THE SGC NATIVITY
By Demon
Faith
Category:
Sam/Daniel, Jonas/Teal’c, Humour (hopefully)
Spoilers: Into
Season 6.
Notes: MERRY
CHRISTMAS!!!
“No, absolutely
not!”
“Aww…c’mon sir!
It’s Christmas! It’s traditional!”
“We’ve never
done it before!”
“There’s a
first time for everything, Colonel.”
“Jonas…”
“Jonas has a
point, O’Neill.”
“Why do you
always agree with him?”
“Sir, you don’t
want to be asking that.”
“O-k…if we’re
doing this…thing, we’re gonna do it *my* way! I’m Joseph, Carter’s Mary and
Janet’s the bikini-wearing angel!”
“That’s the
most chauvinistic, over-bearing, patriarchal attitude I’ve encountered since I
wore that damned blue-never-mention-it-ever-again dress! Why should I be Mary?
Why must Janet be the angel? Gabriel was MALE – hello?!? I don’t want to be
*the woman*. I’m sick of all this gender crap! Why can’t…oh, I don’t
know…TEAL’C be Mary?!?”
*A few minutes
later*
“I find this
blue shawl most attractive.”
“Yeah, Teal’c,
it suits you. Blue is definitely your colour.”
“Why, sir,
you’re not wearing your costume.”
“If Teal’c is
Mary, I am *not* Joseph. I would rather be…the sheep!”
“Well, Colonel,
that’s fine. I’m the shepherd, and if you go back on your word, I will court
martial you for insubordination.”
“General, how
nice of you to join this INSANITY!”
“Colonel, calm
down. Sheep are passive, and as one of the wise women, I would shove this gold
so far up your…”
“Ok, Janet, I
think he got it.”
“Major Carter,
who will my betrothed husband?”
*After a few
minutes…*
“Hey Teal’c,
this is really comfortable.”
“Indeed, Jonas.
I greatly admire your ass.”
“HIS WHAT?!?”
“He’s talking
about the donkey, sir…aren’t you?”
“…yes…of
course…To what else would I be referring?”
‘RIGHT, let’s
get this nativity on the road! Ok, we’ve got Mary and Joseph, a shepherd and
sheep…”
“I cannot
believe this…”
“Court
martial…”
“Yes, General.”
“Ah-hmm. Three
wise women…”
“Uh…Sam? I only
see two.”
“Jennifer
Haley’s on her way over…here she is now!”
“Hey! This is
great. Why haven’t we done this before?”
“Because it’s a
really dumbass…”
“Insubordination…”
“Yes, General.”
“Good sheep.”
“Whoever is
giggling can stop it RIGHT NOW!”
“I apologise,
O’Neill.”
“As I was
saying…and then we have the angel…oh.”
“No angel?”
“No angel.”
*Stunned
silence as the Gate activates and there emerges a floaty light being.*
“Hi, I’m not
late, am I?”
“DANIEL!”
*pause of
several seconds*
“O’Neill, it
appears that Daniel Jackson’s and Major Carter’s faces have disappeared.”
“Yeah, kinda
noticed that.”
“You didn’t
tell me they were…”
“Oh they’re
not.”
“They’re not?”
“Well, that
appears to be changing…”
“Doc,
puh-lease! Less of the…y’know…”
“SAM! You’re
directing a nativity, not depriving the angel of oxygen!”
“Oops…sorry.”
“Not that I’d
mind giving the kiss of life…”
“HANDS OFF!!”
“Ok, wise
women, break it up!”
“I think I’d
prefer to be the camel…”
“NO!!”
“Daniel, you
have to be the angel. There’s nobody else.”
“Oh, ok. But,
y’know, later…”
“Oh, of
course…”
“CONCENTRATE!!”
“Right…now all
we need is a narrator.”
<Ah-hmm.
That would be me. Right…The Emperor Augustus issued a census, and decreed that
all Israelites should return to the towns of the birth to pay their taxes.>
“Um…Ms
Narrator…your grammar…”
<Stuff it,
Floaty Light Boy. I’m running this show! Anyways, Joseph was from Bethlehem, so
they set off on the long journey.>
“Are we going
to take the Stargate? Where’s Beth-l-hem?”
“Aww, how
adorable!”
“I believe the
phrase is ‘HANDS OFF’, Major Carter.”
“Riiiight…so…can
we get on with this?”
“Uh…Jonas? Bethlehem
is in Israel. You will be travelling by donkey – which is why you have the
donkey. Please help Teal’c sit on the donkey and…circle the Gate Room a few
times.”
“I missed you.”
“Yeah, me too.”
*significant
pause*
“Oh please,
will someone separate them?”
“It’s
romantic!”
“You can stop
that, Doc! This is a NATIVITY, not Blind Date!”
“You watch
that, Colonel?”
“…no…”
“Sorry…distracted…”
“Yeah…”
<Right. They
got to Bethlehem. They tried the inns but they were all full up.>
“WAIT! We don’t
have innkeepers!”
*blinding flash
of light*
“The Asgard
would happily give you a room if we were not fighting a war with the
Replicators.”
“The Tok’ra
would also offer a room, except we’ve been almost wiped out and you wouldn’t
give us the hosts we asked for.”
“The Nox would
give you a room if you weren’t so very young.”
“Peachy. Real
peachy.”
*blinding flash
of light*
“I’m impressed.
Thank you, Ms Narrator.”
<Anytime.
However, the Tollan, despite owning no planet to speak of, managed to find a
comfortable debris field – also known as ‘The Stable’ – for the travellers to
stay in. And during the night, Mary had her child.>
“I am incapable
of such a delivery.”
“You’ve got
Junior?”
“That’ll do.”
“I must find
the appropriate stasis pod.”
“Manger, Janet,
*manger*”
“I cannot
believe this is happening…”
“Shamelessly
flirting with a team member – or several, if you look at subtext…”
“Ok, jeez!”
“That’s ‘Ok,
jeez *General*’.”
“Ok, jeez,
General.”
“Colonel, you
have to get into the spirit of Christmas! Maybe you should…”
“Jonas, trust
me. Don’t push it. He punched me into a table.”
“WHEN DID HE
PUNCH YOU INTO A TABLE?!?”
“The Broca
thing. It’s no big deal, Sam. But it’s nice that you care.”
“Aww Daniel…”
“AGAIN?!?”
“They missed
each other, sir.”
“Yeah, but
really, in front of the kids…”
“Why is he
pointing at me?”
“I am unsure,
Jonas. I believe you are very mature.”
“CAN WE GET ON
WITH THIS PLEASE?!?”
“Disobeying
direct orders, shouting at superior officers…”
“Ok, ok
*general*. I’m playing the game!”
<Right, when
you’ve quite finished…thank you. The Shepherds were visited by an Angel, who
told them the good news.>
*bright light
of transformation*
“He’s
beautiful!”
“Hey
*supposedly* wise woman, cut it out?”
“Supposedly?”
“Let’s kick his
ass!”
“Hey, leave the
donkey alone!”
“No, Jonas,
they are not referring to…”
“Hello? Angel
trying to deliver a line?”
“Oops. Sorry,
Daniel.”
“No problem,
Sam. I bring you good news. For in David’s town is born a Saviour. You will
find him lying in a manger.”
<The
Shepherd and Sheep went to the stable. The Shephers gave the Sheep to Mary. She
was very pleased.>
“I am indeed
fond of lamb chops.”
“Hey! There
will be no slaughter of the sheep!”
“Mint Sauce,
Jack?”
“Funny, Daniel.
I missed that archaeologist wit.”
“Are you
mocking my angel, sir?”
“Never, Carter.
Would I do that?”
“Yes.”
<Wise Women
from the East came travelling to visit the child. They were guided by a star,
and brought gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Myrhh for the baby. Mary was very pleased
with these gifts.>
“Uh…we couldn’t
get traditional gifts…”
“A platter of
weapons-grade Naquadah.”
“A vial of
Naquadriah.”
“A canopic jar,
complete with preserved False God.”
“Someone’s been
raiding Sam’s lab…”
“Mint Sauce,
Jack?”
“Still not funny,
Daniel.”
“Sir…”
“Alright,
alright! Can’t a sheep have a little fun?”
“No.”
<And there
concludes the SGC Nativity. I hope you enjoyed the show.>
“We can stop
now?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have to
go, Daniel?”
“’Fraid so,
Sam.”
“Noooooooooooo!!!”
“And the
kissing begins.”
“Get a room!!”
“Jonas, would
you like me to teach you the finer points of Middle Eastern geography?”
“Oh, puh-lease,
can’t you just say ‘Your place or mine?’ like normal people?”
“Sir, Jonas and
Teal’c aren’t exactly normal.”
“Fair point.”
“Daniel…stay a
bit longer…”
“Oh, I’m
definitely doing that!”
“Right, so,
Jonas and Teal’c have a date, Sam and Daniel have a date, and I’m stuck here
with a sheep costume! There is something seriously wrong with this picture.”
<Nah, that’s
life post-D&C. Sorry Jack.>
“It’s ok. //I’m
all alone. There’s no one here beside me…//”
*J’ai fini*