The SGC Nativity II
(Recast and Resplendent)
CATEGORY: Sam/Daniel, Jonas/Teal’c, JUL (various
recipients) Humour (hopefully)
SPOILERS:
Fallen/Homecoming
NOTES: I
enjoyed writing ‘The SGC Nativity’ last year, so thought I’d take a shot at a
sequel of sorts. MERRY CHRISTMAS!
“I do not feel
like celebrating Christmas.”
“Aww, c’mon
Teal’c! Get into the Christmas spirit!”
“Sir...? Are
you feeling alright?”
“Of course,
Carter! Christmas is the season of goodwill to all men – and women, of course
-, chestnuts roasting on an open fire--”
“Oh, I see
where this is going. You just don’t want to be the sheep!”
“Sheep...? What
are you guys talking about?”
“The Nativity,
Daniel? Last year?”
“He does not
remember, O’Neill.”
“Ah yes,
ascended, superior being, selective amnesiac...”
“I didn’t...do
anything stupid, did I?”
“Stupid? Oh no,
just flyin’ round the Gate room, making out with the wise--”
“COLONEL!”
“I did WHAT?!”
“Wait...he
doesn’t know?”
“That would
appear to be the case, O’Neill. You should pay greater attention to the deeper
emotional states of those around you.”
“Okay, where
the hell did that come from?”
“Oprah has
taught me many things.”
“Yes...well,
let’s get this Nativity started! And this year, I can be...”
“The sheep,
Colonel. I believe you excel yourself in the part.”
“Oh, General! I
don’t want to be the sheep!”
“With the
success of last year’s Nativity, I see no reason to change the cast at all.”
“I cannot play
Mary, General Hammond. I am without my Joseph.”
“And, um, I
can’t really...fly anymore. Wait...Mary?!”
“Daniel?”
“...”
“I believe
Doctor Jackson has fainted, Major Carter.”
“Is CPR really
necessary?”
“I don’t think
that’s the point, Colonel.”
“Hi! Did I miss
the Nativity?”
“No, Doc, we
were just casting now.”
“Mint Sauce,
Colonel?”
“*Still* not
funny!”
“Oooh – er,
thanks Sam.”
“You’re
welcome, Daniel.”
“Right, folks,
let’s get this thing started. Perhaps Major Carter and Doctor Jackson should
play Mary and Joseph this year.”
“You mean – I’m
deeply in love with Sam, but I think she’s been with someone else, and now I
have proof but I don’t really?”
“Hey, that
sounds an awful lot like...”
“JANET!”
“Sorry,
couldn’t help myself.”
“Does that mean
I’m God?”
“In your
dreams, Sir.”
“No, Jack, I
think the sheep is your perfect part. But we still haven’t cast the shepherds
and the wise men...”
“Or the angels,
General. We mustn’t forget the angels.”
“Indeed, Major
Carter. I know the perfect angel, but he is...worlds away.”
“Pass the
bucket.”
“Oh Colonel,
you have no romantic soul.”
“I’m sure I
could be persuaded, Doc.”
“In your
dreams, Colonel.”
“Why is
everyone saying that?”
“Perhaps you
are too internally focused and letting your innermost fantasies control your
outer expression.”
“Let me guess –
Oprah?”
“Jerry.”
<Are you
guys ready yet?>
“Ah, Ms
Narrator, perfect timing as always. We were just casting.”
<Jack’s
still the sheep, right?>
“HEY!”
“Indeed.”
<Then all is
as it should be.>
“Quite.”
“Hey, whose
side are you on here?”
“Hmm…an
omnipotent woman or…Jack?”
“Tough choice,
Daniel.”
“Okay, okay,
you two cut it out. I want regulation distances, and if either of you feels the
urge of…betrothal, *ignore it*. Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes sir.”
“Jack, you’re
an ass.”
“No, Daniel, he
is the sheep. Colonel Maybourne is the ass.”
“Hey Harry!
Long time no see!”
“One minute I’m
on an alien world, the next I’m in a donkey costume. What is going on?”
“I believe it
is called the ‘magic of Christmas’.”
<Uh…yes…anyways,
are we cast now?>
“We’re still
looking for wise women. Doctor Frasier’s here, but otherwise…”
*flash of
light*
“As Lya of the
Nox, I believe I am sufficiently wise.”
“And very
beautiful too.”
“I am sorry,
Colonel, but I do not become acquainted with sheep.”
“Teal’c, if
that’s you giggling…”
“Sorry, Jack,
but her face…”
“Harry, I’m
warning you…”
<WHEN YOU’RE
QUITE FINISHED!>
“Now that’s
voice projection.”
“I will be the
third wise woman. The outfit is…most appealing.”
“Not to mention
the silver eyeshadow.”
“That is also
an advantage.”
“Okay, folks, I
think we’re just about ready to begin.”
<My cue
then. This is the story of the birth of Jesus Christ. His mother Mary was
pledged to be married to Joseph, but she was pregnant by an Act of God – the
angel Gabriel reassured her of this duty and the role she was to play.>
“Wait – where’s
Gab…”
*flash of
light*
“She’s good at
that.”
“JONAS QUINN!”
*significant
pause*
“Y’see, this is
why I want to be the angel.”
“Sir…?”
“Eww – not like
*that*, Carter!”
“Just checking,
sir.”
“Jonas, can we
get on with this?”
“Ooh – sorry,
General! Forgot myself for a moment.”
“I can see
that, son. Carry on.”
“Wait – am I
attached to strings? I’m…rising off the floor! I don’t like heights! TEAL’C!”
“I would climb
the Stargate to rescue you, but this dress hinders me considerably.”
“Deliver the
line, Jonas. We’ll get you down later.”
“Do…do not…fear
– for you are still on the ground. I bring…good news, you will have a child. He
is the Son of God, and I’ll…have a word with Joseph, so he knows you haven’t
been…sleeping around or anything. Not that he would…but there are
rumours…Zatarcs and such…”
“How does he
know that?!”
“Know what,
Jack?”
“Nevermind,
Daniel.”
“Sam?”
“Uh…did I say
something wrong? And…can someone get me down now?”
“Can you not
release yourself and fly, Jonas? Your wings are large and spangly.”
“I think
they’re made of tinsel. I’m allergic to tinsel! ATTISHOO!”
“Sir, that rope
looks awfully fragile…”
“Indeed,
O’Neill, he could fall at any moment.”
“FALL? What do
you mean, fall?!”
“Do not panic
and twist yourself in that manner, Jonas. It will only loosen the chevrons…”
“LOOSEN THE
CHEVRONS?”
“O’Neill, you
must do something!”
“Why me?!”
“The rest of us
are wearing robes, Sir. It’s impractical.”
“And a sheep
costume isn’t?”
“Please
O’Neill, you must save him.”
“Aiesh…if I
must, I must. Hang on, Jonas, I’m climbing the Stargate.”
“Hey, that’s a
nice view from down here.”
“That costume
doesn’t cover much, does it?”
“I fear I may
have misjudged the sheep.”
“I don’t know
about that, Lya.”
“Do you think
Jack will be okay, Sam? He doesn’t look very…stable.”
“When’s he ever
been stable?”
“We have not
reached The Stable yet. We are not even in Bethlehem.”
“ARGH!”
“Colonel!”
“GET ME DOWN
FROM HERE!”
“Is he hanging
by his costume?”
“What’s left of
it…”
“MS NARRATOR!
Sort this out!”
<zzzzzzzz…what?!
Oh good grief!>
*flash of
light*
“Are you well,
Jonas?”
“I am now.”
“Hey! He lands
in Teal’c’s arms, and I hit the ramp!”
“Can we get on
with this, folks? I’m losing patience.”
<Yes, uh,
sorry about that. Right – Mary and Joseph, after speaking with Gabriel, went to
Bethlehem to pay their taxes, as Joseph’s family were from Bethlehem. It was
very busy, so they had difficulty finding a room. The innkeepers were mean, and
would not let them stay.>
*flash of
light*
#Travellers of
the Tau’ri, you will worship me or I shall not grant you access to my temple!#
“Uh…I think
not.”
#Our Chosen,
long have We waited for you to seek Us out.#
“No chance,
Hathor. Daniel – stop staring like that!”
#Sholva! I will
not grant them entrance unless you surrender!#
“You’ll have to
get through me first!”
*flash of
light*
“Ow, my head –
Sam, what happened?”
“Jonas Quinn,
that was…most romantic.”
“Get. A. Room.”
“No romantic
soul.”
“And I was just
beginning to appreciate his ovine beauty.”
“Now, Lya,
don’t be hasty…”
“People,
please! Ms Narrator, continue.”
<Finally,
they found a small out-of-the-way pyramid and Mary gave birth to her child. She
named him Jesus.
Meanwhile, a shepherd
sitting on the hillside with his sheep was suddenly greeted by a choir of
angels.>
“I am not going
up there again!”
“Anyway,
there’s only one of him. We need a *choir*.”
*flash of
light*
“Greetings. We
are the Asgard choir of angels.”
“Asgard in
tinsel. How…disturbing.”
“We would sing
for you, but the ethereal voices of the Asgard would destroy your weak human
minds.”
“Personally, I
think it’s performance anxiety.”
“Oh really,
Sir? And how do you know that?”
“Sam, do you
want to be asking that question?”
“Good point,
Daniel. And where exactly is the baby Jesus?”
“Do you want to
give birth in the Gate room, Sam?”
“Uh…no thanks,
Janet. I think I’ll be fine.”
<The
shepherd ran to The Pyramid and gave over the sheep as a gift.>
“Roast lamb –
mmm!”
“Don’t you
think that’s getting a little old?”
“No, Sir.”
<Wise Women
from the East were following the light from the Goa’uld mothership hovering
over the pyramid…or at least they would be if they weren’t holding Gabriel,
fussing over Mary and flirting with the sheep.>
“But Jonas is
still shaken!”
“And every new
mother needs proper medical attention.”
“I was not
flirting.”
<Excuses,
excuses. Gather your gifts, Wise Women, and onto Bethlehem!>
*silence*
<NOW! Before
I let the Asgard sing…>
“Where’s that
star?”
“I must leave,
Jonas.”
“I was not
flirting!”
<The Wise
Women bestowed their gifts upon the child and the parents were grateful and
awed. And so the nativity ends, and the story of their lives begins.>
“Sam?”
“Yes, Daniel?”
“I think we
should go work on that story.”
“Yeah, we
really should.”
“Jonas Quinn,
are you recovered?”
“I’ll be fine,
Teal’c.”
“Then, we
should…prepare for your return to Kelowna.”
“But I don’t
want to go!”
“Then the
‘preparation’ may take some time.”
“Oh no, I’m not
being left alone *again*! Janet? Lya? Anybody? Okay, that does it. Next year,
I’m going to be the angel.”
*finis*