How the hell did I end up with all this?
I’m sitting at a desk, sorting through paperwork about ships. Wrecks that barely float, but that I can still ensure are allowed to carry oil and can’t be sued when all hell breaks loose, as it eventually will. What a way to make a living - off other people’s greed? This isn’t me. This was never supposed to be me.
I’m almost sure - no, I’m absolutely certain - that if Josh was still here, I wouldn’t be the man I’ve become. I’m sure I would’ve been doing something worthwhile, something that could change the world.
Instead, I’m working in a corrupt New York law firm (I think that may be redundant) with a fiancée, who knows I’m in love with a man and doesn’t care. Seems like the life I always dreamed of, doesn’t it?
Of course, falling in love with Josh was never part of the plan. I don’t think any kind of love was in ‘the plan’. I was supposed to have a career, and maybe get married for some reason or another, just to please my parents. And now Lisa, I suppose.
She knows that I’ll never love her. She knows that it’s all about The One Who Got Away, but she isn’t bothered. What a way to begin a marriage! I hope we never have children: I could never bring a child into a loveless, deceitful relationship. I’m so glad I was born into such a loving family.
Well, I guess it was never about us. Josh left, and flew higher than I ever could. I eventually found another job, working in corporate law, and I haven’t seen him since. Do I care? I like to pretend it died all on its own, but truthfully, I still love him.
How absurd is this? I’m a good lawyer - hell, I’m a great lawyer - and I’m earning enough, I guess. Yet, I want to be back in that campaign office, just so I can go to the park and bicker over sandwiches or wake up in the arms of Josh Lyman. Hell, seeing him would be a start.
I sit back in my chair, idly tapping my pen against the desk. Josh used to do it, annoyed the hell out of me. I’d give anything to be annoyed again. But Josh is off playing politics with Hoynes, some ass of a Democrat who’s only in it for the win. Josh deserves better.
If he came here - if he came to me - and told me to follow him, I would do it. But, I can’t help Hoynes. I can’t help elect that man; he’s not the real thing. So, even if Josh asked me, I would never go. But, for someone else, I would go. I would put myself through Hell for Josh - and the real thing.
I wouldn’t even need an apology, not even an acknowledgment of the pain he’s caused. I could do that to myself, I could go back to that strange pseudo-relationship we had. I adored him - I still do. With him, well, who knew what goes on in Josh Lyman’s head? I never did, and I never will.
How I wish that wasn’t so. I wish things hadn’t turned out this way. Could I have prevented it? How can I answer that? I don’t even know how we got here.