Entry 2 – First Mission

Wow…I mean, wow. I knew these guys...but I had no idea...

I’m part of something big. Bigger than me, bigger than politics – I’m saving the world. Well, the team. I’m working up to the world.

It started with the NASA pictures. Major Carer was bouncing on her heels, but by the way the Colonel watched her, I sense it wasn’t her usual enthusiasm. It still haunts them. And then they see me...

She was happier when her dad came. I’ve studied all the reports on the Tok’ra, but to actually meet one, someone who’s been alive thousands of years – it’s beyond...anything. Teal’c put a warning hand on my shoulder when I was threatening actual takeoff, and that did the trick. It more than...but I’m not going there. No, I’m not. Nowhere near. Nu-huh.

Right, where was I? Yes, Jacob and his ship. The excitement of the moment carried me away. Grinning like a man who just got...nowhere to go there. Because I’m not going there. (Unfortunately) Oops.

Well, the Colonel picked up on that. Then, I said it was my firs time...yeah, my thoughts were on the mission. I think Teal’c smiles – I think, it’s difficult to tell. They think I’m like a child. They’re jaded, a little world-weary – I know why. And there I am, grinning like an idiot (better simile), and hoping that the Jaffa was smiling and hadn’t just eaten baked beans for breakfast.

Then, they left me. Not only was there an entire Goa’uld mothership out there that I had read about the previous night to avoid...other thoughts, but those other thoughts were manifested in the very person I was to be left with. On the other hand, if I stayed around him long enough I might start to hate him, and that would be good...right?

Also, Sam has led me to believe that Major Davies had more than a passing interest in the welfare of Doctor Jackson, and if the glares were anything to go by, I would be a lot safer with Teal’c.

So, Teal’c radioed base, and I tried to do anything but watch him. I think I ended up counting ceiling screws (the metal kind), until my mind eventually wandered to the snack I’d packed earlier. Oh yeah, it was perfectly innocent. Like a guest on Jerry Springer.

I produced my...banana, and he stared at me. I peeled it, and started to eat, trying not to...hell, I don’t know *what* I was doing. I wasn’t really thinking, too busy concentrating on banana symbolism, and what I said next escapes memory.

I believe I said Teal’c and I should stick together.

My thoughts were on banana syrup.

So when Teal’c asked if I was suggesting an alien conspiracy, I realised I’d talked me way into trouble. As usual.

Then, to cover me hideous faux pas, I started laughing and waving my banana. Yes, Jonas, that’s exactly the way to prove you’re sane, never mind his weird obsession that you’ve got going.

Yeah, well, that wasn’t pretty. I was almost grateful for trouble on ship, and the promise of escaping this tension. But a man was dead, and the tension was kinda sexy. NOOOO! My mind is...a very scary place.

Then, it happened. The rings activated, I turned to face tht team and...I got pulled out the way. Several Zat blasts later, I get off the floor (that man is *strong*) and jump out, Zat at the ready. To find three dead Jaffa, and one thankfully-not-dead Jaffa who hadn’t even broken a sweat. Damn.

So the team is trapped on a falling ship, and there’s nothing we can do. There was complete silence whilst we watched, like it was nothing to do with us, just an old movie playing on a cinema screen.

We didn’t talk much at all, silence seeming more natural, less intrusive than talking about alien conspiracies and bananas. We didn’t know if they were dead, and there was a voice screaming inside me that this was all my fault, like Doctor Jackson, like betraying my people...

Okay, maybe I have some issues.

Ah-hm, where was I? Right, silence. The thing about silence is that it builds up on you, and somewhere between feeling useless and forcing my eyes away from Teal’c, the voices had reached maximum pitch, and I had to break this silence. So I find myself spilling my guts to possible to worst person ever, because my hate theory didn’t work out, and liking him is proving entirely too easy. And, y’know, I don’t think he’s completely adverse to me either. He tells me there are many battles left to be fought. He doesn’t know the truth in those words.

The submarine was a new experience, though I wasn’t really concentrating on my surroundings I as watching Teal’c kelnoreem. And it is an amazing sight.

His back is perfectly straight and he is completely still, yet every muscle is relaxed. His face is free from worry lines, and the skin around his golden mark is smooth. I have never seen a man so completely at peace. And so completely hot.

Thankfully, when I’d come back from my attempted cooldown (apparently you can’t open the windows on submarines), he had stopped his meditation and was talking statistics with one of the soldiers. I’m not a great mathematician but I listened patiently, asking an idiot’s question every now and then, earning me a glare from the soldier but an enlightening explanation from Teal’c. I apologised later for my stupidity, but he put a hand on my shoulder and said simply ‘I was happy to explain, Jonas Quinn. Your apologies are unnecessary.’

He put my lack of speech down to gratitude and moved away. And my temperature gradually returned to normal. (40.1, in case you were wondering)

When we got to the ship and made contact, it was like a sudden thaw. They were fin, I hadn’t let them down – we were gonna be okay.

And then I got sent back. Soldiers follow orders, civilians improvise. I’m glad I’m a civilian. So, I’m flitting like a nervous butterfly when they radio in with trouble. The solution hits me, and I’m gone. This is my chance to prove myself, to the team, to Teal’c – this is the moment.

I’m running through the corridors instinctively turning, my mind elsewhere. Because even though I’m determined to save them, I can’t help thinking about my last time underwater. As I key in the sequences and start my breathing exercises, I can smell burnt flesh, hear the sharp hiss as fire meets water...

Then, the water came.

One slot, two slots...diving for him, knowing it was too late...the right sequence now, remember...pulling him to the surface, willing him to breathe...final lockdown...time to go...

I forced my mind to concentrate on the rings not on Anton, and transported myself to a corridor. Smashed into the floor, the breath was completely knocked out of me but I got up and stumbled away towards me team.

When I saw him, Teal’c, it was a very real stab of pain hitting my heart. Because his eyes are exactly like Anton’s, full of concern and quiet pride. I forced my eyes away and we ran to the gliders. I went with the Colonel – no need to lose face again – and flew out into the water.

Because I had succeeded. I had saved them. Even though I couldn’t save Anton. He haunts me still – the man I let down only a few months ago. We were conducting a scientific survey – evaluating an area of water for the latest floating city. It seems some Colonnans took objection, and they attacked us. We were defenceless, we had no need for weapons. We jumped for the water – all of us except Anton. He wanted to save the survey.

I remember calling to him as he stood on the edge of the boat, about to jump. He caught my eye and smiled and me, and then...he was shot. His clothes alight...screaming...my own...as I dived to save him, but it was too late before he’d even hit the water.

My fiancé of three years gone in a heartbeat. And it was my fault – I was closest to the files, *I* should’ve taken them, I should’ve been the one to die.

Oh, someone’s at the door.

Wow. Teal’c asked me for a drink. Back later.