TITLE: Take my hand

SPOILERS: Friends & Lovers, Burked, Stalker, A Little Murder, Got Murder?, Play with Fire, Inside the Box.

NOTES: Set immediately after ‘Inside the Box’.

For you, Mags. Because we love Catherine and Grissom.

Written in a traffic jam on the way to Wolf SG6. The M5 roadworks are good for something!

You know relationships don’t have to be complicated. You remember just enough of the strip clubs to know that, but it was never your life. You had that line and it was definite in your mind, even though Eddie was skirting the boundaries and you had to rationalise that to yourself.

Eddie was complicated and remained complex and twisted to the very end, even after all those decisions to cut him out and embrace Lindsey. You knew you didn’t need anyone but her, and that was fine for both of you. It felt freeing.

But relationships are never simple, even when you try to place them in neat boxes labelled ‘friends’ and shove them on the high shelves.

Because colleagues became friends and slipped into family before you’d completely settled on being independent again.

Warrick held you when a suspect came out of nowhere, comfort easy to take from strong arms that seemed to encircle the world. He always has your back and knows your boundaries; Warrick is Mr Dependable, the constant.

Nicky is like your grown-up son, facing the world with wide-eyed smiles and an easy trust that you were drained of years ago. You fought Ecklie because it was right, but you know you need Nick because you need that reminder of gentle innocent and genuine sincerity. Nick’s your protected, the one you believe it.

Sara is the one you’ve known for the shortest time, and you resisted her all the way. She taunted you with her freedom, even though you rationally knew she didn’t mean to. She’s become close though, given you the opportunity to live vicariously and guide her through. Sara makes you feel needed, even if her drive makes you feel old and tired. Sometimes you need two cups of coffee to just keep up with her.

Greg and Brass flirt shamelessly, but you know it hovers over genuine affection and you constantly thank Fate that Greg can still smile at you with sparkling eyes and not hold a token of blame.

It took a long time to figure them all out, and you still need to work through your feelings sometimes, when Archie’s crush or David’s fatherly concern blindside you.

Of course, you’ve missed someone, and they say ‘save the best ‘til last’. That’s never been your style though, and that’s why the paperwork piles up and why Grissom, the puzzle coated in riddle and wrapped in an enigma, is the last in this list.

All your relationships, Eddie’s rollercoaster ride included, have never been this complicated. You’ve been in love with Ed for years and it’s painful most days but you can remember the good things; you can forgive him almost anything.

Gil’s different somehow. He never saw you dance, never lurked in that world, but he couldn’t understand the mask you wore, always cast it aside when you needed it most.

He’s held you more times than you can remember, heard you cry and soothed you to sleep. You’re almost certain no one else has seen that side of him, that his gentle hands only brush away your tears and card through your hair.

He’s good with Lindsey, excited at her birthday and buying her Christmas present in June. He takes her on rollercoasters, despite your misgivings, but when he smiled boyishly and his eyes light up, how can you deny him anything?

That scares you sometimes, the power he has over you, but that’s not what keeps you awake at night, tossing and turning and trying to forget dreams. You finally found a reality you could believe in, and he had to blow it away, didn’t he?

He has unshakeable faith in you, and it seems trust is infectious, because you’ve found yourself forgetting to question, to examine motive.

‘May I take your hand?’ – a joke, and your gloved hand slapped into his. But as he guided you over a body, didn’t it feel like dancing, like you were a princess at court and he was your knight?

Absurd. You knew it then and you know it now, but that doesn’t stop the feeling. You stumbled over a rooftop and he reached out, stopping a short, uneventful trip over the edge. It was instinctive, you could tell, but he held on a little too long.

He lifted you up and down off, well, who-knows-what now, but the sense memory of his hands on your waist isn’t fading. You can feel your skin burning now as you sit in a hospital waiting room, nursing your cold cup of coffee and not entirely sure why you’re there.

He didn’t trust you with this, but you realise that maybe that’s not quite true. He let you in slowly, in little ways – you know all about his mother, he makes no attempt to glance away from your lips, and you find yourself turning towards him, making it easier.

He’s told you now, and you think he really wanted to, that’s it’s not a protocol, a formality. You had to see him, because today your history feel down around your ears and you needed a piece that was intact.

Or maybe you just needed him.

The doctor speaks with you briefly – apparent success, wait and see, you can go in.

You move in slowly, almost afraid of this moment, because today, neither one of you can be strong, bring denial, turn away.

So you stand beside the bed and smile at his unfocused eyes, and you reach out. Because it’s only complicated if you want it to be, and chances aren’t what they used to be.

You think you may be in love, and it’s alright. It’s all alright.

“It’s alright – take my hand.”