EMAIL: demon_faith@btopenworld.com
CATEGORY: J/D,
Songfic, AU, Donna POV
SPOILERS:
Everything up to ‘On the Day Before’, and familiarity with ‘Unforgivable’ is
advisable.
SEASON/SEQUEL:
Sequel to ‘Unforgivable’, which is set in an AU after ‘On the Day Before’.
RATING: PG-13 –
disturbing circumstance.
SUMMARY: What
happens to Donna after she leaves?
DISCLAIMER: The
West Wing belongs to Aaron Sorkin et al. ‘Wherever you will go’ belongs to The
Calling.
AUTHOR’S NOTES:
Yes, I do occasionally keep my word! Here’s the sequel to ‘Unforgivable’.
Thanks to Meri Lee for her stream of feedback for ‘Unforgivable’, and love to
Mel, Tk, Mags and Jeanine for being amazing!
You may express
some concern for my characterisation – trust me, please, there is a reason.
//So lately,
been wondering
Who will be
there to take my place//
It’s strange,
really, how little time we spend thinking. I’ve never considered it before, but
now, with time stretching before me, I am thinking. And I haven’t before.
Because if I had
thought, I don’t think I would’ve left so soon. After all, who is left now? Sam
is there, but Sam is your best friend, and he won’t tell you when you’re being
a jackass. You need telling, Josh. I know that now.
CJ will keep you
in line, but she won’t bring the banter. I can bring the banter, Josh. We hide
behind our words sometimes, don’t we? Saying unforgivable things, walking away
when we shouldn’t. It’s all part of us though, and we should understand. But we
don’t.
Leo’s always
looked out for you – he’s a mentor, a surrogate father, a friend. But he won’t
call you late at night, when he knows you may be hurting, and talk for hours
about nothing at all until you’ve forgotten. No, that’s our thing, isn’t it? It
seems we had a lot of things.
Toby’s a good
man, but he’s not a close man. He wouldn’t hug you for writing something
special, he wouldn’t roll with you in the park – you don’t know how glad I am
about that. Yeah, you won’t know.
//When I’m
gone, you’ll need love
To light the
shadows on your face//
You don’t know,
do you? No one will know. It’s dark now, and when light fills this place, it’ll
be too late. That’s not sad though. Because you won’t know, you can’t know.
So, who will you
love, Josh? Joey’s a nice woman, but Kenny could be awkward. You should learn
to sign, but that takes patience. I made you be patient, Josh. So, no signing,
no Joey.
CJ is too
kickass for you, you wouldn’t let your guard down around her. Anyway, she’s
spoken for, but I can’t tell you. Cos it’s a secret. And even though you’re not
here, and I’m just seeing you cos I want to, doesn’t mean I should tell you. No
no no.
You can’t go
back to Mandy, Josh, cos she’s not good for you. She’s terrible, and we didn’t
keep her number anyway. She didn’t want to know when you got shot – she gets a
black mark for that. It’ll go in my book of People I Don’t Like Cos of Josh.
It’s a big book. I would write it, but I can’t now. Sam will write it for me –
you’ll have to ‘scuse the punctuation.
No one would pay
for a nurse, Josh, cos that’s stupid. They wouldn’t help you, and stay at
night. No, they’re not as stupid as me. The assistant with a crush on her boss.
Crush us both, it will. Too late for me – you should run away now.
//If a great
wave shall fall
It’ll fall
upon us all//
When I left, I
was kidding myself. I thought no one would get hurt. I think I was wrong now,
now I’m thinking. It’s amazing, how clear it is, I’m sure Abbey could say why.
I think people
will cry at my funeral. That’s nice to know. Will you cry? I know you don’t
like to cry, to show anything, but promise to hold CJ? She cries at funerals,
and she needs you to be strong. You and Toby.
Don’t cry, Josh,
it’s not your fault. I should know not to walk at night. But you made me mad,
you blinded me, and I stormed away. I ignored Mel, stupid, don’t do it. Don’t
call her cats names either, s’not nice. Might get you stabbed, and then you’ll
die.
Maybe you’ll see
me when you die, see some stupid image of me floating in front of your eyes.
That would be nice. But, you won’t think of a distant memory when you’re old,
will you? Stupid me. Yes, stupid me. Shouldn’t walk alone, ignored Brown Owl
and Mama. Shouldn’t let some man take my stuff, or hurt me. Too late, now,
should’ve listened.
But I couldn’t
listen, not to you, not to your words. I couldn’t stand it, I had to run.
Understand me, please! I had to run away, because of you, because of words. I
don’t like words anymore. We should rewrite the dictionary, blank, blank pages.
Pass the bill for me, Joshua?
//And between
the sand and stone
Could you
make it on your own?//
You’ll feel
guilty, won’t you? You won’t be able to forget. Don’t be silly, Joshua, you’ll
be alright. I’m not really that valuable, and I don’t know about love. Your mom
knows, and she’ll help you, she will. She’s a good woman. But she liked me,
first mistake.
You won’t be
alone. You have good friends, they like you, they’ll bring you coffee. I won’t
though, sorry. I might do, if you asked, but not now. A little late, just a
little. Cos this thinking is starting to hurt, and you’re staining all red.
That won’t do, Josh. You’ll need to change your suit.
I used to do
that. And cajole and beg, and you’d believe me. Then you stopped. That wasn’t
very nice, was it? You don’t believe me anymore, not for soooo much time. Damn.
Shouldn’t swear at St Peter, might exile me. One person shut me away today,
don’t want another.
//If I could,
then I would
I’ll go
wherever you will go//
Are angels
people? I forget. You would tell me if you weren’t Jewish – do you believe in
angels? Not the stupid looking ones you tears off trees whilst drunk, then hold
up against me to compare.
I could do that,
I think. Float gracefully with a harp – or flute – and sing you to sleep. You
must sleep, Josh, or you’ll stop smiling. Depriving the world of dimples –
s’not allowed. What lucky Congresswoman got that smile today? Don’t give up
smiling cos of me, angel or no angel. I like Dido – but she sings sad songs. I
like listening though, that makes me depressing.
//Way up
high, or down low
I’ll go
wherever you will go//
When you die,
Josh, long long time from now. Stay away from windows please. We can go to
Hawaii. There must be a staircase from heaven – no hose jokes. You make bad
jokes. Why do I laugh? Maybe I love you.
NO! Too late, no
time, can’t say that now! You’re not here, I can’t say, can’t admit, waste,
such a waste. I followed you everywhere, and I’m leaving. Cos now would be a
great time to confess love and all. Don’t like it, bad word. Take it out the
dictionary with the rest.
Don’t hunt the
man, Josh, he’ll live with guilt. Do stabbers have guilt? Muggers? No, guess
not, cos killing is a kinda guiltless thing. I suppose it’s like saying mean stuff
– you do it enough it becomes meaningless. Am I meaningless, without meaning,
devoid, removed, alone? It feels that way. But I’m not feeling a lot right now,
except it burns. Fire, fire is red – explains a lot. Don’t burn, Josh.
//And maybe,
I’ll find out
A way to make
it back some day//
Maybe you get
let out for good behaviour. Maybe I can get a permit from an archangel, and
haunt you for a bit. Scare you with flying folders and such stuff. You won’t
like that though. Can you kiss angels? Make love to angels? Doubtful, really,
cos wings would get in the way.
I don’t want to
go, now. It seems late to think that, but swimming in red made me think it.
Shouldn’t’ve gone, stopped all this, stopped tears, red tears. Maybe if I’d
told you about love, about how I knew exactly what love was, cos of you. No,
you’d like that, you’d smirk, and I wanted you to hurt. Do you hurt, Josh?
Don’t, please.
//To watch
you, to guide you
Through the
darkest of your days//
I hope it isn’t
dark for you, Josh. I never want it to be dark. I’m a grown woman, frightened
of the dark, scared of the black taking me away. You’d stop it, Joshua, if you
were here. But you’re not. I wasn’t there for you, and so you’re not here for
me. That’s the way it is, swings and roundabouts, c’est la vie.
I wish I could
hold you. Properly, your head on my shoulder, my arms tight around you, drab
boards scraping your back. We knew love then, Josh. You probably didn’t
realise, how tightly you held me, how quiet the whisper, how loudly your heart
sounds when I’m pressed against you. Strong, good heart – don’t stop cos of me.
I’m gone, I’m a wisp, you can’t be like me.
Don’t try. Never
try. I’m not that valuable, you know that. I don’t know love, or self-worth.
You told me so, twas you. Mean man, mean, my man, Joshua, mine…
//If a great
wave shall fall
It’ll fall
upon us all
And between
the sand and stone
The dawn will
soon be here now, I can see the sun beginning to rise. I’ll be gone before it
reaches the sky. You look sad, don’t be sad. It’s not right that you’re upset.
You weren’t upset when I left, you didn’t follow. Might have stayed if you had
followed. Too late to think of maybe, too late. Always too late.
Mom? I’m cold,
so cold. Need ‘nother blanket. Red one itches, burns. Shut the curtains, shut
out the light. Can’t sleep when it’s light. Too early, too early to sleep.
//If I could,
then I would
I’ll go
wherever you will go
Way up high,
or down low
I’ll go
wherever you will go//
Josh, did you
feel this way? When the red river came down, and the light hurt? Must’ve been
cold, all alone. People moving around – I hear them too. Don’t tell me to hold
on, I don’t think I can. The light is too bright, and they’re shouting too
loud. No, Josh, I’m not leaving – just moving away for a while. Jus’ a little
further than Wisconsin, only a little. I’ll be back, I promise, yeah, someday.
Runaway with
my hope
NO! Josh, don’t
go! You’re fading into the red, it’ll drown you, please stop! I can’t stay in
the dark alone, please, stay. I can’t think on my own, I might as well leave.
You’re all I had, Josh, and now you’re gone. No fair, no fair!
Why does all my
stuff go? Why must I leave all the time? I want to stay, just this once,
please, let me stay!
//I know now,
just quite how
In your
heart, in your mind,
Other voices,
people moving, everyone except you. Doesn’t matter, you shouldn’t be here. You
should be safe, maybe thinking of me, keeping me safe. A little part of me with
you, always, forever. Keep me close, Josh, don’t forget me. Don’t want to be a
forgotten person who was stabbed on the street. Another name, another coffin,
another grave.
Sirens – I hear
sirens! Angels with police cars to take me away. Cold is pulling me away, far
away, away from you. Always, Josh, remember me always. Write my name down so
you don’t forget the woman who loved you.
//If I could
turn back time
Silent and dark,
the red’s fading now. It’s so empty here, I think I’ll go to sleep. See you
soon, Josh. Night, Mom. I’ll sleep well, I promise. Love you all…sleepy…now…
//If I could
make you mine
“Woman, late twenties,
multiple stab wounds to the abdomen, in shock. No ID found.”