Baggage Check
(or ‘extremely gullible
psychiatrists’)
By Demon Faith
TITLE: Baggage Check
AUTHOR: Demon Faith
EMAIL: rosabeth@hotmail.com
CATEGORY: Humour, Series
SPOILERS: Mild
references to major series events
SEASON/SEQUEL: Mid
Season 3
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS:
Implications
SUMMARY: SG1 have a
psychological evaluation
DISCLAIMER: They aren’t
mine! Honest!
AUTHOR’S NOTES: I am an
avid Sam/Daniel fan and my dear friend Stephali is getting sick of it. So she
set me a simple challenge: write a fic with NO Sam/Daniel. Well, I did try and
the only way I could do it was if the fic had no proper plotline, which it
doesn’t. So, sorry about that! However, I have left room for a perfectly sane sequel,
which does have a plotline, and might, if Steph will let me, have Sam/Daniel.
Or not, depends if she’s in a good mood.
Anyway, on with the
show!
(Yes, I realise this is
a S/D web page! But you need this to start the series! Sorry about that!)
“So, why are we here?”
“It’s called a Baggage Check,
Jack.”
“Yeah, we all talk about our
problems.”
“Sounds like fun. So, who’s going
first?”
“Uh…it says here that you have to
go first.”
“What? Me? Why me?”
“You’re the colonel, Colonel. Oh,
and Mackenzie wants you to spend at least an hour talking.”
“Is that significant?”
“Uh, yeah. It says only ten
minutes for the rest of us.”
“Just peachy. Okay, so where do I
start?
“No idea. Anything you want to
talk about?”
“Just out of interest, why are we
whispering?”
“We just are, Daniel. And why
hasn’t Teal’c said anything?”
“As I once told Catherine
Langford, I only speak when it is appropriate.”
“Uh-huh. Okey-dokey, I should
start talking, right?”
“Fire away, sir.”
“Well, there’s nothing I want to talk about. So, switch to
Daniel.”
“Um, Jack? We have to stay here for an hour and a half.”
“Oh for crying out loud! *pause*
Why an hour and a hour?”
“Well, sixty minutes for you and
ten minutes for each of us. That adds up to ninety minutes, which is an hour
and a half.”
“Thank you, Miss Astrophysicist.”
“Anytime, sir.”
“Is there anyway we can get out
early?”
“Well, there is one way Jack.”
“I’m listening, Daniel.”
“Well, that’s a first!”
“Daniel…”
“Okay, okay! We’re being
monitored, right?”
“We are!?”
“Yes sir. But I’m pretty sure they
can’t hear us whispering.”
“Oh, okay then.”
“Anyway, as I was saying, before you interrupted…”
“Oh get on with it Daniel!”
“Yes sir! *sloppy salute* Well, if we give Mackenzie lots of dramatic,
juicy ‘gossip’, he might let us out early.”
“Might?”
“It’s worth a shot, sir.”
“Hmm…okay, you go first, Carter.”
“Right. #Oh Jack, I’ve loved you
since the day I first saw you!#”
“Not that juicy.”
“Lighten up, Jack. If it gets us
out of here…”
“I know, I know. Okay, well you
want a reaction?”
“Would help sir.”
“#What? You can’t love me! I’m
married to…Janet Frasier!#”
“Then, wouldn’t she be Janet
O’Neill?”
“Shut up Daniel!”
“#I’ll kill her, I will! She can’t
have you, you’re mine!#”
“Okay, here’s my contribution.
#Jack? You can’t be married to Janet! I…slept with her last week!#”
“You’re married, Daniel.”
“Widowed, in case you forgot.”
“Oh, sorry. #You slept with my
wife? That’s okay, ‘cause I’m having have an affair with…Sarah!”
“She is your wife, Jack.”
“Yeah, but we’d be divorced if I
was married to Janet.”
“Point taken.”
“Or you could be a bigamist.”
“Carter, you think too much.”
“Why thank you sir!”
“Scientists! Okay, now everyone’s
slept with everybody else, what now? He still hasn't opened the door.”
“#O’Neill, perhaps it is time to
reveal that I am a homosexual.#”
“#What the hell? You’re gay!#”
“Indeed not, O’Neill. I am merely
pretending for the sake of ending our incarceration.”
“Oh, alright then.”
“He still hasn't opened the door.”
“He’s probably fainted.”
“Who wouldn’t?”
“Well, we still need something
more dramatic…”
“I’ve got it! *smack* How’s that?”
“#Sam! You slapped me!#”
“Yeah well, wait for the rest!
#You’re a dead man, Daniel! I’ve poisoned your coffee. The poison should take
effect any moment and I wanted you to know who had killed you!#
“#No…can’t breathe…dying…*thud*#”
“#Yes! He’s dead!#”
“What do we do now, Major Carter?”
“Bang on the door and call for
help. Nothing else has worked. Oh and I had better amend this before I get
arrested. #Oh no! I didn’t mean to actually kill him! Being Daniel, I thought
he would survive! Well, better dispose of the witnesses!#”
“#Carter!#”
“*smack* #Well, the Colonel’s
unconscious.# Didn’t mean to hit him that
hard. #Come on, Teal’c, partner in crime! Bang on the door and get us out
of here. I’ll carry Daniel and you take the Colonel. I don’t think I could
carry him.#”
“#As you wish, Major Carter#”
“Got the feeling I’m going to be
arrested?”
“Most probably, Major Carter.”
*door finally opens*
“#What is going on in here?#”
“#Move out of the way! We have to
get the infirmary#.”
*runs down corridor and ends up in
infirmary*
“#Sam! What the hell is going
on?#”
“We’re escaping Mackenzie. I
knocked out the Colonel and Daniel’s supposed to be dead.”
“Why are you whispering?”
“Habit I picked up. Don’t suppose
you can do fake CPR?”
“No. So, Daniel isn’t dead?”
“No I am not! You know, Sam, Jack
is not going to be happy with you.”
“Oh I think he’ll be alright…”
“Carter!”
“Then again maybe not!”
Either these people
have the most active hormones, impulses and social lives in the country or they
have the most active imaginations. Where as I can believe that Colonel O’Neill
would cheat on his wife, I do not think Samantha would fall for someone as
obnoxious as the Colonel. However, if I remove all competition for her, I may
be in with a chance. I had a good shot at Dr Jackson last year, with the schizophrenia,
and now he’s dead. Unfortunately, Samantha killed him. I haven’t reported her
to the authorities because, with any luck, she might kill off the Colonel as
well. At least Teal’c is a homosexual; that’s one piece of competition removed.
Dr Mackenzie