AUTHOR: Demon Faith
EMAIL: rosabeth@hotmail.com
SPOILERS: Spoilers for Meridian, Divide and Conquer and Jolinar’s Memories. Vague references to early episodes and Sam’s past.
RATING: PG-13
WARNINGS: Character death, possible tissues and extreme angst
FEEDBACK: Live on it
DISCLAIMER: Stargate belongs to MGM/Sci Fi, the song basis belongs to The Corrs
I learnt this songfic writing technique from Jeanine, I’d never thought of doing it this way before her: if you’re into The West Wing, check out Back when we were beautiful, cos it is a beautiful story that had me sobbing!
I can’t, I just can’t.
It seems silly and irresponsible, but I can’t do it. I can’t walk into work again, and pretend that everything is fine, when it isn’t. It never will be.
So, here I am. Sitting, simply sitting, in my favourite chair. Well, it isn’t my favourite chair at all. I hated this chair – it was an old, ragged chair that had been handed down from my grandmother, and that I was obligated to keep. But, Daniel loved the old thing. He would always sit in this chair, saying it reminded him of his parents.
So, Daniel changed that. He changed a lot of things. He moved all my pictures around, put up a shelf (even though it slopes) and talked me into buying a Jacuzzi. It arrived yesterday, all ready to be assembled by willing hands. But there are no willing hands, are there?
I find myself staring off into space, picturing things. It’s more than a little stupid, and, as a military brat (Daniel’s eloquent words, not mine), I have this nagging feeling that I should be industrious and doing something.
But I just can’t.
My whole life seems to drift in mono – dreary black and grey days, where everything that happens was supposed to happen and wasn’t really important anyway. Daniel used to make things happen, he made my life exciting and beautiful just by being part of it. But, not now. Not ever. So, black and grey, forever and always. I should get used to it, I guess.
I was so angry with him. Can you believe that? I was angry with Daniel because he died. Put like that, it really does sounds stupid. But, he isn’t really dead, is he? He ascended to a higher plane of existence, over us mere mortals…am I jealous then? Is that what this feeling it – jealousy? Wanting to be up there, seeing things I could never have dreamed of? Maybe it’s the scientist playing in my, wanting to experience the ‘higher levels’. Or, maybe it’s because he’s up there. Is that why I want to chase stars, so I can chase them with Daniel?
Perhaps it’s because I couldn’t save him. I tried to save his life, and I only caused him pain. Is this inadequacy and guilt? Are these the emotions I’m feeling? This is becoming ridiculous – I should know my heart, I’m a grown woman. Or, maybe I should stop this game. I know what I’m feeling. I should just admit it, shouldn’t I?
But I just can’t.
So, I felt anger. I knew that. Why was I was angry, well, I wasn’t quite so sure. I am now, I know why. He had a choice. He could’ve stayed. He could’ve been with me forever; we could’ve been together in our own little world. I suppose, we could’ve had a planet, if we wanted one.
This is getting stupid now, I know that, but it seems too hard to just move on. So, I just move to our bedroom
It smells of Daniel. The air is heavy with his musky scent, and I’m breathing it in, wishing he were here now. Perhaps he is, perhaps he’s drifting around the ceiling thinking to himself ‘Poor delusional, Sam, when’s she gonna wake up and move on?’
Well, I’m not.
Because I can’t.
I move over to the bed, slowly and thoughtfully, probably swaying a little from that bottle of vodka I just drank, and I lie down. And, then I’m crying. Dissolving into hysterical sobs, clutching at the ragged teddy bear lying beside me. This bear has seen more tears than even I can remember – he was there through Mom, and then Martouf. And now Daniel.
The bear will stay with me forever and forever – he will hear my drunken rants, he will listen to my secrets and keep them and he would never die, ascend and leave me to cry over him.
Like I am now, lying broken on this freezing bed, usually warmed with our passions, yet now stone cold. And I whisper his name – ‘Daniel’ – like a dying woman. And I realise that I’ve forgiven him, for leaving me, but I can never, ever forget.
When my tears have dried a little, I think about where I am. I was brought up as a good Catholic girl, but I didn’t stay good for long. When Mom died, I was bad. And I showed it. Soon, my innocence had crept away into the darkness, and I was left feeling alone and confused. So, I joined the military. Of course, that’s the way to fight loneliness and confusion – point a gun and shoot! I dropped out after a while, grabbed a degree and recovered a little, before drifting back to the air force. It seems I couldn’t live without the uniformity of life.
And then I worked at the Pentagon, a little with NASA and then I stumbled on the Stargate Program. Suddenly, I’m caught up in a rush of aliens and bad guys and soon I’m running with the crowd. And he was there. Damn him – my blue-eyed wonder boy.
Oh, I tried to put it off, pretend these were shallow, misguided feelings, like I’d always thought my feelings were. But, with Daniel I couldn’t pretend. I couldn’t keep myself from falling for him hook, line and sinker. Oh my, I’m so drunk that I’m going into clichés!
It’s amazing how clearly people think when they’re drunk. This is the clearest thinking I’ve done for a long time. Sitting here, remembering. I remember, how we used to lie here, sated yet insatiable. Nothing could stop the magnetism between us. And now it’s all gone. And I want to forget him, and move on.
But I can’t.
I want him. Maybe this is just a physical reaction, an addiction perhaps. Yes, I was addicted to Daniel and now I’m suffering withdrawal. No, I can’t think of our love – or, maybe, only my love – that way. You only get addicted to bad things – sarcophagi, cigarettes, alcohol…
That’s an interesting point. Maybe I could become an alcoholic. I think it must take some practice – well, I can certainly drink ‘til I die. Not a bad idea at all. Another addiction to fill in for my last.
I can picture him standing beside me, shaking his head sadly, telling me what a mess I am. A few days ago, I would’ve thrown my bottle at him and ranted and screamed, telling him that it was all his fault, that he never should’ve left me this way. But now, lost in the blissful numbness of inebriety, I can look past all the pain he put me through. All the pain I can still feel. But I’ve forgiven him. But to forget him?
I just can’t
~FIVE YEARS LATER~
I sit alone. Still alone.
Just sitting here, looking out on the desert. This was Daniel’s favourite place – Abydos was the place he could truly call home. His home should’ve been with me.
Now, it’s been five years. Five years to the day, the day he left me broken and alone. I haven’t seen him since. I wish I could, just to tell him that he can come back, that he’s forgiven, but never forgotten.
I went back eventually. Struggled through every day, trying to find the wonders in little things that I always used to. But everything seemed dull without him.
Now, it is time. I have nothing left, nothing at all. My friends have all drifted apart – Teal’c spends more time on Chulak than with us, Jack is always fishing in Minnesota and Cassie has grown up, and doesn’t really want to know her depressive Aunt Sam. Janet’s still there, but she can’t lift me out, place me somewhere better than this hell I’ve lived for five years.
So, I’m leaving. Not in the conventional sense – I’ve never been conventional – just the way he left, five long years ago. I want to be with him, I have to be with him.
Carefully, I now take this knife, beautiful and strong. I drag it swiftly across my neck, and fall, fall, forever. Now, I can search, with a free, unrestrained spirit. And as my last breath leaves my lips, I see a light spiralling towards me. A smile forms on my lips, and I whisper:
‘You’re forgiven, Daniel, but I never forgot you’
All alone, staring on,
watching her life go by,
When her days are grey and her nights are black,
Different shades of mundane
And the one eyed furry
toy that lies upon the bed
Has often heard her cry
And heard her whisper out a name long forgiven, but not forgotten,
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're not forgotten
A bleeding heart torn apart, left on an icy bed,
In the room where they once lay, face to face,
Nothing could get in their way
But now the memories of
the man are haunting her days
And the craving never
fades,
She's still dreaming of a man long forgiven, but not forgotten,
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're not forgotten
Still alone, staring on, wishing her life goodbye
As she goes searching for the man long forgiven, but not forgotten,
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're forgiven not forgotten
You're not forgotten
You're not forgotten
No, You're not forgotten