AUTHOR: Demon Faith
EMAIL: rosabeth@hotmail.com
SPOILERS: Reasonably vague spoilers for Meridian
RATING: PG-13
WARNINGS: Implications
FEEDBACK: Live on it
DISCLAIMER: Stargate belongs to MGM/Sci Fi, the song basis belongs to The Corrs
AUTHOR’S NOTES: Maths coursework = listening to music = songs inspiring fic = fic written to escape coursework (all of which is no relation to delta y over delta x, unfortunately)
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She wandered down the street, not really looking where she was walking, pushing aside anyone who brushed her shoulders, ignoring the shouts of protest. The street lamps’ dull light played on her skin, and dusky eyes that held nothing but emptiness. Oblivious to the rain falling around her like a sheet, and the lightening tearing the sky apart, she stopped suddenly, and looked up.
Pushing her blonde fringe out of her eyes, she watched them. They stood, ignoring everyone around them, butterfly kisses from him to her, her laughter echoing around the dark, empty street. She allowed herself to smile for a moment, her senses awakening to the storm around her, pushing aside for precious seconds the storm within.
She came up to her house, trying to ignore the painful memories that she knew lay inside. She opened the door, slowly, and locked it behind her, before moving into the shadowed kitchen. She put down her bag, and pulled out her re-discovered cigarettes, lighting up and taking a long drag. She indulged in the brief warmth inside, but it was soon cold again. It would always be cold.
She moved mechanically towards the wine rack, and pulled out a bottle. She unscrewed the cork, pulling it out with an effort she did not feel her muscles possessed. For, how could they? Now that they had nothing to work for, no goal to pursue. She poured a glass of red dancing liquid, blood of the vine, blood of her soul.
She moved to the table, sitting stiffly, drinking slowly, aware of nothing but the burning liquid trickling slowly down her throat. She put the glass down, looking at it, fragile and temporary. The wine swirled mysteriously, for a minute reminding the observer of an event horizon. Although, this was bloodstained, claiming another victim, just one more who had dared step into its icy depths.
She studied the glass again, tapping it gently, and watching the ripples echo through the wine. She picked up the bottle again, refilling the glass until the wine flowed over the sides. It pooled around the glass, giving only a murky, blood-tinted view of the table beneath. Slowly, the red liquid dripped onto the table, as her own tears fell in unison, making the pool into an ocean of red, swirling event horizons.
She pulled her head up, rubbing at the tears fiercely. She would not cry – he would not want her to cry. She thought of everything and nothing, her mind searching for some distraction, some mindless thoughts to keep her mind from falling back into the memories and the past.
But, no, she couldn’t, and he flooded her mind, making her aching body shake with sobs and she hugged herself, wishing the memories would stop but knew they wouldn’t whilst she still craved everything that she had lost. And her memories were now all that he was, is, could be – and her grief just entangled him further into her consciousness, until her dreams were full of him and nothing more.
She could bear the silence no longer, and she stood, reaching for a distraction, anything to push the pain away. Her hand settled on the radio. She looked at it carefully, before hesitantly switching it on. It started playing a classical piece she didn’t recognise, and she realised that he must’ve changed it. So, she listened, drowning in it, before a voice brought her dreams to a halt and another piece began to play. She knew this one, the piece he had played one evening, and he had asked her to dance with him. She had blushed, unsure of these new experiences, but willing to try, because it would make him happy. So, they had danced, slow unsteady steps, her trusting him so completely that even her wildest error seemed perfect. She had been gliding on a cloud with her man, resting contentedly in his arms whilst music filled the air with emotion.
She shook her herself out of reverie, and quickly switched the radio off. Grabbing her glass of wine viciously, she poured it down her throat, after spilling half the contents on the floor. It tasted sour, lacking in something, and she picked up the bottle and cried out in anguish. It was his favourite wine, the one he had been saving. Frustrated and angry with herself, she threw the bottle and glass, before fleeing towards her bedroom. Their bedroom. Undressing wildly, she slipped inside the bed, unconsciously inhaling his scent from the covers, before crying herself to sleep.
~
She shifted under the heavy covers, feeling the cold sunlight play on her face. Still half-caught in dreams, she turned and reached for him, wanting to drag him to her, fall into his arms for precious moments before they had to leave. But, there was nothing.
Her eyes flew open, and she realised that her bed was cold and empty. He was not there, and he would never be there. She laid her hands where he used to lie, trying to feel his presence in these cold earthly coverings, but she couldn’t find a trace.
She pulled herself wearily out of bed, trying to dress and be ready, the model soldier she had always been. Emotional detachment – from memories, from her deepest feelings, from him. No, never, she could not accept that he was lost to her, that these feelings could not grow, be anything more than what they were. They would fade; fade away until they were no more than a ghost of a memory, a faint hint that she once knew someone who had loved her.
She wondered for a while, trying to dress methodically, with order and certainty. No, she could not, not whilst sweet thoughts played on her mind, taunting her with chill reality – he was not there. Yet, he had seemed there, she had felt his presence beside her, secure for wild moments in the knowledge that he was beside her and would never leave her.
But, he had left her, left her in a rush of white energies, and gone far, far away. Lost to her, perhaps forever, and she could not bring him back. So, her bed would always be cold, at least whilst she still clung to the fragments of beautiful memories. Because that’s what he was now – her mind playing tricks on her, fooling her into thinking he was with her.
She loved him with her heart and soul, beyond anything she had ever experienced, beyond anything she had ever known. And he had returned her affections, making her feel as if nothing could stop them. But it had, too soon, too quickly it was over. The truth gnawed at her soul, tormenting her with the simple fact that he was gone. The thought that he would never return froze her heart and made her feel like she was drowning in an unreal sense of pain. How could he be gone? He had defeated the odds before, come back to her and let her hold him tightly, and promise never to let him go. But she had, and he had flown.
Determined to break free of these oppressive thoughts, she reached blindly for her solace. Music began to play instantly, soothing her soul almost instantly. Was this all that could save her? Would this be enough to pull her out? She wandered back to the bed, sitting on the edge, gently touching at the place where he had been. Yet, still nothing. The music flowed around her, seeming to hold her in its melodic web, but it couldn’t hold her like he could. Nothing, or no one, could do that.
The announcer’s voice cut in, jolting her out of her dream-like wonderings. A new song started, this time dragging her back to a cold winter day where Cheyenne Mountain had turned into a deep freeze. She had walked into Daniel’s office, closed the door and looked at him in such a way that he could not mistake her intention. She knew how to warm up the Mountain, and damn regulations. But he stopped her, absently flicking on the CD player as he did. She had ranted and raged, angry at what she perceived as rejection. The music played on, the same song that she was listening to, as they had their argument, voices rising in crescendo until they ended up following her plan after all.
The music played on repeat, it’s beautiful charms trapping them forever in that moment. She fell back to it now, losing herself in the music again, the song played to an end and she threw the radio to the floor. There was pure silence, as the melody played on in her mind. A small comfort in her new, hardened reality.
She knew she must go to work, face it all again, and she shut the door sharply, the song gliding through her mind.
~
She walked through the corridors, thinking only of him. She passed her CO in the corridor, paying no attention. She was lost in her memory, in the music of her memory.
“Carter?”
His voice was brittle, breaking her reverie with the realisation that he was still strained, still angry, still hurting.
“Sir?”
She managed that one word, devoid of emotion, devoid of him.
“Are you alright, Carter?”
She smiled easily, nodded slowly, and proclaimed.
“Yes, sir.”
She turned, and walked away, shutting out the symphony of tangled thoughts, and returning to her minuet with memory.
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Radio – by The Corrs
It's late at night and I'm feeling down
There's a couple standing on the street
Sharing summer kisses and silly sighs
So I step inside
Pour a glass of wine
With a full glass and an empty heart
I search for something to occupy my mind
But you are in my head
Swimming forever in my head
Tangled in my dreams
Swimming forever
So I listen to the radio and all the songs we used
to know
So I listen to the radio, remember where we used to go
Now it's morning light and it's cold outside
Caught up in a distant dream
I turn and think that you are by my side
So I leave my bed and I try to dress
Wondering why my mind plays tricks
And fools me into thinking you are there
But you're just in my head
Swimming forever in my head
Not lying in my bed
Just swimming forever
So I listen to the radio and all the songs we used
to know
So I listen to the radio, remember where we used to go
I listen to the radio and all the songs we used to know
I listen to the radio, remember how we used to go
You are in my head
Swimming forever in my head
Tangled in my dreams
Swimming forever
Swimming forever
So I listen to the radio and all the songs we used
to know
So I listen to the radio, remember where we used to go
I listen to the radio and all the songs we used to know
I listen to the radio 'cause all the songs, all the songs we used to know
All the songs we used to know
Yeah...