Losing Control

It was early in the morning, when Dr. Daniel Jackson woke up. Very early. 3.52 to be precise. He looked over at the alarm clock and groaned, uneasily remembering the cause of his disturbance. His nightmare. Caused by the death of his dream: Sha’re. Since that terrible day that seemed to last forever, his mind had been plagued by images and memories of her and their life on Abydos. It had been perfect. She was perfect. Strangely, that was one of the things he regretted most. If she hadn't been perfect then she would have forced him to take her with her on that fateful day when the Stargate program reopened, instead of him leaving her behind. If she hadn't been perfect then Teal'c, Apophis and Ammaunet would not have chosen her as a host. If he had been anywhere near perfect then he would have put up the barrier over the Stargate on the last day he spent with her...the first day he spent with Sam. Blaming her irrationally, Daniel vented out his feelings on a nearby statue. Fortunately he was at home. His home. Not at the base, or at Jack's. He had been working on translating the inscriptions carved around the figurine of what appeared to be an early form of clay. Oh well, that was one less job. He had though been involving himself way too deeply in his work. Grief was a burden. But it could be dealt with, sometimes shared. It would always be a part of you, but it would make you stronger and enhance your life to make you see life was worth living. 'Yeah right!' Daniel thought to himself. Sometimes it's easier to die than to live.

Later on that day, but not much, Major Samantha Carter was making breakfast. Since she was at home in the first time in…forever, she was treating herself. She (well Janet) had decided she was looking a little pale recently and so hopefully an excess of unhealthy food would put an end to that. She wasn't looking as bad as Daniel though. It looked as if he hadn't slept, eaten or smiled since Sha're died. He'd had coffee of course, and seemed to be surviving on the energy on that. He was just very upset. He got engrossed in his work, barely spoke to anyone and avoided SG1, especially Teal'c. Sam figured it must be hard for him, as Teal'c's a friend, but he's also the person who gave Sha're to Apophis and he's also the person who killed her. Sam had considered leaving Daniel alone, respecting his privacy, but she instinctively knew that was not what he needed. He needed his friends now, more than ever before, and she was not going to abandon him. She rummaged through her cupboards looking for a frying pan, whilst going through a plan of action in her mind. She would eat breakfast, call on Daniel, see what state he was in and then call the Colonel. She would then figure out how to spend the rest of her day. Pleased with her own organisational skills, she started the timer on her cooker and added a load of oil to the frying pan.

Sam had tried to ring Daniel several times now but received no reply. Going up to the door she knocked loudly, yelling his name. Still no response. Sam was worried. It just wasn't like Daniel to go off on his own, disregarding concerns for his safety. Well it was, but only when ancient artefacts were involved. She banged on the door again and was greeted by a horrendous smash in return. She backed off a step, muttering apologies. Then she charged forward, taking the door with a flying kick. Daniel was standing in the middle of the room, surrounded by broken pottery and tablets, most of his work for the next month. Sam’s eyes widened in shock. Daniel gave her a sarcastic smile.

“Tripped. Come in, why don’t you.”

Sam bit her lip anxiously. Daniel looked a wreck. He had bruise-deep shadows under his eyes and his hair was sticking up on end like a hedgehog. He obviously hadn’t shaven and Sam was sure she could smell alcohol. Tentatively, she stepped into the apartment. Daniel’s eyes glared with a fierce anger at her intrusion, but kept his tight smile all the time. Sam noticed it at once. I have got to get out of here. She didn’t know why but she was afraid; for herself, for Daniel and for what would happen if she stayed there a moment longer.

“Actually, I just popped in to say hi. I’ve got …a lot of work to do.”

Daniel fixed her with a piercing stare. Sam didn’t know what possessed her but she ran like hell.

Sam crashed into her car and fished out her mobile. She quickly dialled up the Colonel’s number, hoping and praying he was at home. The phone rang for at least a minute before the phone was picked up, dropped and reclaimed, under a tirade of cursing.

“Colonel?”

“Carter? Why the hell are you ringing me on a Saturday?”

Sam smiled. She had expected nothing less than the grouch routine from the Colonel. But she lost her smile as she remembered why she was ringing and glanced nervously up at the apartment.

“It’s Daniel, sir. I just visited him and he’s a wreck. I didn’t know what to do, sir. I just ran.”

The Colonel paused, obviously absorbing the information.

"I thought maybe you could talk to him, sir."

Jack O'Neill sighed. He should have noticed, hell he did notice, that something wasn't right with Daniel. But did he do anything? Not a damned thing. He just left his archaeologist friend alone, figuring that was what he wanted. He'd never even tried to help. Anger surged through him, but not only because of himself. He thought Daniel would have known better than to do…whatever he was doing, everybody would have. But they were all wrong.

"Where are you Carter?"

"I'm still outside Daniel's."

"Stay there. I'll get over there as soon as I can."

With that he hung up leaving a very nervous Carter crouched in the back of her car, hoping that Daniel wouldn't come out and see her. She'd never been scared of him before, but then again, he'd never acted like this before.

About five minutes after she'd put away her 'phone, Daniel emerged from the front door of the large apartment block. He had on a crumpled shirt and nothing had been done about his hair. He looked terrible. Sam looked at him with pity racing through her, she wanted to get out and tell him that everything was going to be alright. She wanted to be there for him and for him to trust her. But she was too afraid. Instead, she thought she could try to follow him. Daniel was walking apprehensively down the main street, as if he expected someone to leap out at him. Sam whipped out an old envelope from the glove pocket of her car and scribbled a message to the Colonel. Then she stealthily slipped out of her car, locked it and walked casually down the road, eyes peeled for any sign of Daniel, or any sign of trouble.

Jack O’Neill tore down the road at breakneck speed and swerved beside the kerb. He leapt out of the car and ran over to Carter’s. The little scrap of paper in her windscreen was obviously for him but Carter, being Special Forces and all, had gone and encrypted the damn thing. It read:

GONA EFTED RANIES. LTAH YERS. EAM

Jack stared at the bit of paper for a second before he cracked the code. ‘EAM’ was the clue…

GONE AFTER DANIEL. STAY HERE. SAM

For once, Jack decided to pay attention to his 2IC and stay put. He slipped on his sunglasses and leaned inconspicuously against the car. They didn’t send you to Black Ops for nothing!

Sam quickened her pace. Where the hell was he? She looked wildly about her. This area looked rough, almost as bad as the place Teal’c had ended up in when he turned into a living beehive. That was …not fun. Sam stopped and sighed. She had lost him. She turned around sullenly and headed back for her car.

Jack stood up when he saw Carter. She looked pretty upset. Daniel must be bad. She smiled weakly when she saw him and sauntered over, hands in pockets.

“Sir.”

“Carter.”

They had got to stop doing that! Every time they saw each other it was ‘Sir’ and ‘Carter’, as if to make sure they were both clear on the point. It was so ridiculous.

“I lost him. He just …disappeared.”

Jack smiled tightly. This was not good. Carter, highly trained ex-Tok’ra, had lost a bumbling archaeologist in a place as small as a back alley. Something wasn’t quite right here but Jack wasn’t going to bring it up. Not now, not while Daniel was …at risk? Dangerous? Mad? Oh dear, they were not going down that road again. Which meant they kept this outside the SGC, and well away from Mackenzie and the other happy campers that ran the mental establishments of the district.

“Well, you tried. What say we leave off the search and check out his apartment? You said it was …wrecked?”

Sam nodded reluctantly and led the way to Daniel’s apartment. Not that Jack needed to be led but he figured she could use the space. When they reached the room, the door was hanging off its hinges and slightly dented. Jack frowned and Sam greeted him with a guilty smile.

“That was me. I got a little …excited.”

He waved it off. Now just wasn’t the time. She eased the door back and Jack jumped. The floor was covered with shards of pottery, china and stone; the remains of Daniel’s favourite ‘rocks’. Sam swallowed nervously. She picked her way through the rubble, arriving at the answering machine. The little light bulb was flashing, so she pressed the button.

“We need it by tonight, Danny boy. You deliver, we deliver: ain’t that simple? Make sure it’s prompt.”

Jack’s blood boiled at the thought of someone using his affectionate nickname for such a blatant use. Sam shivered at the words and Jack gave her a half-hug. She brushed at her eye and left the room. Jack followed.

“Daniel Jackson is in danger?”

“We don’t know, Teal’c. That’s all we know, and we’ve decided we need your help.”

Janet bit her lip and Teal’c nodded solemnly. Ferretti and SG2 also nodded. These were the people Jack trusted most, save Daniel but he was the one they were helping. Sam looked sad, almost wistful and it was her who spoke first.

“So, what do we do?”

“First, we have to find him. Whoever does brings him here. We don’t know everything and we may have misread it, but treat it as code red. Let’s move people.”

Jack slammed the bonnet of his jeep for effect. They were all parked outside Daniel’s apartment block and moved from there. Sam headed out alone, in the last direction she had seen Daniel. The message had sounded quite threatening and she wasn’t going to believe this was a mistake. She had seen the hate in his eyes, the loathing.

You’ve never known what love is.

The Daniel I know would never have said that.

Sam blinked back sudden tears and pulled her jacket around her. She didn’t want reminders of the stupid sarcophagus, it was too painful. She hurried ahead and then stopped. Cold dread filled her at the sight, guilt wrapping its evil fingers around her heart. Daniel.

Lying beaten in the street, unmoving, still. Sam knelt down beside him and placed a hand to his neck. Faint but steady. She stroked his hair, not wanting to see the cruel cuts and bruises and the obviously broken arm. This was a warning; she had seen too many things as a Tok’ra and this was the most horrific: one person beating another for fun and pleasure, revelling in their misery. Gently, she slipped her hands beneath him and lifted him slowly into her arms. He was heavy but she would carry him forever as long as he was safe. She moved back into the dull stillness of the night, crying out for help. It was Ferretti who saw her first. He ran, shouting to the others, taking Daniel’s limp form from her.

Janet rushed to Ferretti's side, praying that Daniel wasn't actually as bad as he appeared to be. Thankfully he was unconscious, she thought, the pain otherwise would have been unbearable. Unless, of course, he was pumped full of the infirmary's drugs. Drugs. Damn. But he couldn't...but he wouldn't...but he might have. Janet tried not to think about the terrible consequences. When she was twenty, her friend Amber had died of an overdose. Janet didn't know much about the circumstances, she didn't even know what Amber had died from, but she did know how it felt to lose someone like that. It was devastating, even more so because the signs were there but nobody acted. That day was the worst day of her life, and she wanted it to stay that way; she didn't want Daniel to die.

The closest large, enclosed space was the back of Jack's jeep. Flattening down the majority of the seats, it was transformed into a makeshift ambulance. Ferretti carefully eased Daniel to the floor, ignoring offers of help from Sam. She wasn't the only one who cared for Daniel. Over the years, his opinion of Daniel had changed from him being an annoying geek to a kind, sometimes helpful geek. Knowing his abilities though, he quickly scrambled down back onto the litter-covered street, giving Frasier space to climb in.

"It's too dark in here. I need more light!" she yelled.

Jack obligingly searched through the glovebox and emerged with a small pocket torch. Even normally, Jack would do anything for the smart, pretty doctor, but today he was on double alert, giving any minor assistance he could to the woman who would help Daniel get through this. Unless Sam got there first.

Everything was blurred. Everything was hurting. He just lay there trying to process what had happened, but nothing made sense. He caught sight of a person sprawled across the sandy ground, her eyes dying as she whispered "I love you my Daniel." Sha're. She was dead. In the forced reconstruction in his mind, Daniel watched Teal'c fire his staff weapon again and again and again. Teal'c was not trying to save him, Daniel, he just wanted to kill the Gou'ald, no matter who they were. He hadn't even given her a chance. Then he could see Sam, Jack and Janet standing around him, laughing at him, mocking him, because his wife had been a host. They thought it was hilarious that Sha're had become Ammaunet and that Daniel had wasted all that time looking for her, since it was a futile hope born out of a broken heart. Nobody even noticed he was hurting, they just left him alone, isolating him. Driving him to do what he had to do.

"I've done everything I can to relieve the pain. Now all we have to do is wait for him to wake up."

"How long Doc?"

"Not too long now Colonel."

"Do we know how he ended up like that?"

"I'm not sure what you mean Sam. The injuries were caused by sustained beating to the head and lower abdomen, the cuts, though not deep, probably as a result of a small pocket knife, the broken…"

Janet faltered at a look from Jack. He glanced at Sam, signalling that he thought she should not have to hear this right now. She was too upset for this now. He could hear it later.

"What I meant was why Daniel?"

Yet again Janet faltered. She didn't want to explain to anyone about the needle marks all up his left wrist. So she'd covered it in a bandage and pretended it was just a cut. Since she was the only medic around, she would have complete authority over who performed even the slightest medical procedure. That meant, no one would change that bandage and find out that way. But she didn't want to keep it from SG1. Teal'c had come over half way through the conversation and was standing behind Jack, listening with interest as if he didn't fully understand what was being said.

"Do you not have any idea about how Daniel Jackson got into this state?"

Janet paused just too long before answering. Sam turned away. "Tell us Janet, please."

Janet could feel the tears welling up in her own eyes and she could see the pain in Sam's, the realisation in Jack's and the concern in Teal'c's. Silently giving her permission to Jack, she nodded for him to explain it.

"Daniel's on drugs!" Jack's voice was filled with disbelief. It couldn't be. His space-monkey pumping himself full of god knows what. And why? He immediately assumed Sha're and inwardly berated himself, he should have known. He knew the silence wasn't like Daniel, but he hadn't noticed it had got that bad.

When Janet slowly nodded she knew that she wouldn't be able to hide her tears any longer. Jack came out of his depression and hugged her gently, shouldering her weight and allowing her to cry for as long as she needed. What he didn't know was that Teal'c had done the same to Sam. He often copied O'Neill's actions and seeing Sam's distress he offered the same support Jack did. Sam accepted it gratefully. She needed help right now, but not as much as Daniel.

SG2 bounded round the corner. They had been to the chip shop and were full of spirits, apparently forgetting what had happened to Daniel. They stumbled onto the scene, halting when they saw SG1. Ferretti motioned for silence and after a moment, for his team to head back out of sight.

"Sam and Teal'c. Whoa, I never saw that one coming!" his 2IC joked.

"Don't. Just don't." He was surprised by Ferretti's misery.

"Why?" he asked and instantly regretted it.

"Something terrible must have happened to Daniel. Now just go."

Gradually, they parted from the embrace, wary of the looks they were getting and of the all-too-familiar figure needing their help, their care and their reassurance. Janet knelt down beside Daniel, her eyes still brimming. Jack backed off a pace and leaned against the jeep. Sam slipped from Teal’c’s arms and sat in the back. She gently lifted Daniel’s head and shifted under him, laying his head softly in her lap. Her fingers traced the deep worry lines and bruises, sharing his pain through her sorrow. Janet leaned into the driver’s seat, which Jack was now occupying. Teal’c jumped into the front passenger seat and Jack started the jeep. Sam caught sight of SG2 silently leaving in Ferretti’s car. They looked happy enough, except for Ferretti himself, whose eyes betrayed the fear and worry that all of SG1 felt right now. Sam turned her attention back to Daniel, gently laying her hand on his head, begging him to wake up. If she lost Daniel…no, don’t think that! Sam mentally slapped herself and looked back. Daniel was staring up at her.

“What’s up, Ferretti? You look a little down.”

Ferretti ignored his 2IC and concentrated on the road. What did the idiot think was wrong? Daniel could be dying and they were talking about the latest football results! Ferretti swerved into Cheyenne car park, with Jack pulling in behind. Ferretti stopped and jumped straight out, to see if he could help. Jack and Teal’c were already out of the jeep, helping Janet in any small way they could. Teal’c ran off towards the base, while Jack scrambled through the glove box for anything to use as a bandage. Ferretti could just make out Sam in the back, speaking in hushed tones, comforting Daniel if she could.

“Sam, …what happened?”

Sam pressed a finger to his lips, quietening him.

“Save your strength, Daniel. You’re going to be fine.”

He stared at her with questioning eyes, thinking over what she had said. Was it a deception? Had the Goa’uld taken over the SGC? Sam was lying to him but he had to play along or he might be captured, tortured. Daniel’s mind was a frenzy of paranoia, and he was playing out his elaborate plots, thinking everyone was against him, and Sha’re. Sam was the Tok’ra assassin, Teal’c was sent by Kronus, Janet was actually an Asgard and Jack was Hathor’s latest host: Daniel’s deranged mind made ‘sense’ of everything, “it was the only explanation”. He had to get out of there. And the only escape was the drugs.

Jack leaned into the jeep. He had noted Ferretti’s presence and dismissed the guy. He gently pulled Daniel off Sam and into his arms.

“Jack…”

Daniel looked at him, his eyes drifting in and out of focus. Jack hefted him further into his grasp and set off at a dead sprint towards the SGC. Sam leapt out of the jeep and ran after him. Teal’c helped Janet collect her stuff before they too headed off to the building.

General Hammond couldn’t quite believe his eyes. It was Saturday evening. SG1 were on extended leave and it was a quiet night. Then the shouting started.

“Out of the way, out of the way!”

Jack ran through the corridors, clutching Daniel to him. The General just happened to be on that level when the commotion started. Jack pushed him out of the way and Sam barraged straight past. Teal’c and Janet followed at a dead sprint. General Hammond followed them down, concerned by the limp archaeologist cradled in Jack’s arms. He marched into the infirmary to see a hive of activity around the main bed with Jack, Sam and Teal’c running around fetching and carrying at a remarkable rate. Janet was trying to set up drips, administer injections and patch up cuts all at the same time. It all died down about five minutes later and a tired Janet came over to him.

“A word, General. In private.”

General Hammond gestured for her to come with him. He took one last glance at SG1, to see the team crowd around with chairs and pillows. No; not a team. A family.

“Drugs?”

“Heroin, to be precise. His system’s chock full of it; he’s been on it for at least a month.”

A month since the ribbon device, a month since the funeral, a month since Teal’c shot her: it all came back to Sha’re. The General shook his head. Why hadn’t they noticed? It wouldn’t have been the first time a member of the SGC had taken drugs. About eight months previously, a cadet had topped herself on paracetamol; she got sent to rehab. And they thought that Jonas Hansen, Major Carter’s ill-fated fiancé, had taken amphetamines. But Daniel, the quiet, demure archaeologist, being addicted to heroin? It was unthinkable.

“So what do we do?”

“Keep it away from Mackenzie.”

General Hammond raised an eyebrow. He knew Janet still felt guilty about her part in sending Daniel to the psychiatric unit but the deep hatred in her voice spoke of something more.

“Right; but what do we do about Doctor Jackson?”

Janet thought carefully. Interrupting her thought process, the rest of SG1 tried to sneak relatively inconspicuously into the room. General Hammond nodded to Jack and motioned for Sam to sit down. Teal’c remained by the now open door, listening in case Daniel awakened.

“We could send him to rehab sir but I don’t think that will help.”

“I know Daniel, sir,” O’Neill said, “I know that won’t help. Being surrounded by strangers was never a good place for him. He needs to be with us.”

“Although that may be the case Colonel, I think that certain events that lead up to this may mean that SG1 should not be around during the anti-toxination process.”

“Continue Doctor,” the General prompted.

“Sir, as much as I am pained to say this, I think Daniel might think this is all your fault. Teal’c for Sha’re’s death in particular….”

“I did that in order to save Daniel Jackson’s life.”

“He knows that Teal’c, but if the pressure got to him too much, he could pretend that that wasn’t the case. He may blame the others for allowing him to visit Sha’re, or even for allowing him to get himself into his current psychological state.”

“Janet, if I know Daniel, which I do, then he won’t be blaming us, he’ll be blaming himself.”

A painful groan sounded from outside the door Teal’c guarded. Janet reacted first. Her sense of duty meant that the patient came first, before even orders. Teal’c stepped aside to allow her to pass before striding out the door himself. Surprisingly Sam didn’t move. Neither did Jack. Neither of the wanted to see him like that again, if the agony was still there, reflected in his eyes, if he remained motionless, if he looked at them with fear rather than friendship. They didn’t want to see anyone like that.

“Easy, Daniel, easy.” The soft voice of Janet tried to reassure him. “I guess you’re feeling pretty bad right now, but you’ll get over it. Now just lie still and rest.”

Daniel shifted his head slightly, just enough to let her know she’d been understood. Well, she had definitely been understood. ‘Just lie still and rest’ she’d said. ‘Just do that whilst we experiment upon you and the dead body of Sha’re.’ Head spinning, vision blurred, he slowly sat up, severing the lines of medication flowing into him. Standing up apprehensively, he found he could just support his own weight. Bewildered, he tried to remember the way back to his office, now which way was it? Turning, he saw Teal’c, First Prime of Kronos, approach him, and he backed off, shaking with fear at the sight of his friend.

Jack and Sam shared sympathetic glances across the grey military room. They couldn’t abandon Danny now, they just couldn’t. He needed them. Jack was the first to rise to his feet, pacing softly about the room until he stood behind her chair. Leaning over, he whispered in her ear

“Ready?”

He took her awkward turn as a yes, and led the way into the bright light of the infirmary.

“I thought Dr. Frasier told you to rest Daniel Jackson.”

“I don’t have to do what she says. It would just make it easier for her and for you.”

“I do not understand the meaning of your words,”

“Now don’t play dumb with me. Kronos wouldn’t have sent just anybody, Shol’va. And the Asgard can’t be trusted to help me. They want me to die too.”

“Neither Kronos or the Asgard are here. I believe you must be suffering from a reaction to the chemical substances you have taken into your body.”

“The only thing wrong with me is what you did. With the help of Dr. Janet Asgard Fra….”

His voiced trailed off and any colour left in his face when Jack entered the room.

“Stay away from me Hathor!”

Jack and Sam exchanged looks. “Daniel, you have to listen to me. This is Sam, she is not Hathor. She is your friend.”

Sam stepped forward to take his hand. “It’s alright.”

“Don’t touch me Jolinar!” he spat. “And as for you, you can’t fool me, you’ll never be able to fool me again!” he argued with Jack.

Daniel took advantage of the stunned silence to make a break through the now unguarded door. Jack leapt forward to intercept him, but was pulled back by the joint efforts of Sam and Teal’c. He realised he’d been stupid to give Daniel a reason to hate them even more, but he’d also realised where Daniel must have kept the drugs.

Daniel ran down the corridors, twitching nervously and breathing heavily. He hadn't got much further when the base alarm sounded.

“They’re after me!”

Daniel shrieked. Need relief, need relief. He dived into his office, slamming the door behind him and shoving the key into the lock. He turned it quickly then sank to the floor. He sat there for several minutes before he heard the voices.

“I can’t bear it, sir. Not again, it hurts too much…”

“I know, Carter. Life is just one big rollercoaster.”

Rollercoaster? Going on and on forever until someone cuts the power. He had to get off this damn rollercoaster. So he just had to cut the power! With this new realisation flooding his mind, Daniel staggered to his feet. He smashed his vase and a small white packet fell out. Oral drugs were the worst, they could fry your brain. Daniel smiled at his own knowledge. He tipped the packet’s contents into his hand. Pretty white powder, all ready to cut the power. He could hear Jack banging on the door now, shouting to be heard. Daniel called back.

“Soon be over, Jack. I won’t hurt you anymore.”

Jack stopped at his words. Soon be over? Dread filled him and Sam started yelling.

“No, Daniel; don’t!”

They both pushed together. Daniel leaned back his head and clapped his hand to his mouth. A cloud of white rose around him as he fell to the floor, absorbed in its ecstasy. Jack and Sam finally bashed down the door.

“Oh God, no.”

Sam shook as she sank to her knees. Daniel’s eyes rolled back into his head. Jack cursed and stamped his foot.

“Damn you, Daniel! Why leave us now?”

Reacting first, Sam hit the emergency alarm button sending out waves of confusion throughout the base. Not everyone understood what was happening, but Janet guessed. The journey from the infirmary to Daniel's office was relatively short (perhaps someone had planned it that way) but her breath ragged in her ears, Janet thought it lasted forever. She had almost reached it when Sam burst out of the broken doorframe, Jack following behind with Daniel swung over his shoulders. Seeing the fear in their eyes, Janet offered what she hoped were some encouraging words.

"We need to get him to the infirmary. NOW!"

Janet walked briskly out of the infirmary, strongly shutting the doors behind her. Sam and Jack immediately leapt to their feet, Teal'c was already standing. The doctor's eyes were red and the little make-up she had been wearing was smudged and blurred.

“Overdose. We pumped his stomach but we have no idea what he ingested. We’ve got SG7’s bio-chemist working on the analysis now. He’s out cold, but in no immediate danger.”

Sam thumped the wall hard, and little bits of plaster fell from the ceiling. Jack slowly walked towards her but she lashed out, hitting him full across the face.

“This is all my damn fault! My damn fault…”

Sam started to shake, tears streaming down he face. She fell to her knees, sobbing into her hands. Jack knelt down beside her and laid his hand on her back. She leaned against him, crying uncontrollably.

“Oh God, it’s my fault…”

“No it isn’t, Sam. It’s no one’s fault, you’re not to blame…”

Half-asleep, half-euphoric, Daniel listened to the corridor ‘conversation’. What the hell had he done? He was hurting them, his best friends and Sam was crying. Beautiful, fragile Sam, the side of her no one saw but him as he comforted during long winter’s nights; after Jolinar, after Selmak, he helped the pain. And he knew now why she was hurting. He had done it, him, Daniel. He had made Sam cry. Not only once, but twice, maybe three, four times. He had gone and got himself shot, killed, hurt, so many damned times and it hurt her. He had to get out of there, away from Sam. While Janet was outside, he forced himself out of his unconscious shell and into the waking world. He sat up, yanked out his IV and headed for the other door quickly, he looked from left to right before flinging open the surface access hatch and crawling into the damp, dark hole.

Janet swung open the doors and screamed.

“He’s gone!”

SG1 burst throught he doors behind her, almost knocking her over. Sam blinked back more tears and wiped her eyes. Jack looked scared to death and Teal’c had worry glinting in his dark, expressive eyes. They headed for the door. Sam stopped in front of the access hatch, which was swinging wide open. She ran along the corridor and everyone followed her.

Daniel hauled himself out of the gaping hole. His blood-stained jeans and shirt were now covered in dust and slime, not pleasant. But Daniel didn’t care, he had got himself away from Sam. So, where from here? He had to go far away because knowing Sam she would search for him. Obviously, she didn’t know what was good for her. Quick, easy way to leave: available now. Daniel considered and instantly knew the answer. No one would miss him, he was sure of it. There he would be well away from Sam, well away from everyone. He looked around quickly and spotted the very place. He walked over slowly, limping slightly and clutching his bandaged arm to his chest. He stopped a few inches away. The cliff looked so inviting, so easy to just step off. But something was holding him back.

“Daniel, no!”

What the hell was he playing at?! Sam had known things were bad, but surely she couldn't let it end like this. She couldn't lose Daniel. Not again. Behind her she could hear Janet, the Colonel and Teal'c, they would be too late. It was up to her. Sam stepped closer to Daniel, offering her outstretched hand as support. Tears were streaming from her eyes now, the wind steaking them across her face, but she knew Daniel wouldn't mind. As long as she was there with him, everything would be alright.

Why the hell did she have to follow me? I'm hurting her even now, I might as well just go! Daniel mind was filled with his own personal torment. It had seemed so obvious, so right, to just leave everyone, everything, but there was one thing he couldn't bare to leave without Sam. Since Sha're, he had unwillingly let himself get closer to his team-mate, the support she offered bringing hope again to his wretched life. And then he found another option. It was only a tiny amount at first, just a way to forget for a few hours, a way to feel better. For all his intelligence, Daniel couldn't resist trying it for the first time. After that it was necessary, vital. Daniel winced at the picture of his helpless, withdrawn self that had greeted Sam one morning. That was enough to stir himself again, he couldn't face the rehab, he couldn't face the withdrawal, he couldn't face the truth and he definitely couldn't face Sam.

It had taken Jack a few seconds to realise what Sam was doing, and those few seconds were extremely important. Following Sam's trail, he and Janet were scrambling along as fast as they could, Teal'c striding along behind. Steering Janet in the right direction they quickened their pace as they realised where Daniel was headed. And then they stopped. Before them Daniel was standing on the cliff edge, preparing himself for his jump. It seemed his fear of heights was holding him back slightly. A few metres away, Sam was edging herself closer and closer to him. Heeding the warning signs, Janet and Jack remained out of sight, backing up a bit. They didn't want Daniel to feel threatened by too many people too soon. It was obvious he wasn't ready.

“Daniel?”

Sam, sweet Sam; love is so fickle, sweet Sam.

“I don’t want you to move, okay?”

Sam, sweet Sam; life is so short, sweet Sam.

“Don’t leave me, Daniel.”

Sam, sweet Sam; we are so fragile, sweet Sam.

Sam stepped slowly towards him, as he stood, quavering on the cliff edge. He raised a foot to step over and Sam had to fight to stop herself closing her eyes. She reached out her hand further, so it was mere inches away from his. She could see the fear in his eyes; a fear she couldn’t place but it was there all the same. Daniel lifted his foot higher and stepped down.

Jack had just ducked below the hilltop when she screamed. He ran back up the cliff, heart hammering in his chest. If the fool had jumped, …oh heaven help them all! Janet and Teal’c were right behind him but if he had fallen, if he was gone, would there be a point in running? Jack reached the top and sprinted for the site. There was a slight dip before the edge and Jack couldn’t see over. Ten metres …not much further. …eight metres… hang on…six metres …almost there now…. four metres… if you die, Daniel...two metres…oh let him be alive!

She saw him step. Terror consumed her and she was filled with fear. Time seemed to slow down; every second, a minute; every minute, a day. Sam dived for the edge, skidding to a halt. She fell forward, catching her foot on a tree root. Her hands shot out and she grabbed Daniel’s disappearing arm, holding it for all she was worth. There was a muffled cry but she held on tight, unwilling, even forbidding, to let him die on her.

She could hear voices approaching as she looked over the edge at Daniel, who was dangling from her hands. But there was no alarm on his face. A mild acceptance of his fate, even a willingness to die, ending his tormented life, his addiction. How easy it would be to simply let go and give her best friend his wish. Sam was a strong woman, but when the life of her friend hung in the balance it wasn’t a simple matter, a pure right and wrong. Would it be so cruel to just let him fall and end the pain? Would it be right to allow him to live a tortured life?

The pain she felt after realising what she had just considered was worse than any physical blow. If Daniel wanted to end it, then she wasn't exactly saying 'go ahead' but it had at least had to be his decision. No one else could make it for him. No one else had the right to end his life. Pulling him up was the right decision. So Sam kept telling herself. There was another reason, this time selfish, but as yet worthwhile. She'd never noticed before, she'd had tiny hints, flutters and fantasies, but nothing more. However now she knew. She loved him. She couldn't let him die.

Jack surveyed with the horror the scene before him. In other circumstances it might even look funny, like in the movies where everyone lives happily ever after. But this was real. He could see Sam's grip shifting slightly. She couldn't hold on much longer.

"Teal'c! Get over here now!"

Fortunately, the Jaffa didn't question orders and Teal'c rushed over, offering his strength to Sam's and together they heaved Daniel clear of the cliff face. Struggling against the Colonel's orders for her to lie still, Sam sat up. The strain her body had suffered had made the motion painful, but she managed it all the same. Looking over at Daniel she saw him sitting curled up, shivering; he couldn't bear to look any of them in the eye. Janet came rushing over and told Jack to give Daniel his coat. He did so, hoping this meant everything was going to be alright.

The journey back to base seemed long and hard. They travelled in silence, Janet looking after Daniel with Sam hovering anxiously behind him. Jack and Teal'c had gone on ahead to tell the people at the SGC that everyone was OK. They were not going to mention the suicide attempt, not yet. Suddenly Janet's pager went off. Smiling apologetically she retrieved it from her pocket. Reading the message she stifled a giggle.

"It's nothing."

They then struggled on back, hoping to get there before it got dark.

“Here you go.”

Sam sat down beside Daniel on the sofa and handed him his coffee. He smiled gratefully and wrapped his fingers tightly around the mug, savouring the warmth. His headache was dying off now but he was glad of one thing: he wasn’t getting withdrawal. Janet couldn’t explain it but Daniel wasn’t experiencing any side-effects, symptoms or distress of any kind. It was extremely odd.

Daniel flinched slightly as Sam’s arm touched his. He set down his cup and turned to meet her worried frown.

“Are you alright?”

Daniel tried to smile, he tried to speak, he tried to reassure her; all that came were tears. Sam pulled him to her, rubbing at her own eyes in the face of his sorrow. Daniel wept into her shoulder, letting all the pent-up anger and heartache flow into her shirt. Sam just held him as he poured out all his troubles, some silent, some not.

“She’s gone Sam, oh she’s gone. How can I live without her? And he raped her, Sam. And I wasn’t there, to help her. I let Teal’c kill what was left of her, and I didn’t even blink. I didn’t even cry, because I was a bad husband, such a bad husband…”

Daniel trailed off, still crying as Sam laid her hand on his cheek, wiping the tears away, making it better. After a while, Sam began to speak, her clear voice penetrating the fog of Daniel’s mind.

“You weren’t a bad husband, Daniel. You were a damn fine husband. You couldn’t stop it; no one could’ve stopped it. You didn’t abandon Sha’re but it may have seemed that way. You did the best job you could and you did pretty well. A damned Goa’uld came along, Daniel, and wrecked your marriage, but Teal’c killed her, Daniel. Sha’re knew, Daniel. She sent you a message because she knew. She had absolute faith that you would search for the Harseisus even if her Goa’uld was dead. She knew you well Daniel, just as I know you.”

Sam’s voice had fallen to a whisper. Daniel sat up slowly, removing the last trickle of tears from his eyes. Sam smiled slowly as he reclaimed his coffee cup and took a large gulp. She could almost see the liquid doing its job, waking Daniel to the truth as effectively as the dawn chorus. He leaned against the sofa and sighed. Sam also leaned back, contemplating the last few days. She supposed it hurt because she had almost lost her best friend. But that had happened before. Today, it was different though. Today, she had almost lost her love. If he had died, not knowing how she felt…the guilt would settle into self-loathing and she would end up on the path Daniel had narrowly avoided. But who would save her? Who would care so much that their lives revolved around her, that they noticed every thing she said or did, like she was with Daniel? Did he even know how she felt?

Sam decided that contemplation was indeed a waste of time. Carpe diem, Carter. It’s a moral for life. Who had said that? Of course: the Colonel. Just his kind of quote, the one that saves her from a guilt-trip. Well, carpe diem it was then…

Sam turned slowly to Daniel to find him staring at her, his deep blue eyes searching hers for…what? He closed his eyes trustingly and she knew he had found it. She leaned closer to him and pressed her lips to his. It wasn’t passionate, it was comforting. Sam and Daniel were soul mates, revelling in a love born out of insecurities and grief. They deserved it; it was their reward for keeping each other alive.

Sam strode down the corridor oblivious to the cautious looks she was getting from everyone. Janet met her in the hallway, grinning broadly.

“How was it?”

“He’s getting over it. There have been no withdrawal signs, so let’s hope it all works out.”

“And?”

Sam eyed Janet suspiciously. Where was this leading?

“Why?”

Janet smiled evilly and dived back into the infirmary. Sam followed her and caught sight of her pager lying on the table. A thought struck her and she turned to Janet quickly, catching her off-guard.

“What was the message you got? On your pager?”

Janet looked at her guiltily and then smiled.

“Do you really want to know?”

Sam nodded and Janet wrung her hands nervously.

“It was from the Colonel. He.. …well, they.. …SG2 and that.. …they...…”

“Spit it out, Janet!”

Janet picked up the pager and handed it to Sam.

“Read it yourself.”

Sam flipped it on and began to search. The message came up and her eyes widened. It read:

HAVE THEY KISSED YET?

Jack had taken his turn for sitting by Daniel. The 'patient' was lying on the sofa comfortably, Jack in the nearby chair. They had talked for about ten minutes when Sam burst in through the door. Her face was slightly flushed and she did not look pleased.

"What the hell does this mean?!"

She thrust the pager into Jack's hand. Daniel struggled to sit up to see what all the fuss was about. He managed it, looked at the message and then collapsed back down again.

Jack merely shrugged, "It's true isn't it?"

Sam shook her head and looked impassive, but a quick glance at Daniel made her blush and look away, exactly like he was doing.

"Daniel?" the Colonel asked.

Daniel was too busy staring at a very interesting spot on the far wall.

"Carter?"

"I don't think it's any of your business."

Jack slowly stood up and moved towards the door. "OK. Then I'll go, leave you two lovebirds alone. Bye Space Monkey!"

"Jack, don't call me that....." Daniel started to protest, but Jack had aleady gone.

Sam leant over and stroked back Daniel's hair. He grabbed her hand and held it, just for a moment. That one gesture removed all their awkwardness and Daniel shifted so that Sam could sit on the sofa. They sat there, hand in hand, contemplating their love until they finally decided it was time for them to get what they deserved.

The End