Just another trip
//Do you love me?
Or am I just another trip
In this strange relationship?//
He won’t look at me. I catch a flash of cold anger in his eyes, and I turn away in disgust.
“What the hell is your problem?”
“You slept with her, didn’t you?”
My jaw drops, and my own anger doubles. How could he possibly think that? How could he even…I lack words. I’m going to floor him, I swear.
“I did not! How dare you!”
I storm into my room, and pick up my already-packed bags. I step out into the hallway and his mouth falls open. This is it, I’m through here.
//You push and pull me
And I'm about to lose my mind
Is this just a waste of time?//
“Sammy! Wait!”
He grabs hold of me, and I turn. That was a mistake. The pleading in his eyes, and his pathetic stance stop me in my tracks. There is only contrition in his face. I struggle to maintain my anger – I will not be fooled again.
“When were you going to tell me about the job offer?”
His mouth works of its own accord, and I nod to myself. Breaking away from him, I head towards the door of our apartment. I’m leaving. I’ll find a hotel. I can’t stay here, not with this man, this man who lies to me, who conceals his life from me. Not any more.
//Keep acting like you own me
I keep running, watch me walking out that door
“You can’t leave, Sammy! I’m…sorry. I didn’t mean to…I just got jealous…”
I whirl around, and pin him to the wall, anger overtaking sense.
“You *do not* own me, Josh Lyman! This is my life, and I can see whoever I damn well please! But you – YOU – kept your life a secret. When were you gonna say you were leaving? When, huh?”
He is silent. I shake my head in despair, and turn. My hand is on the door handle, when he calls to me.
//Gimme that strange relationship
Never felt pleasure and pain like this//
“Sam, I need what we have. I don’t know – it hurts me to see you with anyone else. It feels amazing when you’re in my arms. I’m breaking all the time I’m with you, and you heal me too. I don’t get it, Sammy.”
“Neither do I.”
It’s all I can say. He struggles, trying to explain himself. I look at him, the tension in his shoulders, his bowed head. There are tears in his eyes, and I know that I caused them. It burns me up inside.
//Something so right but it feels so
terribly wrong
I keep holding on//
There’s
something about Josh. When we first met, even though I don’t remember quite
where and when, I know that After Josh – that’s how I think of my life now.
Pathetic – I felt like the world was suddenly turning the right way. And then
we became a lot more, turning in political spirals and catching a kiss and the
occasional night. God, I love him! Why does it feel like I’m dying inside?
I just want to
keep us away from everything else – it won’t happen. Josh is inextricably
linked to politics – he breathes it. Everything else doesn’t matter. I don’t
matter.
//Gimme that strange relationship
One of us gotta let go of this
I keep pushing and you keep holding on//
I walk away now, before he can pull me back, suck me back into his life with a few tear-stained words. No, no more. I can’t handle this – if we keep going like this, we’ll spontaneously combust, I just *feel* it. We must stop this – for us, for politics, for everything and nothing. I can’t justify this to myself – no wonder Josh can’t understand.
He calls out, but it’s too late. The door is closing, this is it.
//I'm already gone//
~
//Do you love me?
We break up and back together
And I swore to myself never//
Josh is beautiful when he’s asleep. You can almost forget that he hurts you and completes you, when he’s simply a sleeping beautiful man. He almost looks fragile, breakable – you have the greatest desire to protect him.
He shifts against me, burying his head in my neck, and I smile to myself. I did what I swore I would never do – I took him back. When I saw him on the doorstep, I had every intention of slamming the door back in his face. But then I saw that he was soaking wet, that he must’ve walked the seven blocks to my hotel room. That he was staring at me with his big doe eyes, and his lips just begging to be kissed.
I didn’t slam the door. I stepped back, and let him in. I am a fool.
//Oh how you do me
You strip me of my honour
And I don't ever think I'm gonna//
He always managed to brainwash me. From the moment we met, I was under some kind of intoxicating spell. I’ve never said no to Josh. I doubt I ever will. It takes one kiss, one touch, one mind-blowing night – and I forget that I was angry, I forget what it’s like when he’s hurting me. Fool, Sam, fool!
//Break free of these mind games
All I'm trying to do is modify my plan
'Cause I can't contain you//
So, here I am, once more playing house with Joshua Lyman. I wish this followed a set of rules, a method, a simple ‘how to’. But, no, this is an uncontrollable rollercoaster of games and torture, and a volatile mix of explosive emotions that refuse to stop blowing up in our faces.
We are not simple men. This is not a simple thing. How I wish it was! So, I’ll keep on playing the game, keep pretending it doesn’t hurt. What else can I do?
~
//Gimme that strange relationship
Never felt pleasure and pain like this//
“HOW COULD YOU?”
Back again. Familiar territory. The breakdown and half-assed rebuilding of us. I don’t think it’s going to work this time.
“I TRUSTED YOU, JOSH!”
He’s shouting at me as never before, anger in his eyes, his face, his whole body radiates it. I am struck dumb – because, Lord, as if he isn’t the hottest I’ve ever seen him. Damnit – my boyfriend’s attacking me, and I’m thinking of the turn-on!
“ANSWER ME DAMNIT!”
“I love you.”
My voice is quiet, falling underneath his angry tones, the smoke in the air. He stops, still as the night, all the fight ebbing out of his body. Maybe I was wrong – maybe I can fix this…
// Something so right but it feels so
terribly wrong
I keep holding on//
“Just get out,” he says, dully.
“Sam, please, let me explain…”
“You’re leaving, Josh. You’re going to work in another state. You didn’t tell me. There’s really nothing more to say, is there?”
No! It can’t end this way! I can’t lose him like this, he has to understand!
“Sam, this is a Presidental election! I have to do this – it’s important!”
“More important than us?”
His tone is so flat, so devoid of emotion, it takes me a moment to realise it was a question. I answer.
//Gimme that strange relationship
One of us gotta let go of this
I keep pushing and you keep holding on//
“Yes, Sam, this is more important right now.”
I cannot believe I just said that. He sighs, a heart-felt sigh that shows how truly tired he is. I did that to him. I destroyed him – how could I do this?
“Sam, please, that’s not what I meant…”
He opens the door, and waits. This is it. I pick up my bags, and leave. The door slams behind me and I cringe. I destroyed us.
//I’m already gone.//
~
//You keep acting like you own me
I can't control me//
I keep telling
myself that it never would’ve changed, that Josh would always be in love with
politics and not me. I’m unconvinced. But then, he didn’t try. He didn’t call
me, he just left. He was going to escape into the night, without a word, if I
hadn’t found out. He ran from us. It’s his fault.
Then, why do I
feel so guilty?
~
//You said you never really wanted me
back//
A plane to
nowhere, to a life of nothing – politics without Sam to come home to. I am
cold. Damnit, I lived thirty years without the man! Why can’t I do it now?
He said he never
loved me. I like to think he was lying, protecting himself. I can’t think that
I meant nothing to him. I couldn’t show I loved him, I’ve never been about
emotional stuff.
He said he
shouldn’t have taken me back, that it was his mistake and that he was sorry! He
apologised for what we had. He didn’t realise I would’ve stopped if he’d have
said. One word, just one attempt to stop me, and I would’ve stayed with him.
That’s why I
didn’t tell him. Screw that – I don’t know why I didn’t tell him. I don’t know
why I accepted. This is so messed up, I don’t remember the truth!
I don’t
remember Sam loving me.
~
//Well maybe if that's a fact
May I suggest
A brand new plan of attack//
I said we were
a mistake. He believed me.
I have to move on
now, away from politics and these memories of him. I’ve applied for a couple of
jobs in corporate law, but it won’t come to anything. Josh was the smart one. I
was the fool.
A scared fool.
We were far too serious, too self-destructive. It was only a matter of time.
It’s repeating that phrase that will help me, that will get me through this.
The acceptance, the new plan – one phrase.
It was only a
matter of time.
~
//And in the fizzle that you're hard to
crack
You're way off track//
I settle into
this campaign like slipping into a jumper. This is where I’m meant to be – I
can feel it.
I miss him.
The work is
great, and refreshing. I’m learning new things and the candidate has a
half-decent chance. We could win this – two years and we could be in the White
House. And I’d have done it, done it all.
It’s just
static without him.
I think this is
the path I was headed for this whole time. Nothing about karaoke bars, parks
and drunken first dates. This is sensible and logical, and missing anything
that will come back to bite me. This is the zenith.
It means
nothing without him.
~
//I want you back, I want you gone
Maybe I'm sick of holding on//
There’s not a
day when I don’t think about him. And when I think about him, I know I made the
right decision. Things aren’t moving with the same pace and energy, but that’s
okay. Maybe this is what I need – to quieten the pace for a while.
Yeah, I’ll be
fine. After all, it was only a matter of time.
I’ll keep
telling myself that. Maybe then, I’ll forget that I love him.
//Do you love me?
Or am I just another trip in this strange relationship?//