AUTHOR: Demon Faith
CATEGORY: Romance: J/D, CJ/T, CJ/J, S/D, Angst, AU
SPOILERS: Seasons 1 and 2.
RATING: PG-13
CONTENT WARNINGS: sexual implications
SUMMARY: Josh and Donna listen to the radio, with unfortunate results.
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing is owned by Warner Bros et al, ‘Bed’ is performed by Semisonic.
AUTHOR’S NOTES: Thank you to Jo and Rhian, for creating the SG music video to this song. It was an excellent inspiration.
This fic is mainly to satisfy my multi-shipper tendencies. It was started before I began watching Season 3, and it is an AU.
“DONNA!”
Donna sighed, and walked towards the office.
“You rang?”
Josh looked at her, squinting behind a pair of glasses. Donna raised an eyebrow.
“I can’t read your writing.”
“That may be because you’re wearing Sam’s glasses.”
Josh looked towards his nose, and took the glasses off. He looked at them strangely. Then, he blushed.
“SAM!”
Sam scurried in, looking hassled. He saw Josh with his glasses, snatched them off him and ran away again, with a faint call of ‘Thanks’. Josh looked at the note again, and then looked up at Donna.
“This says I can go home.”
“It does.”
“Why didn’t you just tell me I could go home?”
“What’s the date on that?”
Josh squinted at the corner, before looking up again, eyes still wide.
“It was two weeks ago.”
“Exactly.”
“Still, why didn’t you…”
“Josh, you were in a meeting two weeks ago. I left you the note and then I went home.”
“You can’t go home until I say you can.”
“After 1am, it really doesn’t matter.”
“I was in a meeting at 1am?”
“With Sam,” Donna nodded, remembering once again why she never got anything done.
“So, today, I can’t go home?”
“Yes, you can.”
Josh squinted at the memo again.
“Why was this on my desk?”
“I recycled the memo.”
Josh’s eyebrows flew up. Donna felt this was a good time to make her exit. Josh watched her walk down the corridor, and head into Sam’s office. Frowning, he stood and followed her. He could hear their conversation plainly.
“I know, it’s a little late, but you still wanna grab something?”
“No, I’m tired now. Maybe another time.”
“Yeah, sounds good. I’ll see you tomorrow. What time you getting in?”
“Around eight. Josh’s letting me lie in.”
Josh heard Sam laugh, before Donna came out of the door and looked at him incredulously.
“You were listening outside the door?”
Donna started to walk, and Josh fell in step.
“Sam asked you out to dinner?”
“Sam asked me to eat with him, and it is frankly none of your business.”
Josh almost stopped in the middle of the corridor.
“You usually eat with me. And it is my business.”
Donna stopped, and glared at Josh, hands on hips.
“What I choose to do after work is no business of yours. And if you wanted to eat with me, you should’ve asked.”
“I always want to eat with you,” he said softly.
Donna felt like she was crumbling inside. Josh was giving her puppy dog eyes, and his mouth was folded in an adorable pout. Donna wanted to jump him.
Pushing those thoughts away quickly, she continued to walk. Josh was left standing in the corridor.
“I’ll be in at eight tomorrow,” she called over her shoulder.
Donna walked through the car park, conflicted. She got into her car, and fumbled with the radio. She couldn’t think straight, he was affecting her rational thought processes. This wasn’t good. Her mind was already a scattered mess. At least, Josh thought so.
Donna actually cried out, and slammed her hand against the steering wheel. Why did everything come back to that man? The radio started to play, and she started the engine. Driving away, the words filtered through her turbulent thoughts.
//My little darling, it’s a crying shame
The way that you lead me on//
Donna stared at the radio. Had the DJ read
her mind? Josh did lead her on; he led her in myriad circles and loops of
consciousness. And when he looked at her that way, he brought her world
crashing down around her ears. Now, it was beginning to hurt.
//I got nobody but myself to blame
She nodded to herself. She had tolerated it, joined in the banter and done a little pouting of her own. She was grateful for the times he hadn’t noticed the smouldering looks she was sending his way. She hated it when he made her turn into sentimental mush; she hated herself for letting herself fall. She liked flirting with Josh, but when it had started to mean something, she wanted to pull out of her nosedive to disaster. But it was already too late.
//Well show me a body that gets no love
And I’ll show you a body that’s way messed
up//
Donna couldn’t remember the last time she had a date, let alone the last time she had shared a bed. Actually, she could remember. It had been when CJ, her counsel on most of these things, had been away on the trip to Portland. She had bought the dress, Josh had seen her and slapped her down. Her evening was ruined, she had to come back and see him and missed her first chance in months to get well and truly laid. Or, just laid at all.
Of course, if she weren’t so obsessed with a pair of brown eyes and gorgeous brown curls, she would get along a lot better.
//Well, it seems you’re aware of the
effect you have on my head//
Josh knew alright. Donna knew that Joey Lucas had said something to him, just by the way the looks and the flirtatious banter had gone up a gear. Josh seemed to enjoy teasing her. She had liked it before, even got a kick out of teasing him back, but now it was becoming too meaningful, she was reading too much into innocent comments and she had begun to think of Josh as something more than a boss and friend. This was dangerous territory. And she didn’t seem to want a retreat.
//If you feel like I’m asking you for
too much,
We can keep in touch,
And I’ll find someone else to bed//
Donna smiled. That, she thought, seemed like a solution. She did a U-turn, and headed back to the White House, fishing out her phone. She quickly dialled the number.
//Bed
Find some…
Find someone else to bed//
“Hey, Sam? I think I’d like dinner after all.”
//Bed
Bed
Find someone else//
~
Josh got into his car, and headed for his favourite bar. He flicked on the radio, completely wired after his conversation with Donna. She seemed to have that amazing effect on him. It was starting to become more than just fun, though. He thought it was becoming serious. That scared him. The radio was already playing a song.
//My little darling, I’m a tangled mess
When you tease me the way you do//
Josh could definitely relate to that. Donna was always flirting, looking at him with those amazing eyes. She threw back her hair, and how he wished he could touch her beautiful, slender neck…
Josh mentally slapped himself. He needed to get seriously drunk.
//What it would be like I can only guess
If you’d please me like I wanna please
you//
It was a secret he had kept since the campaign. Everything about Donna drove him wild. Her energy, her enthusiasm, her banter – it was like spiritual caffeine. He could take on the world after an hour with Donna. And she must be an amazing lover…
Josh was horrified with his own thoughts. He thought he had buried those a long time ago, and again and again they kept coming back. He couldn’t keep hiding these untamed and inappropriate thoughts. They could only harm Donna, and the administration. The White House didn’t need a sex scandal anymore than it needed a nuclear war.
//Well, show me a friendship that’s pure
and chaste
And I’ll show you an engine that’s dying
to race//
The first moment he saw her, it had been there. He was more than a little surprised to see a beautiful blonde haunting his office, even more shocked when she had persuaded him to let her stay. She said she could be valuable – she had just never known how much.
So, it wasn’t exactly ‘just a friendship’. It had never been that. No one could deny that Donna was attractive, but it was the way she was so fragile yet she was determined to make herself strong. That appealed to him – right from the beginning, but more after Rosslyn. He knew that feeling – so completely destroyed, but still resolved to rebuild.
//Well, the time has come for me to find
another way to get my soul fed//
She was not a tease – he couldn’t claim that. But this almost-something they had was too little, too late for an aging man who never seemed to find the magical woman to keep him going. Politics was his fire, he never thought he needed anything else. It turned out that he did.
He didn’t have the time or the energy for a ‘serious’ relationship. He couldn’t give Donna what she deserved, and she couldn’t get caught up with an idiot like him. They would get entangled if they tried anything – he knew that. So, he needed something else, less pure than what he simply couldn’t have.
//I know we could be the sweetest
friends,
But if that’s where it ends,
I’ve got to find someone else to bed//
“Josh!”
Josh got out of the car, the radio still playing, as CJ walked over. She looked like she needed to get drunk as well. Josh smiled faintly.
//Bed
Find some…
Find someone else to bed//
“Join me for a drink, Ceej?
//Bed
Bed
Find someone else//
~
Toby walked through the west wing, wondering where the hell everyone was. Cathy could only tell him that Sam had still been at work when she left and Carol only knew that CJ had left late, with the intention of getting drunk. Donna was nowhere to be found, and the rest of the senior staff didn’t appear to care that they had staff in five minutes.
Toby walked into Leo’s office, and sat down. Leo emerged from the Oval Office, and looked inquiringly at Toby.
“I’ve been looking for them,” he said, shrugging.
Leo frowned. He had caught the exchange between Donna and Josh, grimaced at the obvious way their relationship was heading. But, if that was the case, it didn’t explain the absence of CJ and Sam. It was all very…odd.
“Sorry we’re late!”
Josh burst in, CJ following. They looked hung over and in desperate need of some sleep. Leo internally groaned at the implications of his own thoughts. A few moments later, Sam hurtled through the door, with the look of a man who had just been thoroughly kissed. Leo closed his eyes, wishing his mind would stop drawing these conclusions. He opened his eyes again, to see Josh glaring daggers at Sam, oblivious to similar looks directed at him from Toby.
Leo knew it was going to be a long day.
~
Donna practically waltzed around her desk, glowing. She hummed to herself absently, silently thanking God for a band called Semisonic.
“Donna, my office.”
Josh slipped past her, and into his office. His voice had been quiet, full of dark emotion. Donna’s mood faded. She followed him into the office, closing the door. Josh was facing the window, hands clasped behind his back. He didn’t look at her.
“So, you went home with Sam last night?”
“That’s none of your business!” she replied, hotly.
“No, I guess it’s not,” his voice was soft, a note of regret on his tongue.
“Look, Josh, Sam’s a nice guy,” she stopped, knowing that her next words would’ve hurt more people than her conscience could bear. Josh finally turned, but didn’t meet her eyes.
“Go back to work, Donna.”
Slowly, she left the office, and went back to her desk. She glanced up and saw Sam staring at her from across the bullpen. He turned and walked away.
~
Josh avoided CJ, Donna, Toby and Sam all day. He spent most of the time in discussion with Leo and the President, not once going near the mess or his office. He couldn’t cope with the knowing smiles from the interns, the whispering from everyone he passed - ‘White House Slut’ had crossed the lips of many. How was this their business? So, he’d fallen in love with his assistant and screwed one of his best friends – big deal. So, he’d lost the respect of everyone he worked with – he could live with that. So, he’d ruined every friendship he’d build over the last four years – too much.
When he finally returned to his office, there were no lights in the bullpen. He rested a chair against his office door, and dug out a blanket. Settling down for an hour of fitful sleep, he wondered how he could’ve been so stupid.
~
“You still here?”
CJ looked up, to see Sam hedging in her doorway. She sighed, and motioned for him to shut the door. He sat down on her sofa, and looked at her. She nodded with understanding.
“Toby was looking for you earlier.”
“No, he wasn’t. He was looking for a fight.”
Sam had no reply, and just sat quietly. CJ sat back in her chair.
“God, Sam, what have we done? This place is too damn quiet now – no one trusts anyone, we’re living a soap opera!”
“You were drunk, CJ, people understand that. I…I’m dating my best friend’s ‘one true love’. What can you say to that?”
“Not everything’s about him, Sam,” CJ said, observing the torment of guilt in his eyes.
“No, I guess not,” he looked up, a sad smile on his face, “I really like her, CJ. I want to make this…something. Is that wrong?”
CJ smiled, a haunted smile, thinking about Toby and Josh, thinking about stuff like love and friendship, thinking that maybe there was line somewhere far behind her.
“No, Sam, not at all.”
He sat back, and nodded to himself.
“I’m just gonna sit here a while.”
“Yeah.”
~
Donna sat in the Mess, staring at the bowl of ice cream that was melting beneath her spoon. She glanced at the clock, and noted that 3am was probably a little early for ice cream. She didn’t notice him until he was seated opposite her.
“I don’t need another lecture, Toby.”
He held up his hands in denial, and she pushed the bowl nearer the centre as a peace offering. He picked up a spoon, and took a mouthful. She smiled as some caught on his beard.
“He hurt you, didn’t he?”
Toby bowed his head, attempting to control some of the frustrated emotions
evident in his eyes.
“I love her,” he said, hoarsely.
Donna reached for his hand, and whispered
back, “I know how you feel.”
Toby looked up, and they exchanged a smile. Donna released his hand, and moved to leave. Toby caught her arm.
“What about Sam?”
”Right now, Toby, I just…don’t know.”
~
Jed didn’t like to pry into the lives of his staffers. What they did outside work was their own business, and the less he knew about it the better. However, no one could miss the dark brooding silence that had descended over the west wing, nor could a President ignore the lack of communication between his Senior Staff.
They had been standing in his office for half an hour, and for once, everyone had finished their sentences, there had been no interruptions and the only joking was Leo telling Josh he looked like he’d slept in a garbage truck. No one had laughed.
As soon as they had gone, Jed called Charlie over.
“Okay, spill: what’s going on that I should know about but shouldn’t?”
Charlie hesitated, shuffling uncomfortably. Jed’s eyes bore into him, and he awkwardly started to speak.
“Well, Mr President, Josh spent the night with CJ,” his eyebrows shot up, “and Donna spent the night with Sam,” jaw dropped, “so, everyone’s a little uncomfortable.”
“What in God’s name possessed them?”
Charlie grew even more nervous, and Jed waved it off.
“I don’t need a eighth grade social studies lesson. Why is it still a thing?”
Charlie shrugged, and was glad when there was a knock from Leo’s door. Jed frowned, but motioned for Charlie to answer it. The young man was crossing the Oval office, when the door flew open, to Leo’s voice, “It’s my door – you don’t knock!”
He entered, followed by Donna. She looked scared, nervous, not at all like someone entering a meaningful relationship. Jed shook his head, freeing his mind of such thoughts.
“What can I do for you, Donna?”
She hesitated, and Leo sighed, answering for her.
“She wants to be transferred out of the west wing.”
Jed went from bewilderment to fury in s split second. He stood and banged his fist on the desk.
“WHAT HAS HE SAID? Charlie, get him in here NOW! He has no right…”
“Sir, please, he hasn’t done anything.”
Donna’s quiet, reflective tone stilled Jed’s anger, and he sat back down, looking at her to explain.
“I just…I feel our…working environment is a little…uncomfortable now. Josh would function better with a different assistant,” she finished, decisively.
“Josh wouldn’t function *at all* with a different assistant,” Jed threw back, getting up and circling the desk, so he was standing in front of her. He placed a hand on her arm, “He needs you, Donna. *I* need you,” she tried to interrupt, “just where you are. Is that clear?”
She nodded slowly. He removed his hand, and smiled at her.
“Go back to work, Donna.”
She nodded again, and exited through the outer office. Leo motioned for Charlie to leave, before sitting with Jed on the sofa.
“Sir, why did you…?”
“Because it’s unfair, Leo. She shouldn’t have to leave, she can’t…God, Leo, when did this become so complicated?”
“Since the beginning of time, old friend. This is…not good, but…”
“Not good? This is my Senior Staff not communicating, my best assistant requesting reassignment and the eventual screw-up that will occur because someone was too damn proud! Leo, I’m going to fix this!”
Jed stood, and marched over to the door, calling for Charlie.
“Sir, I don’t think that’s the wisest…”
“You called, Sir?”
“Get me the Senior Staff, and Donna. I don’t care what they’re doing – get them in here!”
Charlie disappeared, a small half-smile forming on his lips. Jed turned to Leo.
“I’m going to sort this, Leo.”
Leo held up his hands and walked away. Jed called to him, “Hey, where are you going? You’re staying.”
Leo sighed, and stood behind Jed, thinking what amusement this would be.
Everyone walked in, immediately finding a space of their own, Donna standing behind the rest. They all looked distinctly uncomfortable.
“Charlie, close the door. Right, sit down, all of you – we’re going to talk this out.”
Reluctantly, they sat, Sam and Donna on one sofa, a distance apart, and CJ and Toby on another, also spaced. Josh sat alone on the far sofa, with Jed and Leo on the chairs. The room was silent. Sam coughed, nervously.
“Frankly, what you do in your own time is no concern of mine. You bring it here, and…”
“Sir, it’s not a problem,” Josh stated, firmly. There were faint mutterings of agreement.
“Josh,” Jed said quietly, “Donna has asked to be reassigned.”
Josh looked at her in horror, as she ducked her head, not looking at anyone. Josh couldn’t believe this – she was leaving him. What had he done, how could he have been so selfish, so stupid? He looked around at everyone, all looking at Donna. These were his friends, his closest friends, and now they sat like strangers to him. It was all his fault – this silence, this mistrust; his fault, and only his. The solution was clear.
“I’ll resign, sir.”
Now all eyes were back on him, but Jed shook his head.
“No one is resigning. We need a rational discussion…”
There was a knock at the door, and Charlie entered.
“There’s a call, Mr President. Secretary of State.”
The staffers stood, and quickly made their exit. Jed sighed, and asked for the call to be put through. //That solved nothing// he thought bitterly.
~
Josh tried to follow Donna, but she managed to disappear. When he returned to the bullpen, CJ was waiting for him. He sighed deeply and indicated his office. They went inside and she shut the door quietly but firmly.
“We shouldn’t do that again, Joshua.”
“Ceej…?”
She sat down heavily, and held out her hand like a Shakespearean actor. Josh leaned against the wall, reading her mind.
“It was fun, Josh, really…but we both know…there are other people…we’re not right for each other…this can never be…a thing.”
She looked up, relieved when he nodded to her.
“You’ve gotta talk to Toby.”
“Josh, please, I don’t need a lecture…”
“CJ, don’t,” Josh said, quietly. She was silent, looking at him. She sighed to herself, and sat back.
“Look, Josh, I care about you…”
Josh laughed out loud, and CJ smiled. This wasn’t just anyone – this was Josh. He placed a hand on her arm, and patted it gently.
“We’re gonna be ok, right?”
“Yeah, Josh, we’ll be fine.”
They exchanged smiles, and she rose and left. When she was gone, Josh leaned against the door, thinking too much about pain and too little about forgiveness.
~
The day drew to a close, the interns and deputies glad to hear Josh and CJ’s good-natured joking carry across the bullpen. Even Toby and Josh appeared to be talking. Only Sam remained secluded in his office, and when everyone else had left, Donna came up to the door and knocked. His tired voice called for her to “Go away’ but she opened the door anyway.
He looked up at her and smiled, happy to see her. In that instant, she could forget Josh, she could shut him completely from her mind. She didn’t need Josh – no, she had Sam. Wonderful, caring, dependable Sam.
She walked in and he motioned for her to shut the door. An ominous feeling hit her.
“Donna, I think we could…make something of this.”
“Yeah,” she breathed, knowing that tone of voice. //Godamnit, no!//
Sam smiled self-depreciatively, looking down at the floor.
“I know you love him, Donna. I’m second best to him, I know that. We’ll both regret it if we…continue to… Go find him, tell him – y’know, sort it out. I won’t lose you, I *can’t* lose you or Josh, not over this.”
Donna stepped forward and hugged him, wishing she could fall for a guy like Sam. That would be too easy though, right? Far too easy.
“Sam, you are…the most amazing friend,” her voice clouded with tears, and he leaned back, wiping at the tear tracts on her face.
“Go find him,” he said quietly.
Donna kissed him then, a light fleeting brush, a kiss from friend to friend. They smiled then, and hugged once more. She moved away, and took hold of his hand.
“You and Josh – you’ll talk?”
“Yeah, we’ll talk.”
Donna nodded, and then left, feeling warmth escape her, feeling lost.
~
The knock on the door startled him. He paused the CD, and answered it. She stood there, holding two cups of Starbucks coffee. He let her in.
Wordlessly, she set down the cups. Silently, he hit play.
//Well, the time has come for me to take
care of myself instead//
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“I understand,” he answered.
//Y’know, if we remain on a spiritual
plane,
I will go insane
Don’t make me find someone else to bed//
“Too late,” she said, bitterly.
“Yes, it is,” he said, no trace of anger in his tone.
//Bed
Don’t make me find someone else,
Find someone else to bed//
“We can’t go back, y’know,” she said, a respectful distance away, too far.
“We can go forward,” he said, shrugging, uncertain, hoping.
//Find someone else to bed,
Bed
Bed
Bed
Bed//
“We should see how it works. See if we can make it work.”
“We can make it work. We can do this *properly*.”
“That’s a lot to promise.”
“I keep my promises.”
//Find someone else to bed
Bed
Bed
Bed//
Lying sated, entangled, without regret, it seemed as if there was hope. Their friends, their lives – to be rebuilt, to undo the hurt. They could be strong; they could do this – because they had learnt that the consequences of denial were just too great.