.

“Sit down, Carson. We’re not going anywhere.”

Carson sank onto the sofa, holding it together somehow. Rodney sat beside him, seemingly at odds with his own body. He settled a hand on Carson’s arm and relaxed a fraction.

“To, uh, answer your question, I wanted to stay here.”

Carson turned to him quizzically but Rodney wouldn’t meet his eyes. “Oh, aye?” he said softly.

“You needed me,” Rodney mumbled, then looked at him with piercing eyes. “You *need* me”.”

He had no words. They were stolen with his breath and he struggled to force air into his lungs, to stem the flow of joy that bubbled over his fear. He couldn’t think like this – it was entirely innocent – the actions of the friend – nothing more – it couldn’t be – could it?

“I’m…glad that you’re here, Rodney.”

“I couldn’t leave,” Rodney said simply and they sat in silence, wide awake to the nothingness.

~

John had nothing to do. The guards recognised him, as expected, so he stood back and watched. Everyone had their weapons and so everyone was happy, or so it appeared.

The guard closest to him shifted from foot to foot, obviously nervous. He was young and what he had seen was shocking to him, unexpected. It seemed to have affected him deeply because he watched the scientists closely, hand absently pawing at his neck. John took pity on him.

“Hey, don’t worry. They’re not going to open it up.”

He received a look of apprehension for his troubles but the man relaxed slightly.

“I’m John Sheppard, by the way.” He offered a hand. It was stared at.

“It’s a greeting,” John explained gently. “We shake hands as a sign of trust.”

The hand was taken, shaken quickly then released. “Eiffan Spoor. I’m a patax; I’ve never seen anything like this.”

“I take it you’re new to this then?” John gestured expansively at the guards, who were seemingly ignoring the conversation.

“Started last moon,” he said sheepishly and shifted again. John watched as Radek continued to scroll through the screens, as the others examined the machine’s innards. It looked…complex. And time-consuming.

“I don’t suppose you can tell me why exactly you’re all so jumpy around here,” John said casually. Eiffan tensed.

“We do not speak of it,” he muttered. John leaned closer, waiting.

“Do you know of…the Genii?”

John nodded quickly. Yes, that’s when they had started glaring and summoning more guards. He’d leave the negotiating to Elizabeth in future.

“They enslaved our country for many years. Until the great rebellion of Ulax – may he be blessed forever.” All the Ulaxians made the strange gesture above their heads, before returning to position. “You reminded us of them.”

John bit his tongue but he caught Radek’s eye. “Well, we’re nothing like them. In face, we don’t get on so well.”

Eiffan just nodded and drifted into silence. John looked away – the sight of no progress was even worse than the words. The image of their doctor with his hands around a man’s neck flashed into his mind and he quietly shuddered.

They were running out of time.

~

Another hour, another stimulant; there was a patrol outside his door. Rodney had vanished for a couple of hours but was now sitting with him, as they watched the sun rise.

“We survived the night,” Carson said, letting out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding.

“Of course we did,” Rodney scoffed, something of old returning. “Takes more than this to kill the heroes of Atlantis.”

“The heroes of Atlantis?” Carson said sceptically.

“I’m the brilliant scientist and your voodoo’s all right. We must have saved everyone here at least once each.”

Carson smiled then. “Aye, perhaps.”

They hadn’t heard from Ulax. Carson wasn’t surprised. The machine was complex and the interface awkward – it could take days, maybe even a week. He would kill someone before then.

He shook his head wildly, ridding himself of the thought. It was no good thinking like this, or letting the thoughts leak in from wherever they were coming from; he had a responsibility to stay awake and keep Rodney safe. He would do both, or die trying.

Rodney’s arm was around his shoulders, holding him close, and he hadn’t even realised. He tensed for a moment before relaxing into his touch, taking small comfort from the contact. Rodney was the one thing that made sense in his life at the moment, even though this was nothing like normal. How he had secretly wished for it to be normal! But it wasn’t; it was the touch of one friend to another, something Rodney would do for anyone else…wouldn’t he?

Carson had seen his look of disgust after Cadman had used his body for that kiss, the one no one would forget. Even after Elizabeth and John had kissed under similar circumstances, the city would not stop talking about that time Rodney McKay planted one on Doctor Beckett. And Rodney hated it, leaping down the throat of anyone who talked about it, so, obviously, one step over the line between friendship and bliss was out of the question.

“Leave the thinking to me. Concentrate on…wakeful things.”

“Wakeful things?” Carson said with amusement, settling deeper into Rodney’s embrace. He’d savour it while he could.

“Yes, Carson, wakeful things. Like…burnt toast and black coffee. Pineapple juice and pancakes. Breakfast food!”

“Pineapple juice?” Carson said, confused. Rodney sighed.

“No citrus, remember? Pineapple is good, though papaya is better.”

He had never figured Rodney for an exotic fruits man, but then he hadn’t really thought about it. Once you’d taken oranges and lemons out of the equation, that didn’t leave very much in the way of flavour and Rodney had improvised. As usual, he had Rodneyed himself out of the situation, probably saving some endangered species in the process.

Rodney was a spectacular overachiever. Carson was not. If it were Rodney sitting here, about to kill someone in his dreams, he’d fuss for about five minutes and then solve the whole thing before it was time for tea. All Carson could do was try not to fall asleep, though even that was becoming increasingly difficult.

“Do you think we could go to the pier, Rodney? Maybe the salt air would revive me a wee bit.”

“Sure, I don’t see why not,” Rodney said and unhooked his arm, pushing himself up before offering a hand to Carson. He took it gratefully and found himself standing, staring into Rodney’s eyes, suddenly lost in clouded skies, the stillness before a storm.

Everything he wanted was before him. He feinted forward then stopped himself; it was all too complicated right now.

“The pier then?” he squeaked out and Rodney nodded mutely.

Score one for self control. Score none for Carson’s heart.

~

“Muj boze!”

The cry startled John from his doze and he was instantly awake. He moved to Radek’s side but all the screen yielded was lines of Ancient.

“What have you found?”

“I may not know what to do,” Radek yawned, rubbing his eyes, “but I know why it is here. It is a weapon.”

“A weapon?” said John. Somehow, he hadn’t expected that, despite the machine’s destructive effect.

“Yes. These notes say that the Ancient responsible was working towards a way of destroying the Wraith’s food source,” he paused, allowing John’s mind to catch up. “Yes, us. It is very like the nanovirus in that respect, but different in others.”

Radek pushed at the screen and a jerky picture showed a moving wave before another appeared on top of it.

“He took the worst memories of murderers and implanted them into his subject’s minds. They suffered violent dreams, re-enacting the murder committed on the closest person. He hoped to use it to destroy entire villages, the people turning on each other and…well, yes.”

Radek cleaned his glasses as John stared into space. The devastation, the discovery when they woke…he shuddered.

“Do not worry though,” Radek added. “He found no way to use the machine’s power over more than one person. It is far from being the weapon he intended.”

“What about Carson?” John asked, still processing the very idea of such a weapon.

Here Radek paused and visibly swallowed, shaking his head. “There is no cure. He saw no need to reverse the state. I do not know what will happen to him.”

All John could see was Rodney’s face when he told him. He didn’t think he could see him cry.

~

The sea air was bracing and Carson could almost forget the security detail waiting round the corner, the alien water, and imagine himself on the coast of Skye, alone with Rodney and the waves.

Rushing water threw spray up at him and he laughed freely. The waves soothed his soul even as they crashed against the city, their beauty in power and energy. He fought the urge to dive amongst them and gripped at the rail, a grin spread across his face. He hadn’t felt this alive in weeks.

He felt the presence of Rodney at his back and he drew the man’s arms around him, hugging them tightly to his chest and watching the sea. It almost felt like home.

“I think we need a vacation,” Rodney whispered in his ear, close because of the noise. Carson could pretend it was because of something else entirely.

“Aye? And where will we go?”

“The Mainland?” Rodney offered. “The Alpha Site? Somewhere with water.”

“And waves,” Carson added, laughing again as a large one soared up to soak them.

And for the first time, Carson heard Rodney’s genuine laughter. It was raw but it was full of joy and it almost reduced Carson to tears. There was something deep behind it, the release of years of tension until it all flowed away in the laughter and there was only Rodney and Carson and no demons.

But the moment had to end and soon they were back inside, within walls that reminded him that if he let his eyes fall closed, his defences would crumple and someone could die.

Not even the memory of the waves brought calm and soon he sent Rodney away; he couldn’t bear him becoming his first victim.

~

“I have no idea what to do.”

Carol was at a loss, Radek and John were looking like death and Rodney was crashed out on an infirmary bunk. Even Elizabeth was losing hope.

“What are our options?” she said firmly. John stifled a yawn.

“Lock him up somewhere?” he said slowly; Elizabeth turned in acknowledgment but said nothing.

“We can sedate him into a dreamless sleep, but it won’t help him rest. It would just be another set of drugs in his system,” Carol offered.

“I can continue to look at the notes we brought from the machine, but I cannot see how that will help,” Radek said despondently. Rodney shifted in his sleep, muttering to himself. Elizabeth caught something about waves, then turned away, feeling wretched but attempting to be positive.

“I believe Teyla’s mental powers are only limited to the Wraith. Besides…” Carol trailed off and Elizabeth heard what was unsaid. Teyla and Ronon were still on the Mainland; Teyla had not fully recovered from what she had seen of the Ulaxian women’s lives.

“Ulax is a dead end. They’re…” John seemed to consider his words; Elizabeth resisted reaching out to him. “They’re suffering from an extreme cycle of abuse, hating the Genii so much that they’ve become just like them. They can’t help us with this.”

“Do I have anything good to tell him?”

Rodney’s voice broke the silence, its rough desperation almost breaking Elizabeth.

“Not yet,” she said softly and he nodded, bone tired but struggling to his feet and out of the door.

“I can only give him two more doses, Doctor Weir,” Carol said hesitantly. “After that, we can only expect lasting mental damage.”

The thought was inconceivable. She would not let that happen.

“Find other options,” she said tersely and left. Nothing more was said.

~

The day had faded to night again. He sat in the middle of the floor, hunched over, rocking back and forth. He could not sleep, he would not…

He had refused Rodney entry, unwilling to put the man in danger. The worst he could do was tear up his quarters. He hoped. He waited.

~

Rodney was lost.

He hadn’t wanted Carson there from the very first instant. And now this had happened, confirming all his worst fears. Here he stood, watching his horrific prediction come true and unable to do anything.

Carson wouldn’t let him in, afraid he would hurt him. As if Carson could hurt him. Rodney paced back and forth, his tired brain attempting to come up with a brilliant solution, save the day. Nothing worked.

He was going to watch Carson die. That would be how all this ended and he didn’t think he could do that. Watching this was painful enough.

Yet he couldn’t look away – that was the very least that Carson deserved. Rodney would watch and bear it, because Carson was going through much worse.

Then, it came.

He lost the fight and his eyes fell closed. An aching moment and then his body seized, convulsing on the floor before lying perfectly still. For a hollow moment, Rodney thought he had died.

With a start, Carson leapt off the floor, staring eyes and jerking movements making him into a grotesque puppet-like creature. He seemed to be searching, angrily moving around the room, snarling like a caged beast.

“Jotark! JOTARK!”

He was shouting wildly, rage building. A pillow was beaten into submission, a lamp overturned, and he showed no signs of stopping.

“Give her back, Jotark! I will kill you!”

The room was torn apart before finally, Carson collapsed exhausted.

Rodney breathed a sigh of relief. He hoped it was over.

He knew that hope lied.

~

He didn’t understand. Where was he? What was going on?

The ground beneath him was strange, the room unfamiliar and with mounting panic, he realised he couldn’t remember anything.

Four names circled his mind, but he didn’t understand. Ahrat. Carson. Basarb. Rodney.

A strange noise came from the doorway and he stared at it.

“Come in?”

The door opened and a man stood there, looking at him with concern.

“Carson?” he said, a silhouette against the light outside.

Something clicked.

“Rodney?” he said tentatively, testing the word with his tongue. The man frowned.

“Yes, Carson, it’s me. Are you all right?”

“I…” Blank. “I don’t remember.”

Rodney reached out for him and Carson took his hand, reassured but still confused. Who was he?

“It’s okay, Carson. I’ll…take you somewhere safe.”

And he trusted.

~

Carson sat on the bed, looking scared and alone. Elizabeth turned away.

“And he can’t remember anything?”

“He recognised his name. And he knew mine.” Rodney shrugged. “I haven’t tested him.”

“Carol’s doing that now. Kate’s with her,” John said. He looked tired – Elizabeth had heard that he’d stayed up with Radek, offering some kind of moral support. It had yielded nothing.

“You didn’t see him, Elizabeth,” Rodney said, voice muted. “He was…not him. At all.”

She watched him now: blank eyes, grey complexion and just…nothing. It scared her.

After a few minutes, Carol entered the observation room followed by Kate. Their eyes told her everything.

“How bad it is?” she said.

“He’s very disorientated,” Carol shrugged. “Some parts of his life register, others…”

“It appears that he’s confusing the parameters of his life with those of the implanted memory,” Kate said, professional detachment trying to flow over her words. “He casually mentioned his three children and wife a moment ago and then stopped, trying to remember their names. He’s lost between worlds.”

“Is it permanent?” Elizabeth asked, the thought suddenly hitting her that it might be too late, that the Carson they knew might already have left.

“Only time will tell,” Carol said.

“And time we do not have,” Rodney muttered, bitterness in his voice.

“How long until he sleeps again?” Elizabeth asked, trying to maintain some hope.

“Hard to say. Could be two hours, could be two days,” Carol said reluctantly; it was all too vague.

“Carson was fighting.” There were unshed tears lining Rodney’s voice. “It will be sooner rather than later – he can’t fight like this.”

Elizabeth turned back to the glass. She felt a hand on her shoulder.

“Elizabeth?” John’s voice was steady. “I…don’t want to do this, but his room…he should be in a secure place. Where he can’t hurt himself.”

She nodded mutely. They had to protect him. Even if it was already too late.

~

Steve had been a Wraith. It was okay to cage a Wraith.

Carson was…Carson. Everything was wrong.

John paced outside, Carson watching warily. He stopped a moment and tried to smile.

“How are you bearing up?” he said cheerfully.

“Um…all right, I think…John,” Carson replied, the name catching on his tongue. John ignored it.

“Won’t be long now,” he said. “Everyone’s routing for you.”

“Thank you. I think.”

They fell silent and John watched, wondering what was going on behind the not-quite-doctor’s eyes. The notes Radek had been examining had said something about this, but experiments had not continued long. They all ended in murder.

“How is everything?”

John turned to greet Rodney but he only had eyes for Carson. Typical.

“Not sure,” Carson laughed nervously and glanced across at John before fixing his eyes on Rodney.

It was strange, John thought. He had known them for almost two years now, watched them as individuals doing their jobs, working together and apart and they’d all watched the same ‘Hail Mary’ more times than he can count. Yet he’d never noticed this.

They were standing about six feet apart, a shield between them, just…staring. And as John looked at Rodney, he saw worry and concern and…affection streaming from his eyes, leaching from the obvious tension in his body. And when John turned to Carson, he saw that, despite the confusion and the panic, there was trust and hope, the desire to reach out even though he didn’t really know more than the man’s name. He just…knew.

Carson collapsed.

His body twitched on the floor, suddenly launching into full convulsions. His head hit the floor again and again until blood began to stain the surface.

“Open it up!” Rodney shouted, starting forward. “He’s killing himself!”

“Rodney…” John said warningly but the pool of blood was spreading.

“Let me in there!” There was no time.

Against all his instincts, John turned off the shield. Rodney was kneeling in Carson’s blood, holding his head and trying to say something, anything. The thrashing slowed and Rodney released him with a sigh. With a sudden burst of intensity, the fit consummated and Carson’s eyes flew open.

“JOTARK!” he screamed and lunged for Rodney’s neck. The man dived aside but Carson stalked forward, the epitome of rage.

“You killed her! You murdered my Basarb!”

John held up his gun but hesitated. It was Carson, it was…

The decision left him as Carson knocked him aside and all the world was black.

~

He hadn’t really thought about this.

“My children! They burned because of YOU!”

Just back down the corridor, Rodney. Nice and slow now…

“You will burn, I swear by the gods! I will kill you, Jotark!”

Okay, maybe a little faster…

Rodney ran down the corridor, glancing back at Carson who was gaining. The blood spattered from his head, creating a halo of droplets and dripping down his face. He didn’t appear to notice.

“You will not escape me, Jotark! You will pay for the blood of our people! For my family!”

How on earth Carson could say so much and run was beyond Rodney, but he was still gaining and Rodney didn’t have a back-up plan. Only a hunch and that wasn’t really good enough, was it?

“JOTARK!”

He’d get to the control room, where there were people with stun guns (hopefully) and then he’d…try it out. An experiment.

“JOTARK!”

But it wasn’t like that, not this time. This was just feelings and instinct and reaction. He was being chased by his…best friend who was trying to strangle him. And he was going to let him.

“JOTARK!”

They burst into the Gate room and Rodney saw with horror that there were guns present, but they most definitely carried bullets. What would he do now?

“JOTARK!”

He stopped.

~

All he saw was Jotark, eyes watching him with fear. This was how it should be. This was vengeance.

He leapt forward and placed his hands around his neck, holding tight. It wouldn’t be long.

Suddenly, he was aware of men with weapons gathered, telling him to let go, to release him or die.

He would die and Jotark would die with him.

Focussing on Jotark’s eyes, he saw his family gathered to welcome him – Basarb smiling warmly, their children gathered round her. Lyra had nearly seen ten summers, Malin almost seven and Koraz, little Koraz, would never see her first…

Without warning, Jotark swung them round and pulled him close…protecting him? He suddenly felt warm hands pressing into his back even as he strangled the man, and confusion reigned. He saw Jotark, but it wasn’t Jotark at all. It was someone else, someone familiar…

“Carson…” the man gasped out and Ahrat let go.

“Rodney,” he breathed and then surrendered to grey.

~

John waited as the Gate closed and Eiffan moved towards him with a reserved smile.

“John,” he said and held out his hand. John shook it warmly.

“So, it’s Cotarr Spoor now, is it?” he said as they walked upstairs.

“Indeed. When I said I had made familiar contact, they decided I was the best man for the job.”

“Well, congratulations. I’m sure we’ll be seeing a lot of each other.”

“I look forward to it,” Eiffan said and then frowned. “How is…your doctor?”

John sighed. “Sleeping peacefully, by some miracle. We’re waiting for him to wake up so we can make sure everything’s in order up there,” he tapped his own skull, “before we throw a party.”

“Throw a party?” Eiffan tripped over the unfamiliar words and John smiled.

“Ah, Eiffan, my friend,” John slung an arm around his shoulder, “I have a lot to teach you.”

~

Carson woke in darkness. He remembered everything in Technicolor detail. He sat up instantly.

“Easy,” was the low murmur by his side and gentle hands pushed him back to the bed.

“Rodney,” Carson felt a huge flood of relief and relaxed. He was alive. He hadn’t killed him.

“How are you feeling?” Fingers brushed softly through his hair and he sighed.

“Dizzy.” He swallowed hard. “Guilty.”

“Everyone knows it wasn’t you,” Rodney said lightly. “And grudge-holding is for lesser mortals.”

Carson stared at his outline, becoming clearer as his eyes adjusted to the dark.

“And that’s it? Rodney, I could have killed you!”

“But you didn’t!” Rodney sounded positively delirious. “The plan worked, everyone’s alive – for once, no catch!”

“The plan?” Carson echoed, suddenly horrified. “You planned for me…for me…what if it hadn’t worked?”

He made out the shrug of shoulders in the shadow and gaped. “A risk I was willing to take.”

Carson sat in stunned silence. Rodney was willing to die…for him? His mind whirred.

“So, that’s it? We just move on?”

Rodney leaned closer then and whispered, “Carson, I almost killed you during the storm. Of my own will and all that. This is nothing.”

He took a moment to absorb that, and then continued.

“What…what happened then? What was the plan?”

The outline of a smug smile pervaded the dark of his quarters. “You wouldn’t kill me.”

Carson stared. “That was it? That was the plan? That’s not a plan, Rodney!”

“Shh, Carson, please! Carol said I mustn’t get you excited!”

Carson lay back on the bed, but did not relent. “And Elizabeth approved this plan?”

There was a pause.

“I didn’t tell her.”

“So, it was John…”

“Not him either.”

Nothingness reigned as Carson mastered his shocked anger and brought himself under control. They were here, it had worked…whatever it was.

“When I touched you…it was better. I thought that if I was there…you couldn’t…look, Carson, I thought you were…because…”

The silence capered, pregnant with possibilities and Carson smiled, protests dying on his tongue.

“You thought that I…loved you.”

He didn’t know when he’d become so brave but Rodney wasn’t leaving or shouting or freaking out. Carson waited.

“Yes.” A deep breath then, “Was I wrong?”

With faintly trembling fingers, Carson reached up and touched at Rodney’s cheek, wondrously, tenderly.

“No. Am I wrong about this?”

He was weak, Rodney was scared but when Carson kissed him, nothing mattered but them. Soft, infinitely gentle, leisurely – they had all the time in the world, after all. It was the silent presence at his bedside, the resting together in his quarters, the breathtaking crash of waves in warm arms, and Carson knew, suddenly, certainly, that everything would be all right.

~

It had been two weeks.

The demons in his head were just memories, the bruises on Rodney’s neck were fading and John apparently had the Ulaxians begging to trade. Everything was perfect. Everything should be perfect.

Carson sat at his desk, smoothing out papers and looking round the little office. He was a doctor, he had patients to treat, and yet he couldn’t leave the room.

They all stared at him. Civilians, military, those who had seen and those who had not, every resident of Atlantis was staring and whispering, watching him, waiting for him to thrust his hands around someone’s neck.

There was no chance of that now, he knew – no nightmares and no fits, but perhaps they didn’t. Perhaps they would regard him forever as a potential murderer and never trust him again. He couldn’t do this job without trust, no one could. His options were few.

“Hey.”

Rodney was leaning against the doorframe, staring. Carson swallowed, wanting to look away and avoid more scrutiny, but he realised that it was *Rodney*, for goodness’ sake. And he was looking at him with love.

“Hi.”

“Are you going to hide in here forever? Because I have a paper cut and I only trust you.”

His eyes couldn’t help but sweep over Rodney’s healing neck. Trust, yes. Such trust.

“You’d be the only one,” he said with a sigh, leaning back in the chair, suddenly exhausted.

Rodney pushed himself away from the door and came round the desk. He hesitantly, awkwardly perched on Carson’s knee and then kissed him.

He broke away – minutes, hours? – and Carson realised he had completely forgotten everything he wanted to say, everything he worried over, everything dark.

“It’s not true anyway,” Rodney said, looking towards the door with disdain. “They like you, remember? Sometimes it would be easier for you if, like me, you left a trail of hatred in your wake.”

Carson touched at his arm and Rodney looked down, expression softening. “You’re not as prickly as you’d like people to believe, Rodney. And besides you’re not that scary either.”

There was a pout and an affected sniff; Rodney crossed his arms across his chest and pretended to sulk. Carson laughed at the sight absurd, and Rodney looked even more put out.

“Oh yes, the show’s here ‘til Thursday. It’s you who sabotaged my reputation. All that starry-eyed moping…”

“Starry-eyed moping, was it? Oh, that I would have paid for,” Carson’s eyes were sparkling and the dark eyes of his colleagues faded away in the face of the man who trusted.

“You saved my life,” Carson said, emerging from the darkness.

“You save me every day,” was the whisper as they basked in the light.

****

Czech:

Muj boze – My God