TITLE: Several Distressed Damsels and One Stolen Speech

AUTHOR: Demon Faith

CATEGORY: Humour (hopefully), Challenge response (details at end), J/D, Sam POV

SPOILERS: Early to mid Season 3, but I cannot remember the episode names!

SEASON/SEQUEL: Sometime after the Cliff Calley thing.

RATING: PG-ish

CONTENT WARNINGS: Strip poker, alcohol and one scary pairing.

SUMMARY: Sam’s writing a speech, and comes across a ‘party’ in Roosevelt...

DISCLAIMER: I do not own them. You really think Aaron would let them do this?!?

AUTHOR’S NOTES: This was written a while back, but because people seem to want fic, I thought I might post it. It was in response to intense boredom and a piece of English coursework so ridiculous that I had practically memorised the Shakespearean scene by the end of it. Tk (the poor soul) happened to be online with me at the time, and I begged her to challenge me. Together, we came up with this absurdity: I hope it isn’t too scarring.

I am usually a great speechwriter. Really, I am. But today, for some reason, I just can’t get the words to form coherent sentences. So, it’s around 2am, and there’s something going on in the Roosevelt Room. Don’t ask me what – I’ve been researching great oratory. And I’ve found the perfect basis for next week’s speech at the staff ‘pep talk’. Really, it’s amazing.

So, now that I have my inspiration, I need company and since there appears to be a party of some kind in Roosevelt, I’m gonna check it out. Nothing prepares me for what I see.

“DON-NA!!! That’s not fair! You cheated!”

“I did not! I won it – lose the shirt!”

Donna and Josh are playing strip poker in the Roosevelt Room. Judging by the large amount of ice cream and champagne bottles lining the wall, this has been going on for some time. CJ and Toby are watching with some amusement, as Josh tries to unbutton his shirt. Donna, still fully clothed, reaches out and pulls it apart. Josh just sits there in his pants - his shoes, socks, jacket and tie long discarded. I lean against the wall, and take out my pen. Yeah, this is company.

“What you doing, Sparky?”

“Writing a speech, CJ. And it’s gonna be great!”

“Really? Can I take a look?”

Toby reaches for my paper, and I snatch it away. I move over to the table, and sit down, looking at the words and re-arranging them in my head. Toby sighs, and motions to the air.

“Read me the first couple of lines, at least.”

I twitch nervously, and scribble over the speech before me. I clear my throat and begin.

“’We are heading for a …breach, a giant hole. But we are going to keep going, or die fighting. The wall will be closed with our dead, but that doesn’t matter. When it is peace time, we are still, we are humble – but now that it’s war, we become like the tiger.’”

I look up at Toby, who nods his head and smiles at me.

“That’s great, Sam. It reminds me…of…something.”

“Well, I can’t help you out this time, Pokey,” CJ smacks him lightly, and drags Josh carefully away from the table, before he loses any more clothing “He’s had enough, Donna.”

She nods, and reaches for her ice cream. She stares at it mournfully.

“No more Ben & Jerry’s!” she pouts, then promptly bursts into tears. Josh goes up to her, and hugs her, glaring at the ice cream container.

“Bad ice cream,” he slurs, swaying slightly and taking Donna with him. He reaches for the champagne bottle, and takes another swig. I’m sure my eyebrows hit my hairline.

“Why are people getting drunk and crying?”

Toby shrugs, and hands me a champagne bottle. I sigh, and drink some, making a face. I hate champagne. Ah well. It also goes straight to my head. That’ll make the speech more interesting.

“I’m going to check on my fish,” CJ calls, as she shimmies towards the door, singing ‘I’m too sexy’. Very disturbing. Toby watches her, smiling to himself. I shake my head – champagne is really getting to me. Never mind – drink some more, and I’ll feel better.

There is a scream from the hallway, and CJ runs in, looking as if she’s seen a ghost. She throws a rose on the floor, with a tag on it. Toby picks it up, and looks decidedly ill. I take it from him, and…well…ok…

“’To my precious Gail, I am forever indebted to you for listening to my woes. I will love you always, John Marbury.’ I’m going to be sick.”

Josh looks at me, and I realise that Donna has somehow ended up sitting next to him on the table. Something’s going on, because she looks entirely too sad and he looks entirely too happy. In the interests of speech-writing, I return to messing with great oratory. After several minutes, I read the next sections to everyone present. Well, I’m not sure about Josh – he appears to have passed out in Donna’s lap.

“’Stiffen all political muscle, our blood should roar with battle fervour, and our fairer natures disappear behind our rage. Our very eyes should shoot venom, our foreheads overhung like a worn-away cliff…’”

At my words, Donna promptly starts crying again. Josh appears to waken – was he even asleep? – and takes hold of her, glaring at me. What did I do?

“It’s ok, Donna, really…”

“He’s looks like a goddamn movie star! How can it be okay?”

“He’s a movie star?”

Josh looks at her in bewilderment, and Donna turns to CJ waving her arms about.

“The film with Mel Gibson, and the mind-reading, and he was the best friend…”

“Morgan, from What Women Want? Why…yes, I suppose there is a striking resemblance…” CJ ponders, now recovered from discovering her fish’s dating habits.

“Anyway, my speech…’battered by an ocean of bad history. We will raise ourselves, showing our determination in our faces, we are noble! We have the strength of generations of Democrats, like Alexander the Great! We will show that…’”

“Alexander the Great was a Democrat?”

“Hell if I know.”

“Ahkay.”

“Can I continue?” I glare pointedly at Josh, who shrugs.

“’…we are descended from their ideals. We will teach the Republicans what war is! Even the lowliest staffer, your contribution is vital.”

“What do you mean ‘lowliest staffer’? The top-level assistants are the lowest staffers present!”

Donna’s giving me her indignant look, and I swallow nervously.

“I’m just re-writing…look, it’s not…’You are made of strong things, worthy of such a cause. We couldn’t do without you.’” I rattle off, making a mental note to add those lines later.

She nods, apparently satisfied. Or that could be because Josh is kissing her neck…CJ is having a fit over that, by the way, but she’s not moving. Toby is frowning, trying to work something out. I carry on.

“’None of you are lacking – you have a noble lustre in your eyes!”

CJ sneezes, and Josh looks up from Donna’s neck.

“Bless you.”

“Really, Josh, do we have to live in the middle ages?” I look at him, hand on hip, and take another mouthful of champagne.

“Middle Ages?” Josh looks confused. I must educate him.

“The practice of saying ‘bless you’ after one sneezed was started because demons were believed to exit the nose upon sneezing. Actually, they weren’t far wrong, considering the millions of bacteria that…”

“Sam, read the speech,” Toby says, rubbing his temples.

“I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips. The game’s afoot, follow your spirit, and upon this…oops.” I realise, slightly too late, that I’m reading the type and not my corrections. Everyone is looking expectedly at me.

“’…hot campaign trail, we go striding into battle. And let us cry now ‘Bartlet for America!’”

“Ah-ha!”

Donna suddenly stands up, letting Josh fall straight onto the table. She points accusingly at me.

“I minored in Drama – I’m on to you!”

Uh-oh. I’ve been rumbled. Everyone else looks at her expectedly. She assumes a pose and glaring pointedly at me, begins to recite.

“’Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more,

Or close the walls with our English dead!’”

“HENRY V!” Toby and CJ shout in unison, then glare at me.

“It’s a good speech,” I say weakly.

Toby takes the paper from me, and throws it in the waste paper basket. He points towards the door.

“Go and write the speech.”

I trudge into my office, and I feel lonely. I think I’ll go and talk to Gail.

Gail/Lord Marbury (Yeah, the fish and the Brit)

Donna says, ‘no more Ben&Jerry’s’ and cries

Someone has a sneezing fit, someone says ‘bless you’ and Sam goes into the whole explanation of why

The Henry V speech (I have it, if you want to read the original)

Cliff Calley as a movie star