TITLE: When she loved me

AUTHOR: Demon Faith

CATEGORY: J/D, Josh POV, post-administration, songfic (also: S/A, CJ/T, C/Z, L/M)

SPOILERS: Specific references to characters, events and dialogue from seasons 1 and 2. Also, Isaac and Ishmael.

SUMMARY: Josh wonders over his break-up with Donna.

DISCLAIMER: Whatever I say here makes absolutely no difference. However, I don’t own them and TPTB know that. Please don’t sue.

AUTHOR’S NOTES: I’m listening to my Disney CD, and suddenly I’m really listening to this one song. The words fall into a nice plot, and I realise that I have to write it before the bunny eats my stereo.

NB I'm British. My understanding of American politics is limited to The West Wing, so if it makes no sense, please don't treat me too harshly! Also, I have no knowledge of Season 3 - so please forgive any blatant contradictions.

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//When somebody loved me

Everything was beautiful//

I’m sitting at my desk, absently tapping my pen against the wood, and staring mournfully at my calendar. Today, three years ago, we ended it.

I was Donnatella Lyman’s husband for nine years, after several years of denial, banter and office gossip. And now I’m not. The world fell apart that day, when she told me she’d had enough, that she was leaving me. I couldn’t believe it, I thought she was joking. She wasn’t.

Those years, with her, when I could see the light in her eyes, that light that was there for me, I was whole. Finally, I felt a completeness I had been lacking all my life. (When did I become such a sap?) My Donna, in my arms, every night. And now? Now, I’m broken.

//Every hour we spent together

Lives within my heart//

From the day we first met, I knew she was the one. Ok, I didn’t know I would love her quite like this, that we’d end up married and talking about children, but I knew this woman would be a major part of my life. This blonde college-dropout who broke up with her loser boyfriend and then descended on me. Quite an improvement, I’d say.

Maybe that was it - the way my ego seemed to take over my better sense. Yet, she'd seen that for so many years and she still married me. I can't believe it. It was too good to be true. It didn't last.

But when we were, we really were. We had passion of stellar proportions, we could illuminate stars, When I held her in my arms, the world spun crazily out of control until I was dizzy from the trip.

I thought we were unbreakable. Turns out I was wrong.

//And when she was sad

I was there to dry her tears//

She seemed to cry a lot during her time with me - often, I was the cause. I didn't always mean it - getting shot wasn't something I could control. I think about how she got me through that, how we held each other together. That's when I realised there was something more there, that we weren't just friends.

//And when she was happy, so was I

When she loved me//

The sound of my door opening breaks my reverie, and I stand, a smile on my face.

"Good evening, Mr President."

It's amazing - he still blushes when I say that. He'll never get used to everyone standing when he walks into the room, or the Secret Service entourage. Calling him 'Mr President' is just the highlight.

"You're working late, Josh, You should go home."

Home to what exactly? There's nothing to go home to. Sam seems to realise that, because he sits on the couch and beckons me to him. I sit next to him, and it's almost like old times. Except I'm sitting next to the President of the United States in the Chief of Staff's office, my office.

He rests his hand on my shoulder, and I'm reminded of just how many times I've seen Leo and the President - sorry, Jed (I'll never get used to that) - do the same thing. Funny how things change, yet stay strangely familiar.

"Do you think if I gave her a Presidential order she'd come back to you?"

I laugh loudly, because he actually sounds serious. He's thinking about ways to fix this, even though he knows it's futile. He's been trying to stop us breaking for so many years - now, it's far too late.

"Does that work with the First Lady?"

He blushes again, and glances towards the office door. I know she's waiting for him in the Residence, and I'm guilty. I'm keeping Sam from his family. He reads my mind, as usual, and shakes his head.

"You need me tonight, Josh. Ainsley will have to go back to sabotaging the new Privacy Act."

Irony of ironies - a Democratic White House with a Republican First Lady, and a damn scary one at that Yet, although Sam jokes about her political interference, she supports him 100%, even if she doesn't agree with him. Donna used to do that for me.

I'm all maudlin and melancholy and, yet-again, super-psychic Seaborn strikes again. He draws me into a hug, holding me as I start to cry.

I don't cry. Joshua Lyman does not cry, not over a woman, over some blonde college-dropout. No, he cries because he lost the best thing in his life, the one thing that stopped him being like all the other politicians. I'm talking about myself in the third person - this must be bad.

"God, Sam, what did I do wrong?"

I can feel him shake his head, then he pulls back and holds my shoulders. I look at his piercing eyes and I can tell that he knows exactly what I'm thinking. He's freakish like that.

"Nothing, Josh. These things happen."

"Not to you."

Sam releases me and sighs. I can tell that he's not sure what to say. This is unlike him - even as President, he usually says exactly what he thinks and to hell with the consequences. I think I've rubbed off on him.

Now, I get the feeling he's hiding something from me.

"We have rough patches, Josh."

"Sam, we've been apart three years. Before then, we were spitting and hissing most of our married life, like some volatile chemical reaction."

He smiles at my analogy, and suddenly his eyes light up. Uh-oh....

"You know what - we should have a reunion!"

My eyebrows fly towards my hairline, quite a stretch nowadays. Sam has suddenly got a wave of childish hyperactivity, and he gets up and starts pacing around the room, hands waving.

"The old Senior Staff - and assistants, of course," he winks at me. I groan, "meeting the new Senior Staff and assistants. It'll be great!"

I quickly try to discourage this train of thought.

"Sam, this isn't some high-school club! We can't do this, it won't work..."

"What won't work?"

I look up and stand. Sam turns, practically bouncing off the walls at this point, and smiles at his wife.

"A reunion of the Bartlet administration, so they can meet the new...administration."

I note how he ignores the fact it is the Seaborn administration - we have to work on his confidence.

"Sounds like a great idea! How about next Saturday at the California house?"

Sam smiles brightly at me, and I sit back down, burying my head in my hands. I can hear scraps of Sam and Ainsley's whispered conversation, enough to know that they are planning a reunion of different sorts.

Sighing, I resign to myself to the fact that I'm going to see my wife for the first time in three years.

~

//Through the summer and the fall

We had each other, that was all//

So, here I am, propping up the wall and thinking about the good ole days.

When we finished our second term, we didn't exactly separate. I had persuaded Sam to run for Congress, as Toby had persuaded CJ to do the same, so we went to run campaigns. Jed and Leo officially retired, whilst keeping an eye on what we were doing, calling occasionally with congratulations or advice.

Ainsley, having been promoted to White House Counsel late in the second term, stayed under Hoynes, whilst Donna stayed with me. I think that was the first mistake.

Things didn't go smoothly for us - the Press insisting on remembering Laurie and the MS scandal, and when we were barely capable of running a campaign, I turned to Donna.

Therefore, she was not only submerged under the workload of running the campaign - I was pretty lethargic then - she had to deal with my emotional collapse. I got it back together in the end, but not before the damage was done. We got Sam into Congress, and I married her almost as an afterthought. That was mistake number two.

//Just she and I together

Like it was meant to me//

I managed to spend more time with her after the initial campaign. I'd say that was the best period of us - romantic picnics in the park, moonlit walks along the Potomac and finally a trip to Hawaii. Donna labeled in the Golden Age. She obviously forgot that after the Golden Age came the Depression.

//And when she was lonely

I was there to comfort her//

"JOSHUA!"

I look up from my musings to see a tall glittering flamingo heading my way, towing a rather reluctant-looking Toby. She releases him and crushes me in a hug. Damnit, I think I may start crying again.

When she eventually releases me. I raise my glass to her.

"Nice to see you too, Senator Cregg."

She beams at me, and grabs hold of Toby again. I'll never understand these two. They are so completely in love, yet they shy away from the very mention of marriage. I think they've seen what politics does to marriages - Toby's break-up with Andy, Leo's marital collapse and of course, me and Donna...

Seems they have the right idea.

"So," Toby says, probably realising I'm about to flood the patio with tears, "where's the new Communication's Director?"

I'm surprised Toby doesn't know by now - I'm sure he's heard the name, seen the pictures. Yet, the great Ziegler mind has yet to compute. I raise my hand to my mouth and call out.

"Hey, Billy, come over here!"

A tall well-built young man strides across the garden and stands beside me. I'm actually not surprised at Toby - he's pretty unrecognisable.

"Billy, you remember Toby. Toby, this is Billy Fernandez."

It's CJ who makes the connection.

"The student from the crash! The smart kid who scared us with his Josh imitation!"

Billy and I both colour, and Toby smiles in realisation.

"Of course: only the best and brightest will do."

I hear a twinge of regret in his voice. It's understandable - CJ should be Vice President right now. Yet, no, she wouldn't do it. She likes life better in the Senate, and frankly, we need her there.

"Aren't you going to introduce me, Josh?"

I smile at that voice, and beckon the beautiful woman into our circle.

"CJ and Toby, meet Fred Hooper."

She smiles and shakes hands. They know she's the new Press Secretary, but they don't yet understand the significance.

"Fred was interning at the GAO during our first term."

Fred smiles wickedly at that description, and as their faces remain blank, I elaborate.

"She...encountered Sam before the Stackhouse filibuster."

CJ's rich laugh echoes around the patio, as she clutches at her side and struggles to remain upright.

"You're the intern who smacked Sam around over the reports? Well, good for you! Welcome to the sisterhood!"

CJ, delighted to finally meet this woman, leads her away, obviously to discuss the merits of teasing Sam Seaborn. I wonder what the Service will say.

Toby and Billy head to the bar, and once again, I'm propping up the wall.

This is pretty typical of middle-aged Josh Lyman - lonely in a crowd of people. Actually, it was pretty typical of the younger Josh Lyman too. Except then, I gravitated towards Donna and we laughed together, pointing out the Senators trying to hide against the wall and making up stories about them. The assistants are probably making up stories about me.

//And I knew that

She loved me//

"You can't disappear into the curtain, Josh."

Or, the staffers. Two of the senior staff beam at me, hanging off each other. I muster a smile - this political couple are destined to last. I slap my deputy on the shoulder, and sigh.

"Charlie, my man, I can do what the hell I want."

"You're still limited by the laws of physics though, right?"

Zoey Young, hand resting on her swollen abdomen, smiles cheekily. I mock swipe at her.

"And they pay you to write?"

"Josh Lyman, are you abusing my daughter?"

Still a commanding presence in any room, Josiah Bartlet has found me. Abbey appears by Zoey's side, smiling proudly at her. What a family.

"No, sir, just questioning her ability to construct a sentence."

"It's Jed now, remember? And we used to say the same thing about Sam."

It's now that I realise we've almost forgotten - all evening, it's been 'Sam this' and 'Sam that' and a 'President Seaborn' hasn't crossed our lips. Oops.

We all look over to where Sam and Ainsley are greeting people, and we exchange smiles. We're all so proud of him, because we remember when he was writing speeches for an audience of girl scouts. I remember him as a scatty aide in Congress. Times have changed.

//So the years went by

I stayed the same//

One by one, the people around me walk off, and I'm left to my thoughts. It seems forever since we first gathered in the small Manchester office, since Donna first walked into my chaotic life. 'I can be valuable' she said - God, she was so right.

I'm not talking about her organisational ability or her saint-like quality of putting up with my unique personality - although I have yet to meet anyone who can be half the assistant she was. I'm referring to the fact that she loved me when I could barely speak to her, when I was in my most obnoxious mood, when I ruined her Christmas by trying to commit suicide and when I was despairing over Sam's failing congress campaign. She stuck with me, she pulled me back from the brink and she loved me.

I returned to my usual self, always the egoistical politician, but my Donna began to change. She no longer accepted my unwitting limitations on her life, my selfish opinion that my political dreams came first. We got Sam into the Senate, and she struggled along with us.

//But she began to drift away

I was left alone//

All the time, though, she was harbouring her own hopes and dreams, never mentioning her own ambition. I never considered it - what a selfish bastard! She should've said so a long time ago. but no, she kept quiet, my long-suffering never-complaining (well, only in jest) assistant and wife.

Finally, she couldn't take it any more and she left. That was the year we started the Presidential campaign.

//Still I waited for the day

When she’d say I will always love you//

I haven't spoken to her since. That's terrible, unthinkable, that I haven't said a word to my wife since she walked out the door. There were never any divorce papers, nothing like that. I don't think I could've signed them.

I think I'm the only one she doesn't contact. She got elected to Congress, her constituents love her. Her office is officially managed by a couple of kids, fresh out of law school, but in truth, it's Ainsley and Leo who keep it all going. They've taken a personal interest in her, nurturing her obvious flair for the political life. Something I couldn't do.

I think I was waiting for her to call. How stupid is that! She walked out on me, what possible reason could she have for calling me! It should've been me - I should've sent flowers, bombed her voice mail.

Except I felt the conviction that everything she had said to me had been right - that I was selfish, that I was manipulative and stifling, that she didn't need a restraint any more than she needed a hole in the head. You see, I've remembered it all.

She was better off without me. That I knew, that I still know. Sam's an idiot. Newsflash: the President's an idiot.

//Lonely and forgotten

Never thought she’d look my way//

A light laugh carries across the patio. Every muscle in my body is trembling and I have the sudden urge to bolt and hide. Carefully, I crane my neck, and I see a glimpse of her across the room. I duck down again, quickly trying to brush away the sudden wetness on my cheeks. Must be something wrong with my eyes.

No, I can't do this, there's no way. It's been too long, and I'll say something stupid. She'll smile awkwardly and then run off to tell her new boyfriend what a gomer she married

My heart stops. New boyfriend? I never even considered it. But just because I never looked at anyone else doesn't mean she's stayed celibate. No, no, of course not...

//But she smiled at me and held me

Just like she used to do//

"Josh."

I look up abruptly and almost throw my drink a la Ainsley. She looks gorgeous, in a long black dress that clings in all the right places. Her hair is as blonde as ever, and there isn't a line in her alabaster skin. I hardly trust myself to speak.

"Hey Donna, long time no see," I croak out.

Suddenly, she's in my arms and holding me tightly against her. I bury my head in her shoulder, blinking back tears, as she kisses my cheek softly.

After a few minutes, we break away, and I realise she's also crying. I set down my glass, and offer her my arm.

"Walk with me?"

"Of course."

She takes my arm, and we walk towards the centre of the crowd. Instantly, Billy and Fred are greeting her.

"Donna! It's great to see you!"

"Hey, you realise you're the most popular member of congress? There was a poll!"

Donna laughed with them for a few moments, never letting go of my arm. She finishes her conversation, just as Leo and Margaret appear. Yet another couple I just can't figure out. Margaret lives one block from Leo's house, and she's there practically every day under the pretence of helping him out. Leo takes care of her, maintaining her flat and dropping subtle hints, telling her: 'just move in and be done with it'. They're in love, in a strange quirky kind of way, but neither will admit it.

"Donna, you look beautiful, as always. Josh."

His tone to me is harsh, and I know I deserve it. He treats Donna like a daughter, and he hates the fact that I hurt her. I hate it too. Donna laughs at him.

"Relax, Leo, he's not a murderous stalker! I'm taking care of him tonight."

I'm not sure what that means but I'm grinning like an idiot. Leo's lips twist into a grin, and he pats her arm.

"Just let me know when you want him shot."

With that, they leave, and I wonder what conversations have been going on without me. Donna drags me off to catch up with CJ and Toby, and I am happily led. This is just like old times.

//Like she loved me

When she loved me//

Halfway through our conversation, someone gives Sam a microphone. There are muted groans.

"Good evening everyone."

"Good evening, Mr President," comes back the reply. Like me, they all delight in seeing Sam blush.

"I hope you're all having a good time. I just want to say thank you for coming, and we're going to start the dancing now."

Sam relinquishes the microphone and I am surprised. He usually carries on for several minutes but something is hurrying him. Maybe Ainsley turns into a pumpkin at midnight.

I turn back to Donna, who is looking at me strangely. She holds out her hand.

"You gonna dance with me?"

"Of course," I say, mimicking her earlier reply.

It is now, as I try to find a place to start, that I notice the rather large amount of Secret Service agents. I'm used to the one stationed in the Communication's Bullpen, but I forget that Jed still has his protection too. The place is swarming with them.

The music starts, and it's a slow number I remember from the very first Inaugural Ball. I danced with Donna, enjoying the feel of her in my arms. Donna and I were never 'just friends'.

Donna shifts closer, resting her head against my neck. She is pressed tightly against me, and my hand fits exactly in the hollow of her back. I've never danced with anyone else quite like I dance with Donna.

This lack of concentration does have its disadvantages. I slip, and fall backwards into the pool, dragging Donna with me. Quickly, I lift her out of the freezing water and sit her on the poolside, before pulling myself out. I am well aware that everyone is laughing at us, but I am more concerned about Donna pouting at me.

I stand, and pick her up. She squeals - yes, Donnatella squeals - and pounds at my chest. I hold on to her, laughing.

At the exact same time, we realise what we're doing. We used to do this - I would lift her in the air, she would pound at me and scream for me to put her down and then we would end up kissing. Quickly, I put her down, as she stops her struggling. We both just stand still, breathing heavily and soaking wet.

Everyone around us is silent. I take her hand and lead her inside, muttering about towels and dry clothes. Ainsley and Sam follow us, as everyone starts talking at once behind us. Ainsley takes Donna from me and Sam, a hand on my back, steers me towards their bedroom (Ainsley has her own room of clothes: Republican spendthrift). He shuts the door behind us and looks mournfully at me.

"Mr President..." I warn, but he pays no attention.

"You were so close! And then you fell in the pool. I mean, *I'm* clumsy, but that was downright stupid."

"You mean like letting her go?"

He is silent, and I ramble on.

"I treated her terribly Sam, I abused our relationship - I don't deserve her!"

He is still silent, encouraging me to continue. I take the invitation.

"And no amount of dancing is going to change that! Y'know, I was going to kiss her. It would've been so easy to kiss her, but I didn't. Because then we would shatter, and I can't break anymore."

Yes, I'm officially a sap. I don't care. I can't really find any other words, but Sam understands. He wordlessly finds another tuxedo and hands it to me, before slipping out of the door. I change quickly, trying not to think about her and devising a plan to get the next plane home.

As I slip on the jacket, there is a soft knock on the door.

"Josh?"

Her voice sounds so small and I'm drawn to her. I open the door, then shut it behind me. She's wearing a light blue dress, one I vaguely remember Ainsley wearing at some point. She follows my train of thought.

"She wore it to our reception."

A lump comes to my throat and I can't speak. Luckily, she carries on.

"I think we need to talk."

I nod, trying not to cry. The champagne has made me all teary. We end up in Ainsley's study, a room full of books and what appears to be the remains of her college life. Donna sits on a box marked 'HMS Pinafore', whilst I lean against what appears to an exercise bike, draped with various wigs. This woman is seriously weird.

I think I know what she's going to say. This has been a painful experience for both of us, and she's going to suggest that we never see each other again. I can fully understand, after all, I've been so extremely...

"I think we should get back together."

My mouth hangs open, my eyes bulge and I grip the exercise bike so tightly that all the wigs fall off. I am speechless with disbelief.

She looks up and laughs at my shocked expression.

"Close your mouth, Joshua, you look like a fish."

I obediently shut my mouth, as she stands and places her hands on my shoulders. My heart is racing.

"I've missed you so much. We've both changed in two years, and I think we could give it another go. What do you think?"

I lack words and the coherency of thought to string together a response. Instead, I kiss her.

//When somebody loved me

Everything was beautiful//

As we are in growing danger of making love in Ainsley's study, I break the kiss. And I say the words I am indebted to say.

"Thank you for taking me back."

She smiles warmly, and takes my hand. We walk back outside, and I quietly pull Sam to the side.

"She's come back to me!" I'm grinning foolishly, and have the sudden urge to jump off the Statue of Liberty. Thank goodness it's several thousand miles away.

Sam hugs me, practically dancing around in circles. When he lets me go, I find Donna again, and hold her against me, arms over her shoulders. She holds my hands, and leans her head back against my neck. The familiar click of a microphone sounds.

"Friends, I declare Operation Lyman a success!"

There is applause and cheering, as I turn to Sam in horror. He winks at me.

"Y'know, Mr President," I shout, "if there weren't so many agents around here, you'd be in the pool!"

There's laughter, including Donna's sweet chuckle. God, I love this woman! The music starts again, and this time it's instantly recognisable. It was the first dance of our wedding.

I turn Donna in my arms, and she presses herself against me, as we dance to our song.

//Every hour we spent together

Lives within my heart//

I'll always remember this night. The night my adorable wife came back to me, told me that she's missed me. Despite the hell I'd put her through, despite the fact we're both broken now, we are back together. I don't deserve this - but I'm not going to complain.

//When she loved me//

*finis*