The SGC Nativity III
(And then there were
two)
CATEGORY:
Series, Humour, Crossover: Atlantis
PAIRINGS:
*sigh* Long list this year – I blame Atlantis: Sam/Daniel, Jonas/Teal’c,
Sam/Pete, Jack/Janet, Teal’c/Ishta, John/Liz, Rodney/Carson, Teal’c/Teyla,
Ford/John (mostly just implied)
SPOILERS:
Seasons 1-8 of Stargate up to Sacrifices; Season 1 of Atlantis up to The Storm.
Heavy reference to previous SGC Nativities.
NOTES: The third
year of this madness, but now it’s traditional. I wrote my church nativity this
year, which was extremely difficult, as I couldn’t stop thinking of Teal’c as
Mary. Couldn’t leave my new Atlantis obsession out of this – hope you all
enjoy!
WARNING: I
really, *really* don’t like Pete. Nor Ford particularly, but Pete especially.
This is rather noticeable in this fic, and I apologise to any Pete fans
reading.
“No. Absolutely
not.”
“But Sir…”
“No, Carter. I
am in charge of the SGC this year and there is no way in Hell we are having
another nativity. End of story.”
“I thought you
wanted to be the angel, Jack.”
“…”
“Yes, Sir, I
distinctly remember you saying angels got all the action.”
“Yeah…well,
that was before…y’know…let’s just say there’s no one I’d be wanting to kiss.”
“You could talk
about it, Jack.”
“O’Neill has
never dealt with his emotions in a satisfactory manner – he should share and
live free from grief and denial.”
“’Fess up,
Teal’c – Jerry or Oprah?”
“The Wisdom of
Samantha Carter.”
“Right, kids,
moving on…”
“Hi – I don’t
know if you know me but my name is Pete and I’m Sam’s fiancé.”
“Oh, hello, I’m
Daniel. Yes, we’ve heard of you. Sam talks about you…well, not a lot actually.”
“Indeed she
does not.”
“Guys!”
“Kids, be nice.
I’m sure the cop who got Sam FBI checked has a real good reason and will make
her very happy.”
“Thank you,
Sir.”
“And in our
nativity, he can be the sheep.”
“*snigger*”
“Daniel! That’s
not nice! And I thought there wasn’t going to be a nativity, Sir.”
“Changed my
mind. As long as he’s the sheep.”
“But I want to be
Joseph!”
“In your
dreams, Pete.”
“Want to hear
about my dreams, Daniel?”
“Will you two
stop sniping for just one minute? Anyone would think you were jealous.”
“…”
“…”
“Ah, the sweet
sound of silence. Wonder where Ms Narrator is?”
#Ms Narrator is
unavailable right now due to commitments in the Pegasus Galaxy. Please try
again later#
“Peachy. Real
peachy.”
“
“McKay would.”
“Who’s McKay?”
“Yeah, Sam, why
don’t you tell that story?”
“I am glad she
is not present. This year a surprise visit from Jonas Quinn would be most
unfortunate,”
“Cos you’d have
to tell him you’ve been sniffing around a female
“Daniel, what’s
gotten into you?”
“He is right,
Major Carter. Jonas would not be pleased.”
“Yeah, don’t
blame him. You love someone for years and then they just up and leave with
someone else…”
“Are we still
talking about Jonas?”
*blinding flash
of light*
#Hello all!
Sorry I’m late. Look, I have a request from Atlantis – they’re running low on
willing volunteers for their nativity play and as you’re a little low on
numbers yourselves, we thought a merger might be a good idea. Sound alright?#
“Hey Jack,
that’s not a bad idea.”
“I think you
may be right, Daniel. Okay, Ms Narrator, take it away.”
*blinding flash
of light*
“That is truly
amazing!”
“Oh
“I wouldn’t
insult her if I were you, McKay. Or she might cast you as Mary.”
“I’m sure
she’ll be fair, John. It’s nice to see you again, General O’Neill.”
“Likewise, Dr
Weir. You’ve met my team?”
“Yes, we’ve all
had gift baskets and flowers. When is this ridiculous play going to be over?”
“I believe, Dr
McKay, it will conclude at its own pace. I am looking forward to experiencing
this Earth custom.”
“I do not
believe we have been introduced. I am Teal’c, warrior of Chu’lak.”
“Teal’c what
were you saying earlier…?”
“I have not
forgotten, Daniel. But one bow and a ripple of my pectorals will do no harm.”
“Hello Samantha
– are you playing Mary?”
“Hi, I’m Pete,
Sam’s fiancé, State Police Officer. Have we met?”
“Don’t panic,
Cop Boy, I’m spoken for.”
“Aye, that he
is.”
“Anyway, kids,
shall we get on with casting?”
“I was kinda
hoping to be Joseph, if that’s alright, General. Elizabeth and I had already
discussed it.”
“So, you and
Elizabeth…”
“Are very good
friends, General. Aren’t we, John?”
“Uh…yes, of
course,
“So…what about
angels?”
“I believe I
would like to be one of these angels, Dr Weir.”
“Hell yeah,
Teyla, go for it!”
“Sir, aren’t
you meant to be betrothed to Dr Weir?”
“Ford, stay out
of this.”
“Is it usually
like this here, Sam?”
“Pretty much.
Five or take a couple of alien invasions. I’d also like to be an angel.”
“Oh, of course,
just take another excuse to kiss as many…”
“Daniel
Jackson, you are behaving most strangely.”
“Let them be,
Teal’c. They’ll sort it out eventually.”
“Why, General,
I didn’t know you were so sensitive.”
“Well, you didn’t
exactly bring out my fluffy side, McKay.”
“What about
Wise Men?”
“Well, me,
obviously. I have the highest IQ here.”
“Aside from
Sam. And maybe me.”
“Hey, Rodney’s
IQ is just fine. It’s his ego that could use some work.”
“I’m wounded,
“Oh, shut up,
you great bairn, for the love of Pete.”
“No, no way – I
am not gay!”
“I’m not sure
that’s what they meant, honey…”
“Did she just
call him honey?”
“I’m going to
be sick.”
“Sir, have we
walked into some domestic arena?”
“I’m not sure,
Ford, I’m really not sure. But you can hit me if you want.”
“Oh Sir,
really?”
“No.”
“So, McKay’s
claiming to be wise, I know Daniel’s wise and this doctor guy’s pretty smart
when he’s not trying to shoot down my chopper…”
“I didn’t mean
to.”
“More’s the
pity.”
“Rodney! Have
more respect for the General!”
“Does he have
the title ‘Wise Man’,
“I wish to be a
shepherd, O’Neill.”
“Hey – the
Major’s not that way inclined! More’s the
pity.”
“What was that,
Ford?”
“Nothing, Sir.
I’ll also be a shepherd, Sir.”
“Wait…does that
mean I’m a shepherd?”
“Nah, love, I
think you’re an angel. I’m
“Hi, I’m Pete,
Sam’s fiancé, State Police.”
“Keep your
knickers on, lad; I’m not after your pretty lass. Paranoia like that will only
get you in trouble, with other men and your lady.”
“Is there
something wrong with his voice?”
“
“Oh no, McKay,
let him go.”
“Daniel! That’s
my fiancé!”
“Who just
insulted a Scot. I say he gets everything he deserves.”
“Oh yes, Sir,
well said!”
“Shut up,
Ford.”
#Ah-hmm. Are we
ready to begin?#
“He insulted my
heritage!”
#After a little
recasting? I deem Pete to be the ass#
“Hah!”
“Sam, speak up
for me!”
“Pete, I’m
smart enough not to argue with an omnipotent woman. Or insult a Scot.”
#Right: so Mary
and Joseph started the long journey from
“Do I have to
sit on this jackass?”
“HEY! She’s far
too heavy!”
*thump*
“ARGH! She
broke my back!”
“Oh, did I?
Didn’t really notice.”
#They walked
the rest of the way, as the ass was now incapacitated. Soon they arrived at
“So, where are
the innkeepers?”
“Just wait for
it.”
*blinding flash
of light*
“I am Oma. I
offered a room to one of you, but he had to be chucked out. The Tau’ri are
obviously unsuited to Ancient rooms.”
“The Hoffans
will offer a room for the annihilation of a further half of our population.”
“The Wraith
want your life! AHH!”
“RODNEY!”
*blinding flash
of light*
“McKay!”
“Is he
alright?”
“Rodney, speak
to me!”
“Stop fussing,
“Oh thank God.”
*significant
pause*
“Hmm…this is
technically a military base…”
“That never
stopped Jonas and I, O’Neill.”
“That is true,
Jack.”
“Are you
feeling better now, Daniel?”
“Now your
boyfriend is groaning in agony, yes.”
“Mmph…sorry
about that. Near death and all that.”
#Where were we?
Ah yes,
“I’ll bet she
did.”
“That sounds
positively bitter,
“Thank you,
Rodney.”
#The time came
for Mary to have her child in the peaceful sanctuary. The birth was long, and,
unfortunately, Joseph fainted#
“ME?! Faint?
Never!”
“Hah – you
fainted!”
“Shut up,
McKay!”
“You don’t look
very unconscious for a man who’s…passed out.”
“I’ll take care
of that,
*thud*
“Your fighting
technique is quite impressive, Dr Weir. Especially for a new mother.”
“Glad you never
crossed her, Jack?”
“Oh yeah.”
“Eugh…what
happened?”
“You fainted!”
“Shut up,
McKay.”
“Dr Weir beat
you up, Sir.”
“Okay, Ford,
silence for you too. My head!”
#Some shepherds
were watching their flocks nearby when a host of angels appeared#
“I thought the
Major was playing the character of Joseph.”
“No, Teyla, the
shepherds for the sheep. Of which there are none. Oh dear.”
“Hey, am I
rising off the floor?”
“You wanted to
be an angel, Samantha.”
“You’re always
an angel to me, beautiful.”
“Damn, he’s
alive. I don’t suppose,
“Maybe later,
Doctor
“I am also
rising. This is most peculiar.”
“Wait…hey, I’m
an angel! Look, kids, I’m a Flying General!”
“He’s never
gonna let us forget this, is he?”
“I doubt it,
Daniel Jackson.”
#The angels
sung an amazing song that was heaven to the shepherds’ ears#
“I only know
Row, Row, Row your Boat.”
“Not
particularly festive, Sir.”
“I know only
Athosian Winter Festival songs, and they are long and only sung after the
consumption of much Snow Wine.”
“Well, this is
happening.”
#Perhaps a more
experienced angel is required…#
*blinding flash
of light*
“I bring glad
tidings from Kelowna, and shower you with vials of Naquadriah!”
“Jonas! What
are you doing here?”
“Ms Narrator
summoned me to help with the Nativity. I didn’t want to come, because of,
y’know, but if the Nativity needs me…”
“You’re always
welcome here, Jonas. Especially if you bring the good stuff.”
“I didn’t know
the Kelownans had a big drugs scene, Sir.”
“Very funny,
Carter. My sides are splitting.”
“I shall sing
‘Hark the herald angels sing’, but not to *that* shepherd, because.”
“Why not me,
Jonas Quinn? What have I done?”
“News travels
fast…okay, well pretty slowly to Kelowna, but I know!”
“Oh.”
“More
domestics, Sir?”
“We just can’t
escape them, Ford.”
*Jonas sings
anyway*
“He has a
beautiful voice. I commented on it often in the shower.”
“Okay, T, way
too much information!”
“How do we stop
this strange floating?”
“I’m…not sure.
It just usually…stops.”
“Well, as
you’re all already defying the laws of physics, we’ll have Carson on standby.”
“Oh, good to
know I’m useful for something.”
“Exactly. OW!”
“Rodney, my
love, you deserved that.”
*blinding flash
of light*
“Trust Teyla to
land perfectly.”
“Why is Sam in
Daniel’s arms? I’m her fiancé!”
*thud*
“Is Jack
alright?”
“I can see an
angel!”
“Sir, you are
an angel…”
“She’s glowing
white, and wearing a bikini…”
“Again,
O’Neill?”
“Mmph – she
kissed me!”
“Whatever
they’re pushing on Kelowna, I want some.”
“Rodney! The
man is obviously suffering hallucination. Have a heart.”
“It was
surgically removed at birth.”
“That was
almost witty, Major. I’m shocked.”
“Hilarious,
McKay. Hilarious.”
“Why is Sam
still in Daniel’s arms?!”
“Oh, am I?”
“I don’t mind.
You can stay a little longer if you like.”
“No no no! It
doesn’t go this way! She’s engaged to *me*!”
“Jonas Quinn,
you did not stay so long in my arms.”
“A note would
have been nice.”
“The General
disapproves of mailings by Stargate.”
“Excuses –
huh!”
#The Wise Men,
following the glow of an Ancient in orbit, proceeded to the sanctuary, bearing
great gifts worthy of the Son of God#
“Uh…one of our
number is somewhat indisposed.”
“Aww, it’s
rather sweet really.”
“She’s my
fiancée!”
“She is only
resting, Pete, Sam’s fiancé, State Police. She did fall from a great height.
See, O’Neill is still reclining on the ramp.”
“Angel wings…”
“Yeah, I think
it’s best to leave him there.”
“Sir, if the
SGC have drugs, can we take some back…?”
“Be discreet,
Ford, discreet.”
“I heard that,
John.”
“Damn.”
“I think you
should get up, Sam. We’re causing a bit of a scene.”
“*sigh* If you
say so. But I don’t see why two friends can’t just lie in each others arms. I
mean, only the other week, you slung your arm around my shoulder and I held
your hand. Most natural thing in the world.”
“You fooled no
one, Colonel Carter.”
“Damn.”
“What? What
happened?”
“Just give it
up, Pete. Really.”
“Good to see
you’re back with us, Jack.”
#Are the Wise
Men ready yet?#
“I have brought
a gift of Ancient prophecies, translated into Goa’uld for all your encryption
emergencies.”
“Very
thoughtful, Daniel.”
“Thank you,
Sam.”
“Well, I’ve
brought a full-charged and functional ZPM!”
“Wow, McKay,
really?”
“Looks like it.
Maybe this nativity thing isn’t so bad…”
“That’s my man.
I’ve brought Ancient gene therapy and desiccated Wraith. The best presents are
educational.”
“Thank you,
Carson. I’m sure they’ll be very useful.”
“As long as
they don’t…bite.”
“Oh no, they’re
quite safe. Mostly.”
#And so
concludes The SGC Nativity for this year. I wish you all a Merry Christmas and
a Happy New Year#
“Well, I
suppose we’d best be going.”
“It was my
pleasure to meet you, Teyla. Perhaps we can correspond in future.”
“Teal’c…”
“Excuse me, who
are you? Are you that female Jaffa?”
“I am Teyla
Emmagan. I am an Athosian from the Pegasus Galaxy.”
“Oh. Sorry
then.”
“It is no
problem. I can see how this one would be difficult to control.”
“Daniel
Jackson, I do not like this conversation.”
“I think,
Teal’c, that you might just deserve this.”
“Can we not
talk about this, Jonas?”
“What do you
have to say?”
“Okay, take the
domestics out of the Gate Room, kids.”
“Sir, you know
how that will end…”
“Oh, I know,
Carter. I just can’t stand Teal’c’s moping. Don’t ask, don’t tell, remember?”
“It’s time we
were getting back to Atlantis, General. It’s been a pleasure acting with you.”
“Likewise, Dr
Weir.”
“Take care of
yourself, McKay.”
“You too,
Samantha. Choose…wisely.”
“That was a
terrible pun, Rodney.”
“But you still
love me, right?”
“Aye, fool that
I am.”
“Safe trip”
*blinding flash
of light*
“Pete, I think
we need to talk.”
“*sigh* You’re
probably right.”
“Daniel, I’ll
see you later for…coffee?”
“Always, Sam.”
“Alone again.
Another nativity over.”
“…”
“Thank you,
beautiful. That was the greatest Christmas present you could give.”
*The End*