Unforgivable

-Demon Faith

CATEGORY: J/D, Angst

SPOILERS: ‘On the Day Before’, and reference to ‘Let Bartlet be Bartlet’, ITSOTG part 2, Noel and The Portland Trip. General reference for seasons 1 and 2.

RATING: PG-13, for bad language. Sowwy!

SUMMARY: Josh crossed a line.

DISCLAIMER: Not mine. I think that may be a good thing.

AUTHOR’S NOTES: Inspired by Mel’s determination that Josh had crossed a line in ‘On the Day Before’, that reminded us both of ‘The Portland Trip’. However, this fic is set after ‘On the Day Before’ but has no actual basis in the following episodes. Take it as a complete AU after those initial episodes of Season 3.

Also, one of the ideas here has been stolen from Stargate – but Sam took it slightly better than Donna did! Of course, Daniel had a good excuse…<ah-hmm>

DEDICATION: The wonderful Mel, who, as always, tempers my trusting acceptance of fanon, and shapes it into truly insane plot bunnies. You may recognise a few of your comments here, hon – couldn’t have done it without you!

I think he was actually angry with me.

As if my own sense of guilt and lacking self-worth (I can’t forget) weren’t enough to contend with, my boss and supposed friend lays his anger on my head. Well, he can stuff it.

I don’t know what to say anymore. I mean, four years ago, we had just met. He had no reason to trust me. I could stand the occasional snapping, and mood swing. Of course, we got to the White House and things were great, until we realised we couldn’t do the things we wanted to. I put him in his place, and I forgave him because he was tired and stressed.

And then Rosslyn. You forgive a man for digging and biting at you when he’s drowning in himself, when he’s trying to hide his pain from everyone. Then, it had a name and he was on track again.

Until today.

Today, I have nothing to blame. Yeah, he’s shocked by the MS. So is Sam – Sam has every right to be angry and to snap. But he doesn’t, he tries to stop Josh from acting like a spoilt brat who’s throwing a tantrum because he can’t have everything he wants. Well, Joshua Lyman, here’s news for you – you don’t own me.

That’s right, you do not own me – you hire me, you make me work ungodly hours, and you shout, but you don’t own me. I think I’ll take Sam’s flag and make it into a dress for myself. How’s that?

Yeah, I’m pissed. Since when does he have the right to pass judgement on me? I slept with a Republican. He slept with Mandy Hampton. Touché. I never said a word. She ruined his life, and I didn’t say anything, because it wasn’t my business. It looked bad for the candidate – Josh knew, Josh apologised and life went on.

I date a Republican, a very nice and charming man, who happens to work on the committee Josh is fighting with and who gets transferred to the committee responsible for putting us through the ringer. It was two dates. It was practically nothing. I’m assistant - *assistant* - to the Deputy Chief of Staff. I’d like to say it doesn’t matter at all, but it may matter a small amount. A small, practically insignificant amount.

And Josh brings out the guillotine.

I can’t work like this. I respect Josh – sorry, I *used* to respect Josh. Josh is – was – my friend. I think I could consider being more with Josh. Yet, Josh is…an uncaring bastard who thinks the world and my life should revolve around him. Tough shit, Josh.

I think that’s why I’m standing outside Leo’s office, a carefully-typed letter in my hand. I knock softly, Margaret having long gone, and he calls out.

“Who the hell is still here at this hour?”

I pop my head around the door, and he smiles.

“Come in, Donna, he still keeping you here?”

“No, I just needed to see you.”

He’s quiet, watching me carefully, as I place the envelope on his desk. He stares at it in silent horror, before looking back up at me.

“It’s my resignation.”

“Donna…I…”he sits back in his chair, taking off his glasses, “I don’t know what to say.”

“I’ll stay another two weeks, arrange a replacement with Personnel, but…I’m going.”

“What does Josh say?”

I look down, and I hear Leo curse under his breath.

“You haven’t told him?”

“It’s better that way.”

I look up at him, and realise there are tears forming in my eyes. I blink them away. A natural reaction to a life-changing moment.

“I need…I will…” Leo waves his hands around, as if not quite sure what to do next, “I’m gonna tell the other Senior Staff members. They have to know about this…change.”

“I understand.”

“We’ll miss you, Donna.”

“Thanks, Leo, I appreciate that.”

He waves his hand in a dismissive gesture, and as I leave, I see him reach for a tissue. No, I didn’t see it, this is not affecting anyone but me. This is my decision, this is the one time I don’t have to consider anyone else.

My life, my job, my happiness.

Because his anger is unforgivable.

~

Sam opened the door to Leo’s office, feeling sick. He stepped into the corridor, just as Josh bounced around the corner.

“Hey, you seen the memo flying around? You alright?”

Sam forced a smile, and Josh nodded, before heading into Leo’s office. Sam wandered towards Josh’s bullpen, and stopped by Donna’s desk.

“I heard,” he said, quietly.

She looked up and smiled weakly at him. He chewed on his lip, as she stood and wrapped her arms around him.

“It’s alright, Sam. I’ll miss you, y’know.”

“And Josh?”

She pulled away and sat back at her desk, furiously restarting her typing.

“No, I won’t miss Josh.”

“Are you sure about that?”

Donna looked up at CJ, as the tall willowy woman placed a hand on her shoulder.

“Come on, you two, my office.”

They both entered her office, where Toby was already sitting, pink bouncy ball thudding against the desk.

“It’s unthinkable! We need Josh’s full attention, and for that we need Donna!”

“He’ll get used to it.”

Toby turned as Donna sat down in the visitor’s chair, slumping slightly. He pulled a face, as the others entered and CJ closed the door.

“Donna, are you sure about this?”

“He’s said cruel things before, but I forgave him because something always gave him an excuse. This time – what does he have to hide behind? Nothing. I can’t…I can’t do this anymore!”

Donna stood, and was probably about to punch a wall, when Toby threw the ball at her. She caught it deftly, and stopped.

“Donna, he took the MS thing really badly,” Sam said, quietly.

“So did you, Sam. I don’t see you insulting my dating or my sense. He had no right to be angry.”

Everyone was silent, and Donna continued, absently bouncing the ball against the floor.

“I’ll stay until the next bill is finalised. He needs me until then. After that…”

She trailed off, the room succumbing to the silence, broken suddenly by a yell of ‘DONNA!’ from the bullpen. Donna walked out, looking back and offering a smile.

“It’s gonna be fine, y’know.”

~

“Okay, we’ve got definites from seventy Senators, thirty-two for and thirty-eight against. Of course, we want to try and pull over the swing votes – we need to get people on side before we allow final amendments. Suggestions?”

“Bribe the Senate with marshmallows?” Sam said, watching his twirling pen. He looked up at Josh and the other staffers staring at him, “Did I say that out loud?”

Josh smiled, as Sam turned a brilliant crimson, and looked over to Donna. There was a slight slump in her shoulders, a lacking attention that was so unlike her. He would have to talk to her later, see what was wrong.

“Well, any suggestions that don’t involve bribery and marshmallows?”

“We could offer the child labour clause, rouse the feminista wing of the Senate. I think five or six of our hanging Senators are Mrs Bartlet’s caucus – hopefully, this’ll attract their attention.” Larry glanced at Josh, who nodded his approval.

“Yeah, that’s all very well…”

“But the Republicans who are currently voting ‘yay’ are going to scream about *Doctor* Bartlet’s influence over the President, something we don’t need right now. I think we’d be better off offering the guaranteed compensation and support clause.”

Josh was proud of Donna – even though she technically wasn’t in the meeting, she still felt the need to contribute, voicing his opinions better than he ever could. It amazed him sometimes, how much he depended on her.

“You want us to get in bed with the Republicans?” Sam said, his cheeks suddenly reddening again. Josh would have to ask about that later.

“They’re a more stable vote. Democrats are running for cover, and the moderates are asking less than our friends.”

Sam nodded. He would miss Donna. She brought her enthusiasm and knowledge, all gathered under Josh’s tutelage, to meetings and index cards, generally bringing a fresh, untainted perspective. Damn, he would miss her.

“Ahkay, I think, that’s it for today.”

Josh shuffled the papers in front of him, and grinned at the staffers at the table and lining the wall. He met Donna’s eyes, and smiled at her, and she tilted her head away. Frowning, he stood to move towards her.

“Hey, guys, my nephew gave me this yesterday.”

Josh looked over at Ed, and his ridiculous gadget of the week. Ed set it down on the table, and pressed a button.

“5…4…3…2…1…GO!”

A large bang erupted from the device, and Josh sat down. The room seemed to slip away, as sirens started wailing and he drowned in a hail of bullets.

Donna dropped her folders, and ran towards him, as Sam quickly cleared the room, sending anxious glances back at Josh.

“Josh, I’m here. Stay with me.”

Josh’s breathing became increasingly laboured, as Donna stood behind him, and threaded her arms under his, pulling him back against the chair. Her head on his shoulder, she whispered to him, as Sam moved slowly towards them.

“Is he alright?”

“He will be,” Donna said, quietly, “Go to Staff. Tell Leo he’ll be late.”

Sam nodded, touching Josh’s arm, before heading for the door. When Sam had left, Donna pulled him closer to her, and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

“I’m here for you, Josh. You’re better. You’re not dying on me.”

“No, I’m not.”

Josh’s raspy voice surprised him, as he laid his hands over Donna’s, and leaned his head back against her shoulder.

“What was that thing?”

“I don’t know, but I’ll have his head for it.”

Josh smiled weakly at her serious tone, enjoying the feel of her arms around him, liking the tickling sensation of her hair against his neck.

“Where’d everyone go?”

“Sam got them out. He told Leo you’d be late.”

Josh sighed, and released her hands, lifting his head. Donna carefully took her arms away, and Josh shivered. He smoothed down his shirt where her arms had settled, and waited as she brought him a glass of water.

“I thought I was getting better.”

“You are, Josh. That kind of thing – it even scared Sam.”

Josh lifted the glass to his lips, but his hands shook and he couldn’t tip it. He scowled at it, as Donna placed her hand over his and together, they moved the glass. She moved away as he did, and the glass settled on the table, without a drop spilt.

“I have to go to Staff.”

“I’ll take you.”

Donna reached out for him as he stood, and he gratefully accepted her arm around his waist and her hand holding his arm. He had been ashamed, when he’d left hospital, annoyed because he couldn’t do things like he’d done before. Donna, with the salary that he really should raise, paid for a nurse to take care of him during the day, and she came over in the evening, bringing food, simple work and a sympathetic ear. She helped him, and she didn’t patronise, just waited patiently whilst he tried, then carefully helped him achieve his goal. They worked well together – they always had.

//And always will// Josh thought, smiling across at her.

~

Sam entered the office, slightly flustered and clutching his folders as if afraid to drop them.

“Where’s Josh?” Toby asked, ball bouncing on the floor.

“He had an attack. Donna’s with him.”

Everyone looked towards Sam, who collapsed on the sofa, letting the folders fall beside him.

“What was it?” CJ asked, tentatively.

“Something Ed brought in, a children’s toy. It made a huge noise, he went, and Donna took hold of him.”

There was silence, as everyone realised what Sam meant. The young writer looked up, shaking his head slowly.

“She holds him together. Always has done.”

“Well, she can’t anymore. Why didn’t you stay? If this is a…thing, we need someone to…y’know, take over.”

Toby looked uncomfortable with his words, his hand held absently in the air. Sam ducked his head, as Leo sat back and arranged the papers.

“Let’s deal with this later. Right now, we have…”

Josh appeared in the doorway, looking decidedly pale and shaken, Donna holding him as if he might break. Carefully, she led him to the nearest clear wall and he stood against it, eyes closed.

“I’m listening,” he said, to no one in particular.

Donna flipped open her ever-present notepad, that she had taken to attaching to her belt. It bounced up and down on a spiral thread, bashing against her hip as she walked. Josh had told Sam that he liked it, because it drew attention to her legs, ‘which deserve attention.’ Sam wasn’t sure how much he should read into Josh’s drunken ramblings, but decided he didn’t want to go there. Especially not now.

“Mind if I stay?” she mouthed quietly to Leo, who shook his head. It was a fairly routine meeting.

“Ok, now that we’re all here, I need to take a look the current staffing situation. It’s been noted that some staffers on the floor are…leaving, and Personnel are dealing with that. Also, the top-level assistants need some extra help to ensure efficiency in the office.”

“We need to clone Donna,” Josh murmured, as Donna blushed and put her head down. CJ shifted uncomfortably: she didn’t like it. She knew Josh, and he wouldn’t take this well. They needed his full attention, and without Donna, she was afraid they just wouldn’t get it.

“Yeah, the Christian Right’s gonna love that,” Leo quipped, and moved on to the next item. When did a simple Staff meeting get this complicated? “A staffer is suing the White House because of sexual harassment he received from his boss.”

Leo raised his eyebrow, as CJ and Donna exchanged smug glances and Toby blanched. Josh smiled weakly.

“Don’t tell me – White House Counsel’s office?” Sam said, smiling as if he was the only one in on the joke.

“Yeah, how did you know?”

“Ainsley’s clearing it up. It’s just more anti-Republican stuff, nothing serious.”

Leo nodded, and they moved on. The rest of the meeting went fairly smoothly, Josh only interjecting when he had to and Donna patiently transcribing every word. At the close, Leo carefully began his instruction.

“Josh, I want you to take the next hour. Go to the park, get some decent food.”

“I have a one o’clock with Stackhouse,” he mumbled, almost incoherently.

“I’ll change it,” Donna said firmly, and he nodded.

“Donna, go with him, make sure he’s not working.”

She smiled at Leo, as she took Josh’s arm and guided him out. Once outside, he shook her off, and began to stride down the corridor. She let him go ahead, thinking. What had she read in his glance? What had passed between them, as she had held him? It was something they had done often, support that they couldn’t express in other ways, in ways two people in love expressed things. But, then, she wasn’t in love with Josh. And he wasn’t in love with her. So, why torture each other in this way? Why make simple stuff complicated? //Why rotate the Earth around the Sun?// Donna thought, wryly. That was the way they were. The way that had always been. //Yet no more, never more//

Donna wondered why she was having this sudden attack of melancholy. She was leaving; she was leaving because of Josh. Why lament her decisions? Why decide now, now that it was too late, that maybe it was forgivable after all? //That way lies madness. And dragons. Mixing metaphors…//

“Donna?”

She shook herself out of her reverie, and caught up with Josh. He had his backpack on his shoulder, and had regained some colour and some swagger. She picked up her own bag, and they left the White House, his guiding hand on her back. She tried to walk faster, to make him stop, but he matched her, sensing her movements before she had made them. They had always had rhythm, always had a harmony that couldn’t quite be described. She would miss this: she would miss it all.

Why, then, was she going? What possible reason could bring her to this? She would wait and see: Leo would understand if she changed her mind, she could always change this, and Josh would never have to know. Never know the pain he’d caused her, the grief and anguish, the unforgivable things…

~

Lafayette Park was never quiet. Many couples were out to lunch, picnics and take-outs shared, chatting and laughing. Josh collapsed on the grass, and Donna stole away to collect food. Josh looked up at the sky, at the pictures amongst the clouds. It was something he had done with his mother – seeing what could be seen, imagining that his sister was dancing there. It was a nice thought.

Now, he could see Donna, lying amongst the clouds, smiling at him. He blinked a few times, but no, there she was, grinning away. Behind her, a little to the right, his father held up a hand in greeting, talking to the President, probably about some book. Sam and Toby were arguing, wisps of smoky cloud twirling around them. CJ stood behind her podium, a hand raised in frustration. It was the west wing in the sky.

“I can’t see you.”

Josh jumped slightly, as Donna kneeled beside him, also looking at the clouds.

“Nah, me neither.”

He sat up, facing her, as she handed him his sandwich, not looking away from the sky.

“No, there you are! Right beside me.”

She pointed up, and he leaned so that his head was beside hers. From that position, he could see that, yes, he was lying beside Donna. She blushed and looked away, and he smiled faintly. //No more cloud watching//

“I brought a grilled chicken sandwich, no mayo.”

She held out the sandwich, but he looked at her sceptically

“You expect me to eat that?”

“Yes, I do. Or I’m calling Dr Griffith.”

Josh screwed up his face and grudgingly took the sandwich. Donna then pulled out a burger from the bag, and took a bite. Josh’s mouth fell open.

“You, YOU, have my burger!”

Donna looked innocently at him, eyes sparkling in the sun.

“*Your* burger, Josh? I think you’ll find it belongs to me.”

Josh’s mouth worked but no sounds came out. He shut it and looked at the sandwich, then back at the burger. Sighing deeply, he bit into the sandwich, as Donna mocked him with *his* burger.

“You are a cruel woman, Donnatella Moss.”

Again, she looked away and her expression became unreadable. Josh put down the far-too-healthy sandwich, and reached for her, tilting her chin so she was looking at him.

He said nothing, just looked at her, and was frustrated when he couldn’t read the look in his eyes. He released her, and his fingers danced closer to the burger. She lifted it in the air, away from him, and he reached towards her. She stood, and he kept leaning, almost climbing up her body. She danced away, laughing, and he stood, and began to chase her, forgetting the shadow of the years and that respectful politicians do not cavort with their assistants.

He was out of breath quickly, and stopped, leaning on his knees. Donna’s playful dance stopped, and she rushed towards him. Just as she reached him, he stood straight, and knocked her off balance. She grabbed hold of his shirt, and pulled him down with her. The burger sailed out of her hand, and she landed with a thud, Josh following. She breathed heavily, arms flung over her head, as Josh straddled her and pinned her arms.

“Surrender?” he said, grinning, the burger forgotten.

She should’ve made a witty reply, but she was struck by just how close he was. She could smell his aftershave, the deep woody one she had bought for him, and just the pure smell of Josh that was doing nothing for her ever-quickening pulse. There was silence between them, and neither moved, for fear that the strange witchcraft between them would be broken. Josh leaned closer, as if to kiss her. //No, don’t be so…//

He was just about to touch her when she rolled, pitching him over until she was on top. He was startled and spluttering, which allowed her to push herself up from his chest and sit on the grass with as much dignity as she could muster.

“Finish your sandwich, Joshua,” she commanded, the blush creeping up her cheeks as she realised how that must’ve looked. There were knowing looks from the other couples in the park, mostly because, she belatedly realised, they too moved in political circles. She had the greatest desire to flee, though she knew they still had a lot of time to kill. She all but pushed Josh out of the park, thinking they had both fallen down enough for one day, and thought about how she would explain the rumours to CJ.

~

“YOU WHAT?”

Josh smirked into his coffee. Whomever CJ had chosen to beat today, at least it wasn’t him.

“YOU WERE SEEN?”

Josh sat back, stretching. He had twelve minutes left in his hour break, and he intended to make the most of them. Now, where was Donna?

“ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?”

Josh contemplated investigating just to see what trouble Sam had gotten himself into. It had to be Sam, there was no one else that made CJ shout like that, except maybe…

“JOSHUA!”

Josh sat bolt upright.

“Yes?” he answered, tentatively. CJ entered, looking like Hell’s fury, with Donna following behind. CJ shut the door firmly and smiled threateningly.

“We’re going to have a little chat.”

~

When CJ left the office fifteen minutes later, it took all her strength not to cry in the middle of the bullpen. She made it to her office, sat heavily and reached for a Kleenex.

“CJ? Are you alright?”

Sam peered in, and shut the door, moving towards her.

“That bastard doesn’t know how lucky he is.”

Sam thought it told that he knew exactly what she was talking about.

“He’ll see,” he said with more confidence than he felt.

“No, Sam, he won’t,” she said, wearily, “They were fooling about in the park, and they didn’t care. He seems to think they’re indestructible, unbreakable.”

The last word as a shattering whisper, sending them both back to a night of broken glass and broken lives.

“She won’t leave,” he said, stubbornly, “She can’t.”

“We’ll see.”

~TWO WEEKS LATER~

It was only when she glanced at the paper that she realised. This was it. And, as she had secretly hoped, it had all been perfect. The yelling had stayed at a tolerable volume, the banter was in full swing and there had been no snarking.

So, maybe, she thought, it would be okay. Just tell Leo there had been a mistake, and it would all be alright. She left a memo with Margaret at eight, then practically skipped all the way to the bullpen. Yet, somewhere in the back of her mind, there was a feeling that something was going to happen. She shrugged it off, and started her work.

~

It was around noon that Josh noticed – the Senior Staff were shooting him wary looks and acting as if a bomb was about to explode. Soon, he realised that he was out of the loop on something. And he did not like it.

He lifted the phone to call CJ, when his computer made a shrill buzzing sound. He stared at if, cringing slightly in case it was about to explode. After a few moments, he opened his eyes, and stared at it. Oh – new e-mail.

He clicked on it, like Donna had told him, and the little box appeared. Reading it carefully, his eyes got increasingly wide.

“DONNA!”

Donna put her head around the door, smiling brightly.

“Yes, Joshua?”

“You knew about this, didn’t you?”

“Knew about what, Joshua?” she said in a sing-song tone, still smiling brightly.

He gestured wildly at the screen, becoming increasingly flustered.

“My…my…MOTHER!”

Donna’s grin became cat-like, as she perched herself on he desk. Josh was momentarily distracted by a show of thigh.

“Isn’t it romantic?” she breathed, watching him carefully.

He started spluttering, still waving his arms around.

“NO! She’s my mother! How can it possibly be…?”

“Josh, your mother is a grown woman who can make decisions for herself. Don’t you think she deserves to be happy?”

“She *is* happy, Donna! She’s doesn’t need…doesn’t need…this…”

“To get married, Joshua?” Donna supplied, her grin growing.

“Yes,” he finished, sitting back, still staring at the screen.

“Maybe she’s in love,” Donna said, and slipped off the desk, taking the Asia reports with her. She heard Josh shout at her retreating back.

“Aw, c’mon, Donna, how would you know? As far as you’re concerned, love is a local gomer and a pizza!”

Donna dropped the memos. And there it was. She drifted towards her desk, and picked up her bag, making eye contact with an intern.

“I’ll clear it out later.”

The girl nodded dumbly, as Josh poked his head out of the office.

“Donna?”

Without looking at him, she strode off, blinded by tears.

“Donna…” he said, warningly, his voice increasing in pitch and volume.

He matched her pace, trying to make her look at him.

“Where are you going?”

“Leo’s office.” She was amazed at the control in her voice.

“Well, I don’t think you need your bag.” He tried to reach for it, but she snatched it away, and walked faster. He grabbed her shoulder, and she turned, angry eyes meeting his curious gaze.

“I quit,” she said, and it was as if she had dealt him a physical blow. She threw a brown envelope at him but he didn’t move to catch it, just stood there silently. She marched away, unable to meet his betrayed eyes.

She burst into Leo’s office without knocking. Toby was sitting there with him, and his eyes flashed upwards.

“Donna, if this is about Asia, tell Josh…”

Leo trailed off, as he took in her pained and angry stance.

“I should forget the memo…?” he whispered softly.

She nodded, not trusting herself to speak. Leo nodded, as Toby watched the intense conversation without words.

“You can go,” he said gently, and she all but fled.

~

CJ looked up, to see Josh standing in her doorway, looking dazed.

“Josh?” she said, tying to catch his attention.

He didn’t say anything, just weakly held up the envelope. CJ closed her eyes, mentally screaming.

“Donna quit,” he said dully.

CJ just took his arm and guided him to Leo’s office. Leo and Toby were deep in discussion, when CJ and Josh entered from one door and Sam from another. Josh sat heavily, not looking at anyone. Sam and CJ exchanged glances, before also taking seats.

“A new assistant will be here tomorrow,” Leo said carefully, gauging Josh for a reaction.

“Tomorrow?” he said, in the same dull tone, “That’s fast.”

When nobody spoke, Josh looked up, all the pieces sliding firmly into place.

“So this was the big secret,” he said, surprisingly calm. He laughed mirthlessly, tears beginning to form. He stood.

“I’m going to get her back.”

“Josh, she made up her mind,” Toby said, quietly.

“I can change it! I can get her back!”

When no one replied to his confident arguments, he sat again, realising the puzzle was wasn’t complete.

“She left for a reason, Josh,” CJ said with equally quiet tones.

Realisation hit Josh, like a bolt of lightening. He opened the letter Donna had thrown.

It read:

Dear Mr Lyman,

My formal resignation has been agreed, for reasons outlined in the accompanying note…

Josh abandoned the letter, and stared at the yellow Post-It clinging to the page. He wordlessly passed it to Sam, who read it aloud with a shaking voice.

“It was all just unforgivable.”

~

“DONNA!”

I can’t believe it’s too late. She can’t just walk away. We’re a team, a partnership…we’re friends. Maybe if I could just see her…

“You’ve got some nerve, Lyman!” a voice shouts from the window. So, she won’t see me. She’ll just send out the big guns. Namely Mel.

Hurling a flowerpot in my direction, she begins the usual tirade.

“If you think I’m gonna let you within five feet of this apartment…”

“Eloquent as ever, I see.”

She gives me the look of death, and I shut up. This is not the way to win Donna back. I need to be charming, persuasive, in control – except whenever I think of what a jackass I’ve been, all suavity flies into the Potomac.

Mel, never missing an opportunity, launches into her favourite Josh lecture.

“That woman gives you everything, and all you can do is hurl abuse at her! What gives you the right to be such a…such a…”

“Inconsiderate bastard?” I supply, quietly.

She trails off, looking at me shrewdly. I swear that woman is psychic.

“This isn’t about work, is it?” she says, with a quiet demure tone I’ve never really heard her use before.

I shake my head, realising she’s seen straight through me. She grudgingly lets me in, and I sit on the sofa, warily checking for cats.

“Are the spawn of Satan still around?” I joke feebly, and her eyes narrow.

“Smudge, Angel and Poppy are asleep. What did you come here to say?”

I look towards Donna’s room, but the door is shut.

“I came…to apologise. I need her. She’s…very important to me. Valuable.”

“She moved back to Wisconsin, Josh. You’re too late.”

And just like that, the world stops. All that exists is silence, and an emptiness inside me. Donna’s really gone. She’s not gonna call. I can’t search for her. I can’t apologise, can’t plead with her, can’t tell her that she’s never been just an assistant, just a friend…

I don’t what I’m going to do without her. I just…don’t know.